• I just gotta get it out into the void.

    by  • August 21, 2017 • To You • 0 Comments

    Dear D,

    I’ve written you 10’s of letters, but none here before, and none has ever been given to you. I don’t know what I think this will accomplish, but I need to get it out, and I still don’t want to say it to your face.

    So here I go. I want to tell you, every Sunday when I see you, how beautiful you look when the sun shines in the window lighting your face. I want to thank you, for every small thing and for every large thing you have done for me. You have been my support for so long now. You are kind, caring, compassionate, funny, brilliant, talented and overall, who I consider to be the best person on the planet. I trust you completely. You really are the only non-family member I do trust, and you know this. I also love you. I love you with every ounce of my being. But I can’t say this to you because it would cause you some distress. It would probably cause us both some distress. And right now, everything is going so well that I don’t want to screw it up by saying anything. I’ve felt this way for a very long time. Since the moment I stepped into that shitty dive bar and heard you play for the first time, I knew there was something special about you, something no one else had, or will ever have. When we were introduced, we hit it off pretty well, since we have exceptionally similar musical tastes as well as philosophies (though you are better at living it than I am). After that night, I knew. I knew it would be you that would enrapture my heart. But you were so young at the time and so positive that I didn’t think you would ever go for a person like me.

    Now, now I think that my feelings could ruin you, that by being a part of my life in a more significant way would taint the joy and positivity that you radiate. I don’t want to be the woman to do that to you. I don’t want to engulf you or take you away from what makes you, you. The you that you are is perfect, and I think that I could destroy it…I don’t want that. And you’re happy, which is what I want for you, so why disrupt that? I just want to support you, to watch you grow and love life. To see you create and be this person that you’ve always been and I want to provide you with any guidance you ask for, or none when you want to do life in your own way. I am your biggest cheerleader in life and will always be there to cheer you on.

    There’s so much more I want to say, but I don’t know how. The other day, when we were practicing, you said something smart about the song saying it was a guide for running away from commitment and being loyal. I think you think that I can’t commit to people, or that I think to commit to someone or to be loyal to someone is somehow a flaw. That’s actually not what I think at all. I think committing to a person is a beautiful thing, but when you are with the wrong person, and they aren’t treating you right, there has to be a point where you do what’s best for yourself and leave. That’s what I did or have done. And now, I’ve been single a very long time, but that’s mainly because I am holding out for the best possible person. I think you’re that person. I think you’re amazing in every way, even when you annoy me.

    I just fucking love you, that’s really it.


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