A few nights ago I was lying in bed unable to sleep, mind wandering, and I thought of you. I thought about that cool summer night that we snuck into the golf course and wrote our names in the sand. We layed in the cool grass and listened to the crickets sing for what felt like forever before we walked back home. I never wanted anyone to kiss me as bad as I wanted you to kiss me that night. But you didn’t. We were 15.
The next year was really rough for us. E killed himself and your parents got divorced. I was such a wreck when E died. No one else was there for me like you were. Remember that night that you talked my mom into letting you stay the night with us? It was a day after the funeral. You were supposed to sleep on the couch, but you crawled into my bed in the middle of the night. You thought I was sleeping and I heard every word you said to me. I felt you hold my hand until you fell asleep. I held so still because I didn’t want you to be embarrassed. You have always been the strong and silent type for the most part.
Do you remember that cold night we got drunk on my front porch? The whole crew was there and we all had a blanket draped over our shoulders. God it was so cold! Why didn’t we go inside!? I sat next to you and cried all night and you comforted me. You always knew what to say, you always made me feel so safe and calm. When you guys were all leaving you gave me a hug. And right before you guys all took off you bounded back up the steps to my porch to give me one last hug. I wrapped my blanket draped arms around you and when you pulled away from our hug you leaned in close to my face. Our noses were almost touching, I just knew you were finally going to kiss me. But once again, you did not. We were 16.
I still remember how you were always so excited to see me when you came over. You would sweep me up off my feet when you came in my house. It still gives me butterflies to think about it.
I just still want to know what happened. I will never forget the night that you called my mom late in the evening. She came out of her bedroom and told me you had called her. You told her that you wanted to ask me out. You actually wanted my mother’s blessing. What a gentlemen you were! I think I was still smiling when I fell asleep. But it didn’t last long. Because by the next day you had already changed your mind. And you couldn’t even tell me yourself. You put DS up to it. I was absolutely heartbroken. You said that you didn’t want to ruin our friendship if things didn’t work out. But you know what you did next? You didn’t walk to me for almost 3 months. You ruined our friendship without ever giving us a chance. Why did you shut me out?
I won’t go through all of the confusing things that happened between us after that. I always felt like we just clicked. I know you felt it too. I hope you know what a huge mistake you made. I wish I could tell you that when I see you out in public it makes me sick to my stomach still. But I just smile and say nice things. What I really hope for most of all is that you’re happy. You deserve it. You have no idea what your friendship over the years meant to me. Even after all of the things that happened between us, you were still a good friend. The first boy to really break my heart. I will always always always love you.
With all my heart, Me.