I can’t think straight, and I don’t know if anything I say will make sense because I don’t function properly when it comes to you. I don’t know why that alone isn’t a huge red flag in my brain. Maybe it’s because I want you. Or maybe I want the Idea of us, because it seems like it could be good, but I will never tell you that. Because being in the unknown is much safer than you telling me you could never be with me.
I entered dangerous territory. Being a FWB with someone never ends well. Someone ends up getting hurt. I ignored everything I believed in because the last relationship I had ruined me. It quite literally killed something in me, that I can never get back. I would go day by day and feel so insecure. I would turn down guy after guy, and wouldn’t ever talk to anyone because in my head I already created the ending. Which was that I will never be good enough for anyone.
Then you came into my life. I said yes to hanging with you, when I told everyone else no. I let you kiss me, when I would tell every guy no. I had sex with you, and I had never done that with anyone else. I let you have a part of me no one else had ever had. It wasn’t even the timing, it was all you, and I still to this day have no idea why I said yes to you. But I did.
I want to show up at your house and talk with you. But you make it seem like the relationship is under your terms, and on top of that I have a fear of rejection. So here I am, on a website where you will never read how I truly feel. Although deep down, I wish you would read this. I wish you could read my mind and tell me what you are thinking. But you can’t, and you won’t. And all of a sudden, something else in me died along with this letter.