• To the jerk I know

    by  • August 12, 2017 • Acceptance • 0 Comments

    The best thing I can do with my thoughts it is to write them down. Because I am angry. I am really angry. I am even afraid to go on Facebook, in case you see I am online. Because last time when you decided to tell me in a car (instead of any other time over the long weekends) that you don’t want a child with me and I ended up feeling lost and confused and did not send you lovey dovey messages on Facebook, you attacked me with: Helloooo, you are all day online, are you not talking to me?
    What about: Hi Mirjana, are you okay? Do you want to talk? That is what mature people do.
    You did not even notice I had a cry in a car. Because you don’t really notice or know who I am or what I am about. And I wasn’t the one who suggested marriage or a baby in the first place. I was just going with the flow. Those were your ideas.
    You have pushed and pushed very far with my patience ( and I kept closing a blind eye no matter the red flags) until there is nowhere for me to go now, but out. And not because I want to find a man to marry but because I want to be free from your negativity. Yes, the man who claims he is positive. You ruined everything we had.
    You have said many things to make yourself look good but your actions have showed you as completely different person in practice.
    Some of your quotes: I am a lover, not a fighter…. I just want your heart, I don’t need anything else. Let’s get married. We can have a child in a year after we have some fun. …Move in with me and I will get a broadband…Get a licence and I will get you a car….I am a positive person….You can call me any time, I will always be there for you…..I love you baby, soooooo much!
    These are just some of your lines I can think of and will refer to.
    You changed your mind about marriage after I was having a panic attack on the street, and you hung up on me. And after me being upset texting and calling and begging for forgiveness you switched off your phone and went to bed. And I did not sleep all night in stress and worry.
    And you even said, because I told you I cried on a bus stop, that you don’t want to be with me until I am ok. Is that how you meant that you will always be there for me?
    My attitude changed since then. Because I really don’t know what to expect from you next, what new negativity I will get, so I am not telling you how I feel and I am not putting my heart to be stamped on again. EVER.
    And after you birthday, when we were in a pub you lied to your brother that you never said that we would get married. After you told all your family and my friends and invited everyone to Croatia!
    And as I was getting used to your mind change you attacked me for not sending you messages for half a day. You expected that I run and beg you, again? Did you?
    But let’s go to the start. All was amazing as you were manipulating how everything will happen. And when I was asked to go to Xmas party instead of my Boss where nobody was bringing their partners you were upset with me for not being able to get another ticket. At the very start of the relationship. How romantic! And also, what was supposed to be a brilliant experience for a young relationship, painting my room together you turned into negativity. You started asking me why am I checking messages on my phone and telling me that you wanted to stop the painting and leave? WTF!
    And then after Maverick was texting me that he was glad to work with me you freaked out and did not speak to me all day. I was in tears that day again, in panic, thinking I would die.
    And then you asked the same guy, to be his Casting Director! I cannot even believe that someone would do this when they said they dislike the guy. Talking about two faced.
    Maybe that is why you don’t appear to have many friends. You have your lovely family but I haven’t noticed anyone jumped to come to your 50th birthday. Does that say something?
    Oh, and I thought a hotel on the lakes in Killarney with dinner and wine might be romantic for us. But I haven’t heard any excitement on your side. No kisses, no closeness, no love, no intimate talk, nothing. For months. Ever since you took down our profile pic on Facebook. And ever since you stopped taking any pictures of us. While before, you were constantly snapping and even having our memory box!
    Shall I mention now that you have ignored me the whole time at your 50th birthday party, that we don’t have any pictures together from the night, and when everyone was smoking and I got the joint, you grabbed it out of my hand and said: You had enough!
    Talk about disrespect. Do I smoke every night or something so you need to stop me? Are you my father? I went to bed feeling very low on your 50th birthday.
    Everyone was chatting at the party and you had no minute to be with the one you supposedly love. It made me feel very, very alone. But I decided to put that one under the carpet too.
    The same way how I put under carpet that you left me in a pub and went to drive home on your own at 2 o clock in the morning after drinking. All I wanted was to dance with my man and you were pushing my hand away as if I am a stranger. I did have too much too drink and it hurt me, as by that stage it was obvious that you ignore me because you don’t care that much.
    I haven’t slept that night either.
    And I stopped telling you when I get anxious, as last time I was anxious you wanted to leave the relationship. Would a friend do that to a friend?
    Which brings me to the next. What tablets was I taking for the past year? You don’t know the name. Why? Because you don’t care what tablets I was prescribed. And they were heavy. And I was prescribed those because of a man, the last man who emotionally broke me, and because of whom I almost lost my life from distress.
    He also claimed he is my friend! And you want to be my best friend, is that right? You know, the best friend would never treat a friend like you treat me.
    Going back to tablets, when I said that I should not drink because of tablets, you said that I should not take tablets then. Are you aware that tablets I was taking can have a serious side effect if you abruptly stop? No. Because you don’t really care what tablets I am taking, was taking.
    I spent last two days like a zombie, after the last and final stress you caused. I haven’t slept till morning and I feared I was to get a panic attack. Why? Because you were telling me that I am better off without you and that you want to be my best friend. And then you started accusing me that I have had an abortion and how could I do it. Then forcing me to answer that question on Viber. Does word insensitive mean anything to you? I sobbed and cried begging you to stop and you kept demanding the answer. On Viber. Do you think discussions about those things should be typed up with cool shortcuts and smiley faces on social networks? I reserve private matters for face to face, as any mature person does.
    And why do you even give a fuck if I had or did not have an abortion? My body and my past are not for display to you to judge. I would not even trust you now to confide any such details with you as you make me scared. Your reactions make me scared. You are judgmental and insensitive and lastly, you don’t love me. Because a friend or a lover does not act like that.
    What you claim is love sounds more like emotional manipulation . How dare you demand that I answer and threaten to stop talking if I don’t explain my ex relationship over a Viber message? How dare you degrade and humiliate me? How dare you dismiss me! Is that friendship? IT IS MANIPULATION.
    And I do not wish to know you. You have a wonderful, normal, family members and you should try look up to them, because maybe it can help that one day you truly become a man, in that old fashioned way, the man with sensible values and genuine respect towards women.
    And by the way, why you never told me you have another son, and that he does not speak to you??
    I found that out at Rosie’s birthday. I never asked as I thought there will be time and place for such talk, and that maybe it is painful for you to discuss. That is the difference between me and you, I protect your feelings and you walk all over mine.
    Until now. Because I have had enough. Find another fool. Or a ragged doll to manipulate.
    And now I am looking at your Facebook profile to see when you gonna put relationship status down, and you know what? I don’t care anymore.
    A week ago when i was sending you lovey messages when you told me you don’t want a child, you hid the status without telling me and when I asked you about it, you lied that you didn’t and put it back.
    My only fault now is that I still care a little, I care about good memories I had, when I enjoyed spending time with you, cooking together, driving away together, watching movies together. So a little part of me misses those moments and is afraid of a conflict. That is why I am not sending this now. I wait for your next move, Because it is you who is doing all the moves and you would outsmart me anyway, just the way you outsmart me playing that table game. You know exactly how to think a few steps ahead to get what you want.
    I don’t like alpha males. Or chauvinists. They make me skin crawl. That is why I need to remove myself and heal the emotional pain, that I let another jerk cause me.

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