• Fighting Flight

    by  • September 2, 2017 • * Safe for Work *, To You • 1 Comment

    There’s something I’ve been meaning to ask you. I don’t know how it hasn’t come up yet.
    So, are you good at math? I’m really not. I used to be ok in high school, but it was definitely my weakest subject. The reason I ask is that if we were to have kids, I was hoping your genes could kinda take over there.

    But even if youre not, maybe you could help me with a problem I’ve been trying to work out. Its one of those ‘word problems’ I always use to hate.
    Ok, so here it goes: Person A stands directly across from Person E at a distance of roughly 2 feet. Person E moves towards Person A at a slow, but continual pace. How long will it take Person E to be in the same place as Person A? I’ll give you a minute to think about it.

    So my thoughts were that even if E is moving slowly, it shouldn’t take that long if he’s continually moving forward, right? But I was a bit stunned when I looked up the answer and it said that even after 5 years, E never reaches A. In fact the distance between them grows dramatically. I cant understand how that possible. The only thing I can think of is that A must have been moving in the opposite direction faster than E was moving forward. Does that make sense to you?

    Inherent in every chase is someone who is running away. It’s the “flight” mechanism in that classic dichotomy. But the funny thing is, both flight and fight come from fear. Fear of rejection on one hand and fear of losing everything you care about on the other. For the life of me, I cant understand why in all the years Ive known you, you’ve always been so confident and so brave. But you are so insecure when it comes to me.

    That’s why youre so evasive, isn’t it? Nothing direct from you, all subterfuge and hidden meanings. I always assumed you enjoyed it, but maybe you don’t. Maybe you just cant help it. Regardless, “for better or for worse”, its what Ive come to expect from you. And honestly, it really sucks. Just as one example, think about this place. I had to read every letter like it was from you to try to hear your voice. Ive had to believe alternatively that you’ve been raped and beaten in your past, that you’ve gotten married, that you’ve been sleeping with other guys while I’ve been waiting for you, that you cant have kids. So many other things too. Ive experienced every emotion with you, except that I don’t know what real and whats not.

    What about real life you ask? Well, what about real life? When was the last time you said anything nice to me? Actually to me. I can tell you. It was April 2014. That was the last time we’ve had a real conversation. Sure, I ‘ran into you’ one time and we talked some. But for some reason I wasn’t very comfortable in that situation. Probably why I’ve never done that again and I never will. Other than that, for the last 3+ years we haven’t had a single real interaction where you didn’t hurt me. Usually on purpose too.

    But I take it. Because I love you. I wish you could actually believe that. Just once.

    One Response to Fighting Flight

    1. movpar
      September 20, 2017 at 9:12 pm

      I just want you to know that no matter what…

      I will always love you.

      I’m sorry I cannot express myself the way you may hope I would. I’ve been hurt but certainly not in the ways you may gather from those posts.

      Please come back to me.

      I miss you.

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