• Some kinda fucked up

    by  • September 2, 2017 • To You • 6 Comments

    Why can’t I just let you go?

    When together you act as if you miss me
    as if you care
    as if you love me
    even say so

    when together you act as if I am the one
    that makes you happy
    gives you peace and calm
    as if I am your home as I feel you are to me

    all and just to walk out
    without a word
    without a trace
    without seemingly a care
    without effort

    Until you are back again
    as if no time at all has passed
    as if nothing else but us happened
    as if nothing else mattered, matters
    days and nights in silence in between
    sometimes weeks
    returning like drowning gasping for air
    for me
    yet without an initiation from me…
    barely anything


    The pain inflicted
    deep into the depth of me

    This unreasonable happiness spreading
    all throughout every part of me
    inside out
    extinguishing every ounce of
    pain and doubt


    Those moments that are everything
    yet seem to mean
    so very little to you
    to treat them so recklessly
    dump me so quickly to your suiting

    Why can’t I just let you go?

    I know I deserve better
    I know I can I am
    yada yada yada

    This is how an addict must feel
    and you are my drug
    just not by choice
    because I am paralyzed
    in words
    in expression of how I feel
    the before and after you
    every time you just vanish

    I don’t blame you
    I don’t hate you
    in fact I love you with all the might
    I could never embrace for any other
    throughout my entire life

    I disdain myself for my weakness
    Why can’ I just let you go?
    Why can’t I feel for anybody else
    what in mere select moments you make me feel?

    What kinda fucked up emotionally am I?

    I ran all the way to another continent
    I ran and tried in silence
    I tried ahh so so hard
    I ran as I tend to do
    as I always did to find myself again
    but now all I find myself in
    is you.

    AND I know
    I know of all those unspoken words
    I know your whys
    I know reasons
    I know
    but still
    “here” I am
    standing still each time
    soaking in this feeling you give me
    for just those moments
    which are again
    becoming less

    I am for granted and so very
    in my love for you
    while you think to
    but barely know me anymore
    the parts you do know however
    are my secrets
    my feelings and desires
    my deeper self unrevealed

    This is some kinda fucked up

    I am

    and trying to break the cycle!

    I don’t want from you what you
    may think I do
    I want from you all those parts
    nobody cares about
    but you don’t seem to believe
    or maybe that’s exactly what you cannot
    give me
    and therefor run?
    Easier to give wealth and a brush of fame
    than yourself

    Well, I am going to give it another shot
    another try to break free from you

    I “picked” another man
    he has no clue yet
    I met him but once when I first arrived
    almost 2 years ago
    he was smitten instantly
    while I blew him off than
    didn’t care handsome
    didn’t notice charm

    Came across his profile
    now decided, I will take a second look
    with an open mind
    no expectations
    need his “service” anywho

    One message, he called not 10 minutes later
    set an appointment for a consultation
    I think he guessed who I am
    but he doesn’t know
    I didn’t say
    I’ll just let fate play it’s game
    see where it goes
    if anywhere
    but I have a feeling
    that the choice will be mine.

    This is some kinda fucked up
    but I am ready to find out
    if there is someone out there.
    Someone compatible to wake up to
    to be held by and to hold.
    Someone to laugh with, walk with,
    see places with in awe.
    Someone to be silent with and relax.
    Someone to spoil without it being taken
    for granted.
    I’ll give it a chance to see what it’s
    like to actually getting spoiled a little.

    No idea if he even stands a chance
    a chance to break through this wall
    I built around my heart
    filled with you
    but …

    Too old to be this darn stupid
    Too young to just give up hope

    This is some kinda fucked up, LOL.

    6 Responses to Some kinda fucked up

    1. !
      September 3, 2017 at 8:12 am

      I could have written this… I hope you find what you seek.

      • author
        September 6, 2017 at 2:51 pm

        Thank you & I wish you the same!
        BTW. my “pick” turned out very handsome, with all the right words, a lovelorn stare and how he remembered me from that one time passer by meeting about 2 years ago. BUT with small hands, a bit too short, definitely too accommodating, at least 5 years too young (and that’s pushing it) and a goodbye kiss where I felt absolutely nada, even though he’s a good kisser… Excuses or me being too picky?
        BUT I am getting super cheap insurance and that ought to count for something even if my attempt to find my way of being some kinda fucked up failed – so far =)
        Heads up, life sure is good for a laugh no matter the angle of “why”.

    2. Lins Category: Bitch
      September 13, 2017 at 12:13 am

      Super cheap insurance, wtf ???
      you sound a real creep and nasty, and given your disgusting superficial description of the poor guy you used with intent and malice for your extremely selfish intentions, most likely you are at best mediocre and not too attractive on the outside either.

      Utterly loathsome.

      • @Lins Category: Bitch
        September 13, 2017 at 7:25 pm

        I’m not the author, but just came across this and sort of curious why do you care? I’m not judging you. Peace out and all that. You seem like one of those people who has fairly rigid values which means you’re probably deep. But I’m not sure. I couldn’t know for certain. So what makes you think you know for certain that this woman character in it’s entirety could be deduced such a description as “utterly loathsome?’

        Right? I don’t know either of you. You don’t have to like what i say. Why should you? Or what the author says. It’s just more about what’s healthy for you. Does it make you feel good about yourself to call be vitriolic in this way?

      • Judgmental much?
        September 13, 2017 at 10:51 pm

        While you certainly sound like a real charmer, I give you this..

        I do have a strange sense of humor that acquires looking between the lines. Something not everyone is capable of and probably an even tougher task not knowing what transpired.

        Of course I was looking for good conditions before purchasing insurance, who doesn’t? If you know a little about this subject than you should know also that there are general rules and stipulations that are not adjustable. No matter how cute or ugly someone as a person is.

        Yeah, I am very ugly inside out, btw. and very selfish. Especially for depreciating a handsome Gigolo trying to get into my pants during a sales banter while my mind ist still too focused on someone else entirely.

        Not for nothing I am happy I could give you a proper reason and outlet to give your fucked up assumptions & mind air. I hope it made you feel better.

    3. @ wealth and fame
      September 16, 2017 at 2:31 am

      Eeewww, what a turn off. Your ramblings give an insight into the thoughts and motivations of a pathetic, desperate gold digger.

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