• The solute and the solvent

    by  • August 28, 2017 • * Safe for Work *, To You • 21 Comments

    Know that I am asking you to forgive me.

    A very long time ago I did not treat you, or us, with the reverence and respect that you, we , our love, our friendship, our past was deserving of.

    Please forgive me for causing you, us, all
    unspeakable pain , hurt and ache.

    The truth is that at the time, I failed you on so many levels, because…

    I failed to listen to my heart,
    I failed to hear my soul,
    I failed to honour my instinct,
    I failed to believe our friends,
    who tried to tell how much you loved me.

    Instead, all I focused on was
    Running away from and blocking out
    You, us, myself.
    My love for you.
    All and everything that we ever had.

    Please forgive me.

    For failing to reach out to you,
    For failing to call you.
    For falling to send you a letter.
    For falling to seek you out, in person.
    Most of all please forgive me
    For failing to inform you of my intentions
    Before I was to sign a certificate
    A document fate presented me with swiftly.

    Please forgive me for not reaching out to you,
    Before, prior to submittment.

    Please, forgive me.

    21 Responses to The solute and the solvent

    1. Is it true
      August 28, 2017 at 3:04 pm

      Tony does it mean you are married?

      • @is it true
        September 3, 2017 at 9:54 am

        Please, rest assured that this letter was not written by Tony.

    2. Anon
      August 28, 2017 at 5:49 pm

      You’re apologising for failing to reach out, sooo reach out to your person and be sure they hear you. Else the apology is mute.

      • @ mute
        September 3, 2017 at 10:08 am

        My heart has confirmed good recent of my forgiveness letter.
        I trust my heart, because it never lies.

        • Anon to @mute
          September 6, 2017 at 7:49 am

          If you are the author of this letter, then you respond with mute comment about your apology being rendered mute with “my heart has confirmed good” and so on??? What? You wrote this letter for somebody who exists as an autonomous entity beyond your own “heart”. Did you not? Asking for forgiveness? Expressing concern for them? No?

          So then when an onlooking says your apology is mute in this context, you respond with an affirmation of you own good feelings?

          It’s sad, if I understand this right, what you show is that now you feel okay, everything is good in the world. No. That’s not apologies work. Not by definition. If its a true apology, then there is someone that you hurt somewhere who is deserving of that apology. If its a true apology its a sincere recognition of someones feelings beyond your own and an attempt to restore balance so wrong. Right?

          But if it’s mute, if its all about you, if its to make yourself feel better then its not a true apology at all. I don’t mean to come off rude. I’m just tired of selfish people who think only about themselves and their well being. Too many people delude themselves into some idea that love is all about them, all about making them feel good. Its narcissistic.

          It’s not love if its all about you. It’s not sorrow if its all about you. I wish you well. I hope you can understand what I am trying to say.

    3. Lol
      August 28, 2017 at 8:48 pm

      You ask for forgiveness yet it’s not genuine…

      Maybe I’d forgive you if you apologized in real life… but you’re still cold, heartless, and disgusting.

      I won’t forgive you because you don’t deserve forgiveness.

      You lost your chance with me.

      “Fate” doesn’t provide one with a document.

      YOU went out of your way to sabotage our love and our relationship. You ruined everything. That is why I’ll never love you or respect you the same way I did in the past.

      You’re selfish, childish, and ignorant… you need to grow up.

      I’ll never do anything nice for you again.

      You can forget about me proposing to you too…

      You don’t deserve anything.

      Goodbye, M.

    4. @ goodbye
      September 3, 2017 at 10:26 am

      Dear M, Your reply tells a very sad story of much hurt,terrible pain , deception, and lost trust. My heart goes out to you, sending you comfort, peace, happiness and serenity. Letting go of your anger would be beneficial to you in finding true soul mate love , something that you are most deserving of because your passionate reply tells me that you have a lot of love to give.
      Good luck xx

