• If You Could Go Back in Time…

    by  • September 13, 2017 • * Safe for Work *, To You • 1 Comment

    If you could go back in time with the power to change something in your past if you do chose, where would you go? Why? Would you change something? What do you think the outcome would be?

    I often wish I could do this, I know exactly where I’d go and what I would do. I go not wish to change very much about myself like an SAT score or anything that might vastly improve the outcome of my future but there is one nagging thing I would change. I suffered from a broken heart and often believed if I just tweaked a few things maybe things could have been different…

    Here is mine:

    I went to go look at a comet and shooting stars and invited a fellow student I admired his smile and intellect at prose. I hardly knew him and I admit I was a bundle of silent nerves on our drive through the California desert to our dark and starry destination. He even asked me what I was thinking but I simply said, it was a beautiful night for fear of insulting him. I did not expect the night to be so windy and so cold. He was a gentleman and set up his lens to view the moon and many other events. Upon completion I could not keep myself from shivering to observe the events I had come to see. I quickly retreated to the warmth of the VW bus for shelter. He followed and what followed was my initiated night of physical lust instead of the intended outcome to fill in the night full of hungry angst and lust. I wish i could have changed that night. I wish i had done more research, brought a jacket and blankets, maybe some hot cocoa. If that night had not been played out so quickly perhaps he and I would of lasted longer… but I did not know I’d fall in love with him forever. I wish I could make that pain of love lost go away.

    What is yours?

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    One Response to If You Could Go Back in Time…

    1. If I could turn back time
      September 13, 2017 at 5:47 pm

      I think about the answer to this question often.

      I’d have committed to staying away following April 2015 when he told me I was his arch enemy. But it was such an odd thing to say I thought perhaps he was just joking. I see now that he meant it.

      I wouldn’t have returned to him in October 2015. I would have kept my pure memories of him. It’s only with so much distance that I can see those months in that last window of seeing him for what they were. I wouldn’t have put myself in such a foolish position, his target for love revenge that I was. I wouldn’t have blamed myself for his actions, I wouldn’t have compromised my character. I wouldn’t have gotten down in the mud with him. i wouldn’t have spent that war inside my mind between fighting for him and fighting for my spiritual survival. I wouldn’t have compromised my sanity in exchange for his insanity. I wouldn’t have apologized for wounds I’d never created, woulds that he so adamantly blamed me for it was hard not to believe him at the time.

      I would never have been exposed to such malevolence. I used to think I knew the meaning of the word. As it turned out the meaning paled in comparison to the actual experience of such horror.

      Ah well. Too bad hey?




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