• I feel like I’m dying slowly

    by  • September 10, 2017 • * Safe for Work *, Depression • 2 Comments

    I have no one to talk to, because I’m worried it will bother then, but at the same time they legitimately tell me not to talk about it. The people closest to me both say I am too much and that I need to learn to deal with the problems on my own.

    And I KNOW they are going through more than I am. I know that.

    But what they don’t realize is that even if they are fighting constantly, they at least HAVE each other. I have no one. And its really, really not easy to deal with these feelings alone.

    I tell them but its always dismissed. And I can’t shake the feeling that something’s amiss, and I might get very hurt because of it, but no one can stop it now.

    This sadness hurts. And sometimes I want to die. But I would never actually do it. Wanting to die is not a thing your gonna snap and do one day; at least what I mean is, not for me its not.
    Its like… a feeling that’s just lingering around. When you’re not distracted, it comes.

    Anyway… aside from the actual “feeling” of wanting to commit suicide, I generally feel like I am being worn down by all the pain and loneliness I deal with and its killing me. I’m so crazy that I perceive people betraying me, and one false promise can really really hurt, even if it was just circumstance that caused a problem. I just can’t tell a single person how I feel, how hurt I am, and I sometimes resort to chatting websites, forums, etc. but I don’t want to be like that. I’m so sad that ONE thing can shoot me really down, because I’m always very sad, but pretending to be happy. Its like I placed a very thin film of happiness on top of my deep well of sadness. And one arrow shot onto the film will make it collapse into the water and dissolve, and the deep well is revealed.

    I’m just so sad. And I wonder if I am dying slowly. I’ve been sicker and sicker lately… it could just be my head toying with me and making me believe that I will die soon, because everybody gets sick, everybody is always tired, especially people who work like me.

    Or maybe my depression is making me tired.

    But I feel like I’m going to die because of it. I feel like the sadness has a link to the sickness.

    Sometimes I want to die, other times I just feel like its coming soon, and sometimes I hope it takes me so that everyone can see what they left me in.

    I don’t know what to do.

    I want help. I call for help to no one before bed. I wail “help me” by myself, even though I know that no one will come. It just calms me down a bit and helps me sleep.

    And I’ll probably do the same again tonight.

    2 Responses to I feel like I’m dying slowly

    1. EmptytpmE
      September 11, 2017 at 2:29 am

      I feel the same way. But I’m not so mure It’s just a feeling anymore. Sometimes I sleep, just not to…. disappear

    2. Morgan
      September 11, 2017 at 7:11 pm

      I too have dealt with the brutal pain of existence and have found some truths to go by.

      1) You are vast enough to carry all pain and all love.
      2) You are not the voice in your head. You are not the negative thoughts, not the saddness, and not the fearful anxiety. That is your ego. And that relentless desire to end things is a desperate attempt to quiet your ego. You are the quiet, still, peaceful observer of those those thoughts. That is YOU. Observe those negative thoughts as a third person, and when they arise try not to dwell in the safety of victimhood but imagine that YOU are surrounded by a white healing light. Imagine those thoughts floating by, but you don’t have to subscibe to their teachings. Imagine the good things that you would tell a loved friend who felt worthless, and now say them to yourself. Be your own friend. When you make a mistake, be generous in your forgiveness, steadfast in your love, and accepting of the present state.
      3) You are full of unimaginable possibilities – of glorious love and happiness and determination. Do not spin your wheels. Be patient. Momentum and change takes time. Days, weeks, years. It’s okay. It is not a race.

      Are you healthy? Do you need better sleep? Are you regularly dehydrated? Care in these areas will pay dividends. And neglecting these stepping stones will create an uphill battle.

      Negative thoughts? Drink water, eat a healthy meal, take a pampering bath, and go to bed early. It may not change your thoughts automatically, but it will slowly change your physiology which will in turn begin to change how your brain functions and processes stress.

      You have inherent value to this world simply because you exist. You don’t have to prove your worth in order to have value. You are good and good enough regardless of achievements or status or friends.

      And lastly seek help. There are many free or subsidised therapists that can help you get to the root of all these distressing thoughts. If you aren’t sure where to
      start this is a great resource: https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

      I went to a therapist for 2 years and it changed everything for me. I had a sounding board and an accountability partner which changed my life.

      I’m sending you love and light and fulfillment because I’ve been down in darkness and had to crawl my way out and the only thing keeping me going is a tiny smoldering fire within that kept thinking “life is better than the lense I’m currently viewing it through”.

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