    5. @ Anon @ mute
      September 7, 2017 at 8:13 am

      1. Maybe it was my person who told me to always trust my heart?
      2. Maybe it was my person who urged me to never again fail to listen to my heart?
      3. Maybe my person wrote a letter of friendship, love and apology to me, on here?
      4.Maybe my forgiveness letter was written in reply, to my person’s letter?
      5.Maybe we have said to each other all and everything there ever was, is, can, should, must and will be said, many times, in the past, present and future, in person, by phone, email, text, fax, telegram, pigeon post, bottled mail, braille, mute and in silence?
      6. Maybe we know each other’s hearts, souls and thoughts so well, it borders on telepathy?
      7. Maybe we both have come to realize that we were chosen to experience a special, rarefied, arch type of love: the eternal, of the soul, of the mind, the love that never dies, yet fate decided to be cruel to our love, by making it a love that is impossible, doing so to render it even more special?
      8. Maybe we have agreed to never speak, look, feel , smile , laugh, think, float, contact and love each other, ever again, because the rapture mixed with poison we experienced will always be breathing, deep and burning, alive within?
      9. Maybe Hope mischievously decided to boycott our love’s tragic fate: for our fingertips to never ever touch again, by using Chance, against three billion odds, and make us meet again?
      10. On here?
      11. Maybe I am crazy and deluded, a fantasist, or dreamer and entirely mistaken?
      12. Maybe you are the rightest of the right?
      13. Who was, is, will ever to be known?

      • Anon to @mute
        September 10, 2017 at 10:37 pm

        Whatever I just read it brought tears to my eyes. a long time ago I asked him how does one keep going when there’s nothing left. He said hope. I told him I grew up on Hope St. I did. I literally grew up on Hope st. I don’t live there anymore. I need a sincere honest to God apology, else there’s nothing left.

        • @ Hope Street
          September 28, 2017 at 7:35 am

          Thanks for your reply. He was correct to say hope is what must be sought out. I hope that you will receive your apology. Best wishes.

      • Tweedle dee
        September 12, 2017 at 11:40 am

        Maybe . . .

        Tweedle dum

    6. @anon to @mute
      September 14, 2017 at 4:29 am

      Gosh its really made me emotional, just the tiny chance that you were him. I don’t know if he really understands how much he hurt me. There were things he did that were just really inappropriate (to put it mildly) in that last month of seeing each other. When things ended, by his choice, I remember sort of being relieved because I felt as if, while I wanted and really tried to make things work, it would just be an escape from the trauma of certain things. But it wasn’t. It wasn’t because, I guess, even when it ended it was just this sort of apocalyptic fight. It felt like that to me, like I didn’t get to have a say. It felt like my hands were tied, especially when he’s ended it so angrily, as if the idea was mine and it was my fault it was ending. It’s so strange. We never even spoke in person after it ended. And then, well as time went on, there was this lingering of trauma, and I needed to talk to him about it, what happened, why certain boundaries were crossed but he just wouldn’t really have a bar of it. He would just kind of scream over the top of my questions, and tell me what I thought, tell me what I felt, tell me what my intentions were. Accuse me of wanting to do things that were not at all on my agenda. And it just, it was so traumatic that last month, and it just REALLY flipped me out. And then I lost control. Over my behavior. Across so many areas of my life, and yeah I said and did some horrid things. I know that.

      The chances of you being him are just so small. Your letter brought up such a need in me I’ve been trying to bury since the last straw. It’s like an infinite well of pain, this desire for that apology. The desire to know that he recognizes what he did. The impact it on me, on my psychology, my relationship with the world and the people in it. I really thought he was good all through the years. Before. I just had this stubborn belief in his decency, a trait he seemed to once have, one of many traits I fell in love with all those years ago.

      It rocked the earth beneath me, that which it all came down to, having to accept that maybe he wasn’t good. Maybe I didn’t know him at all. I want to wish him all the best, I want to believe that he’s good. I want to believe that what we had mattered. I want to believe that he knows he hurt me, I want to believe that he can take accountability.

      But believing it as I did for so long. It only did me harm.

      Whoever your person is, please make an effort to restore peace, please let that person hear the words they deserve to hear, should you believe they deserve them.

      It’s not even about picking up where things left off, nor is it about hitting a reset button. It’s just, I suppose it’s healing. I’m just thinking even if you are him, this letter wouldn’t make sense to you. I don’t know. I’m speaking from my heart.

