I think of doing drastic things. Terrible things. Harmful things. Things that’ll destroy me. How do I destroy myself without killing myself? How do I do this so I’m still here to see the outcome?
It’s scary to have to think in such desperate measures. But I’m desperate. And I can’t take this how it is any longer. It’s time to endanger myself, to break myself, to fix this home.
If I succeed, they must be brought back together. They must be in the same place at the same time. To see me. To care for me. To ask me why. To figure it out. And if I say. If I say why. If they see why. If they feel why, hearing me, together, seeing how serious I am, what other option is there? If they both love me like they say, care for me as they say.
It’s time to not sit back and do nothing anymore. It’s time to break some things, break myself. Shatter the binding, start wilting. Showing that I can’t live without every element and that my blood will fall with me. That this house cannot continue without unity. That I will fall. That I won’t make it. That this will break us. All of us.
And how would they feel? If they lost me, their first look into love, the first of their name. How would she let me go? Let me fade because of this? The only option. The only outcome. Would be me taking one for the team and bringing us back. Snapping us all out of this matrix and back into reality. Unplugging our machines that show us this fake world. And forgetting it. Leaving it behind and never mentioning it again. Because we won’t make it like this. I won’t be the only one go out.
The goal here is not to break entirely. But I know I can’t control that. So if that’s what needs to happen for the outcome I want, so be it. But at least let me see it, if only for a moment. At least let me feel it. I’ll gladly close my eyes and never see another thing again if it means I accomplished what needs to be done.
Thank me in the end, because you all need this to happen. It’s a selfless act of knowing what’s going to happen otherwise, and being the martyr.
Find me on the front lines. Leading. Walking across the minefield first and alone, because if I don’t then who will? Will I risk losing everyone just because I’m scared to risk myself? No. I’m risking everything. I’m walking out alone. Into the distance I can see. Because if I make it, you can all follow. And I believe, I still believe, that we can. And I’ll give it everything I have. I’ll sacrifice it all.
This is our saving grace. This is my grand purpose. This is what the healer said she felt about me. This is why I’ve been so plagued. It’s because I’m the one who’s been called. I’m the one who has to save us.
And if I don’t walk out into it, we all blow up there, becoming dust and nothing more.