I have no one to talk to, because I’m worried it will bother then, but at the same time they legitimately tell me not to talk about it. The people closest to me both say I am too much and that I need to learn to deal with the problems on my own.
And I KNOW they are going through more than I am. I know that.
But what they don’t realize is that even if they are fighting constantly, they at least HAVE each other. I have no one. And its really, really not easy to deal with these feelings alone.
I tell them but its always dismissed. And I can’t shake the feeling that something’s amiss, and I might get very hurt because of it, but no one can stop it now.
This sadness hurts. And sometimes I want to die. But I would never actually do it. Wanting to die is not a thing your gonna snap and do one day; at least what I mean is, not for me its not.
Its like… a feeling that’s just lingering around. When you’re not distracted, it comes.
Anyway… aside from the actual “feeling” of wanting to commit suicide, I generally feel like I am being worn down by all the pain and loneliness I deal with and its killing me. I’m so crazy that I perceive people betraying me, and one false promise can really really hurt, even if it was just circumstance that caused a problem. I just can’t tell a single person how I feel, how hurt I am, and I sometimes resort to chatting websites, forums, etc. but I don’t want to be like that. I’m so sad that ONE thing can shoot me really down, because I’m always very sad, but pretending to be happy. Its like I placed a very thin film of happiness on top of my deep well of sadness. And one arrow shot onto the film will make it collapse into the water and dissolve, and the deep well is revealed.
I’m just so sad. And I wonder if I am dying slowly. I’ve been sicker and sicker lately… it could just be my head toying with me and making me believe that I will die soon, because everybody gets sick, everybody is always tired, especially people who work like me.
Or maybe my depression is making me tired.
But I feel like I’m going to die because of it. I feel like the sadness has a link to the sickness.
Sometimes I want to die, other times I just feel like its coming soon, and sometimes I hope it takes me so that everyone can see what they left me in.
I don’t know what to do.
I want help. I call for help to no one before bed. I wail “help me” by myself, even though I know that no one will come. It just calms me down a bit and helps me sleep.
And I’ll probably do the same again tonight.