      Take care

      • @ speaking from your heart
        September 28, 2017 at 7:46 am

        Thanks for your kind reply. I am sorry for your suffering and send you my best wishes. Please know that I am not your person, but I sincerely hope you will heal and find happiness within yourself, even if you will never hear from ‘him’ again.

    7. anon to @mute 2
      September 14, 2017 at 5:10 am

      In my ideal world he would take the first step. Primarily for the sake of decency, for the sake of credit to all our years. Nothing should end like that. Like we did. Ever.

      Points 7 and 8 that you wrote really resonated with me. I don’t think we ever had a clue what we were doing. I don’t know. I didn’t know what we were doing. I only knew I loved him. And in my situation, I can say it was never a committed relationship, it just, we kept seeing each other for a couple of months and then there’d be some small squabble and we’d go our separate ways. I didn’t even realize ten years had gone by until the very end.

      I don’t know what I wanted. I just knew i loved him. And it was so shocking, devastating to find out that he’d been, that he felt messed around by me, manipulated by me through the years. It was horrible to find out after all that time he was always trying to push it somewhere, because I didn’t know that.

      It was so easy to take an arrangement like what he had for granted, and so I just I didn’t understand how critical it was between us, before everything went to shit, that I accepted and went along with the need he expressed for things to move forwsrd, for the commitment. I was scared. I didn’t feel ready.

      The scary part is that looking back its like he was so hurt and so angry that things never moved forward that he did the things he did in that last month as this sort of revenge. Like it kind of broke his sanity for those few weeks and then soon after it broke mine.

      And even then, it was like he hated me for it. It was so horrible that, while I make no excuse for his actions or mine, that he sincerely believed I was just manipulating him, like it was some sort of game to me. I loved him more than I ever loved anyone or anything in my entire life, just for who he was, near or far, and that love became a part of me, and after all the times we spent together he couldn’t believe that I loved him. After being told I didn’t love him enough times after the things he’s already done that I wont mention here, it really killed a part of me.

      Anyway, enough of the winge fest. Hope this finds you well, whoever you are.

      • @ point 7 and 8
        September 28, 2017 at 7:57 am

        Thank you for your meaningful reply to my letter. Please know that I am happy for you to have found love at one point in your life, because I love is probably the most important emotion a human can feel and experience in life. I am sad to read that it left you very sad but wish you good luck in the future, also please know that I am not your person.

    8. anon to @mute 3
      September 14, 2017 at 5:57 am

      If I could wish for anything it would be a two way non combative mutually apologetic dialogue between us, because it’s weird the people we became from the beginning on the end. Still scares me, we just pushed each other too far I suppose. I’m sure I’ve said too much now. Eek.

      • @ mute 3
        September 28, 2017 at 8:02 am

        No, you didn’t say too much. I am not your person, but I am happy to read your important thoughts, which are very meaningful to me.

        What seems to transpire out of all the replies is the need for a human to receive a heartfelt apology from the person they loved.

        I wish you, too, the best of luck and much happiness.

    9. Anon to @mute
      September 22, 2017 at 7:08 pm

      Hmm…I never got a reply following those lengthy comments of mine. Feel a bit silly now. Guess you weren’t my person, I didn’t expect it but things you wrote seemed like it was but it makes more sense it wasn’t. Chances are just too slim. Oh well. Best of luck with your situation.

      • Anon to @mute
        September 24, 2017 at 2:40 am

        Oh how I wish it had have been him, I can’t even believe it but I’d forgive it all if only he apologised. Life is full, life has moved on, there are son many people, so many opportunities but my soul cries out, I block it, and it cries again, I still love him but I know I shouldn’t. 🙁

      • @ please, no need to feel silly
        September 28, 2017 at 9:17 am

        Please accept my apologies for the delay in acknowledging your reply, I actually didn’t see any of them, sometimes lins doesn’t post them.

        I understand the importance of receiving an apology from the person who hurt you. The need to receive an apology is the reason why I wrote a very extensive, loving, poetic, all encompassing apology to ‘my person’ on here. Not because I did anything wrong, but to give my person peace and closure, vital parts needed to move on from pain and hurt and ache.

        Best wishes

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