• Why now?

    by  • September 2, 2017 • * Safe for Work *, To You • 0 Comments

    Why? Why in the hell do you tell me this now? You’ve hinted it before when we’d be sharing beers all night long into the early hours of dawn, but never blatantly said it out loud. To tell me that you wish it was us together instead of us being with our respective others. What the fuck. Why? Why do you tell me that you have wanted to be with me since we were eighteen, even when you were dating my friend after you encouraged me to get back with my ex when I asked if you thought it was a good idea. In the damn near ten years since you spent six with my friend and then have been bouncing from relationship to relationship since you ended it with him. And for the past six I’ve been with my girlfriend in a miserable long distance relationship with more downs than ups until I convinced her to move here a year ago. In that year its been a little rocky, especially when she got jealous of the fact that I went to you so much during our problems. But we’ve been moving forward, all of us have, she even wants you around in our future because of how close you two have gotten. And then this. Your drunken revelation to me at 3 am while my girlfriend slept on your couch not more than twenty feet away. Why couldn’t you have told me this years ago when i was looking for an out, or hell even better before you started dating my friend. You know what the worst part is? the fact that I don’t know if its real…I know for me it is, I have spent the better part of this past decade burying my feelings for you. Burying it down, deep inside me, locked away in the depths of my soul so that I could see you with your ex and every other guy you’ve dated….but for you…I don’t know if what you said to me was the real you, or if it was the booze. You’ve never, NEVER, hinted at anything like this unless we’re closing in on closing time. I don’t know if its true or you just fall in love with me when you’re drunk. I just hate that in over the course of an hour you dug up everything, all the feelings and memories that I’ve been burying for the last eight fucking years. God, there so much more I want to tell you about everything you said to me and everything you made me remember. The second you said it has been always me and I’m all you’ve ever wanted what I had buried came roaring back like a god damn freight train to my brain. You made me remember everything. Our all night studying which led to us drinking a fifth and watching The Boondock Saints. The gift I bought you for Christmas when I was coming back from vacation that I never gave to you because I saw you making out with my friend the night I was going to give it to you. I remembered how good you looked dancing when we all went out for a friends going away party. I remember everything, all my feelings came rushing back to the surface. And I hate it, I hate myself for letting it happen, and I really hate much this is fucking with me….its been a week but I can’t stop thinking about it. I know my girlfriend knows somethings wrong with me and she figuring out that she can’t fix me right now and its hurting the both of us. I hate you with every fiber of my being right now for telling me you love me because deep down I know I love you too but there is nothing either of us can do. It’s too late for us.

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