This is the only way I can say these things to you, because it is not wise to break the silence, as there is no reason for us to talk given our life circumstances. However, it has been on my heart to apologize because, over time, I have gone from only being able to feel my pain to letting it go, forgiving you, and being able to take responsibility for the things I did wrong.
I’m sorry, first of all, for not handling my inner conflict well and for allowing an inappropriate emotional bond to form between us. That is the root of everything that went wrong. I sacrificed my values and acted selfishly, against my conscience, because I mistakenly put the responsibility for my well-being on others, especially you. I thought you could heal the loneliness and pain from my past, but no one on the face of this earth has the power to do that.
I’m sorry for running away and ending things so abruptly when you hurt me. If I could do it again, I would try to listen to you, be more understanding, and talk things out. I would leave in a way that wasn’t so upsetting. I hope that it has not scarred you, and if it has, that you have healed fully. I want to say that either way I would have ended up being honest with my husband and trying to restore our marriage because that is who I am at my core, and even though I got off track and messed up horribly, I ultimately saw the reality of what I was doing and chose to make it right. I’m sorry for the confusion that followed while I fought to sidestep my emotions and follow my conscience. I did love you then, and leaving was the one of the hardests thing I’ve done, with traumatic consequences. It took a long time for the broken part of me that had been so deeply attached to you to heal enough for me to finally know consciously what I had blind faith in then, that when I felt like myself again, I would know I made the right decision.
I am sorry for and deeply regret involving you in something you should never have even known about. I want you to know that my suicide attempt was not your fault in any way. I don’t hate you, and if anything happened to me I would want you to know that in my book, we were and are at peace. Please know that the things I said then were not reflective of reality, as I was in a fog and filtered everything through the hopelessness I felt at that point. I have since learned that no matter how people treat me, I am the one responsible for taking care of myself, to watch out for situations that are not good for me and to get help before it’s too late. I won’t let feelings of guilt and the pain of being treated carelessly or with malice impact me so negatively again. If mentally I become incapable of taking care of myself, in those moments I will lean on those who have demonstrated compassion and dependability and commitment to me. Again, I’m sorry for wrongly putting that on you.
Thanks for being there for me at a time when I was so lonely and lost and my feelings took the wheel and got me off course. Thank you for being brave enough to say you loved me first and to try to plan for me being a part of your life. I do know you cared, despite the way I lost sight of that when things unravelled. I regret that you got wrapped up in it and can see your side of things, how much it must have hurt to feel like I turned on you, like I ran away, and the pain of my choice. I am so, so sorry. I never wanted to hurt you or to react in the destructive ways I did. You are a lovable person, and though I don’t know you anymore, three years later, I did know you then and know you have everything to make the right person very happy.
Since I’ve had a child and experienced that joy, I see the miscarriage in a completely different light. I was incapable of processing it at the time. I don’t know exactly how you felt about it, but I do know now that any fear we felt was natural, and if it had resulted in a child, that would have been a world of love, and that potential love was lost. We went through a lot together in a short amount of time, and I’d be lying if I said I was not deeply impacted by it. We’re not meant to experience such deep attachments then tear them apart multiple times in our lives. That is why affairs are the most damaging of relationships, because they cause so much pain, and they always have an element of brokenness to them no matter how they end.
So as I have healed and am working to become my true self, I cannot avoid this responsibility to say these things, if not directly to you, somewhere where they can exist as evidence of where my heart is. And that is in a place of forgiveness and love and compassion for you, no matter how you feel about me. I hope you can forgive me, but even if you still consider me an enemy or hate me, I have only genuine love for you. Not the kind that clings, that idealizes the past or fantasizes about some future that will never happen, but the kind that lets go and prays for you anytime you come up in my thoughts. That wants only good things for you. That hopes you are well and have no lingering emotional issues from anything I have done, said, or failed to do or say.
The best way I can love now is to be present in the life I have chosen, to live it well, to selflessly love those I am blessed to have, and to make decisions that reflect who I truly am, who God wants me to be, and to let you live yours, without ever again intruding. I know that is the right thing to do and the best thing for all of us.
“You can’t go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are and change the ending.” -C.S. Lewis