I loved you.. I LOVE you. With my entire heart, body and soul. I spent almost a decade with you. Talking to you every chance we had, every single day. The thoughts and memories constantly replaying in my head. The sadness within me knowing that you aren’t by my side anymore; my wife, my best friend, my anchor, and my happiness. Knowing that I’ll never be able to call you my wife again, That I’ll never be able to kiss your soft lips again, I’ll never be able to hug you again and hold you in my warm embrace. I’ll never be able to just grab that ass of yours again. The smell of you will never be on my pillows again. I’ll never be able to wake up and have you sleeping next to me again. I’ll never be able to wake up and see that beautiful face of yours. I’ll never be able to lay my head on your chest and just listen to your heartbeat again. I’ll never be able to lay down with you and our stinky booty dog again. My vision of us living a laid back lifestyle with our 2-3 dogs and traveling together.. it’s all gone.
I know every curve of your body, all your ticklish spots, what turns you on; putting soft kisses on your neck, kissing you on your hip bones, feeling you tighten up and vibrate while I work my fingers and tongue. I know your body inside and out, and I’ll never be able to caress it again. I love you so fucking much, but I’ll never have that again.
You were my world, I love everything about you. You’re weird, just like me. You’re laid back, just like me. You have a simple sense of humor, just like me, we could laugh at the stupidest things. You’d rather be home watching a movie with a plate of cookies rather than be at some sweaty club, just like me. You love the Halloween and winter seasons, just like me. You’re a simple person, just like me. We had so many common interests, our personalities matched up so perfectly. We were the definition of “peanut butter & jelly”. We were perfect together, and I loved so much who we were together.
I’m sorry I just wasn’t the man you needed me to be. It hurts knowing that I could have been, if I had the chance to prove it to you. I just wish there was more I could have done, if only I had known the way you felt. If only I could go back in time, and tell you everyday how much you meant to me. To express how much I loved you. To just get up and go to your stupid friends parties, because that’s what you wanted to do. To just get up and go watch that chick flick you wanted to watch so bad. I’ve failed you, I’ve failed our relationship. So many things I know I could have.. should have done better, but it’s all to late, because you don’t love me any more.
You moved on from me in what feels like the blink of an eye. You acted so normal with me a month and a half ago. Going through everyday talking as if everything was okay, talking to me daily and laughing with me daily, But it wasn’t. You already had someone else, you saw him everyday, at work. You let him pull your attention away from me. You let your friends and your mom tell you that this was a good decision, and you listened to them. You let your mom influence you so deeply, when she herself doesn’t know the true meaning of love, the true meaning of a marriage. Because marriage isn’t about money, it’s about the love we shared and the things we’d do for each other.
You talked to him and hung out with him behind my back. All those times you said you went out to lunch with your friends, you were with him. While I was texting you on your lunches, you were with him. How many times did you actually leave work early to be with him, but you told me you stayed your full shift. You’d come home and kiss me, knowing that you’d just come home from being with him, after kissing him. The day I moved out, I meant nothing to you, nothing at all. The day after I moved out, YOU asked him on a date. Later, YOU went down on him, and YOU were the one who offered it. How could YOU.. MY WIFE.. out of all people, be the one to do something like this, do something like this to ME. You’re a completely different person, I don’t even recognize you anymore. You’re THROWING yourself at another man, and it kills me inside to know that you’ll just be used and thrown to the sideline.. my wife.
You threw our marriage in the garbage, you threw away what was true, real love, for something temporary. You betrayed me. You dragged me along for several years, and not once said a word to me. Not once tried to fix what was wrong between us. I believed I was in a happy marriage, with the person that I love so deeply, that I had trusted, so deeply. And to this day, as much as I want to hate you, as much as I SHOULD hate you, as much as I want to walk away and not care about you or any of this, as much as I want to forget about the very memory of you, as much as you hurt me, and as much as I’ve been betrayed by you.. I still with my entire fucking heart, love you. My heart will not let me let you go. My heart just wants to fix things with you and have you back by my side. My heart wants to be the man you need me to be. My heart wants to forgive you. My heart wants to be the one that makes you happy, and wants to be the one you love. My heart wants you to be the one to protect it. How do I just stop thinking about you everyday. How do I stop being so protective over you. How do I go about my days just wanting to talk to you, but you don’t want anything to do with me. How do I go from talking to someone every waking minute of everyday, to not talking to you at all. To go from seeing you everyday for years, to not seeing you ever again. How do you not care for me at all anymore, you’ve pushed me onto the back burner, and still, My heart in its entirety loves you so fucking much. But it doesn’t matter, because I’m now just a friend.. and you don’t love me anymore.
When the last rose dies.. II.XIV.IX