There are some things I regret.
I’m sorry I didn’t come see you in the hospital when you had dengue in 2012. Our friends were going, and I could’ve come with them – but I was scared. I was scared of what they’d say and I was scared of what my parents would say when I went back home. I should’ve come.
I’m sorry I didn’t come see you on your birthday in 2014. We were out for dinner – you know my mum’s birthday is on the same day as yours – and I called you and you said there were no plans. I didn’t think I’d be able to get back home after, so I didn’t come. But I should have! My sister could’ve dropped me off on her way home, and it’s not like I couldn’t have crashed in your guest room or something. So what if there were no plans? I should’ve been the plan. I should’ve come. Instead, I went back home, only to find out that a few others had landed up at your house. You said your mother even asked you why I wasn’t there, that she felt bad for me. Why wasn’t I there? I think I regret this the most. I should’ve come, I should’ve come, I should’ve come.
I’m sorry I wasn’t present with you that night in Delhi. Yes, we had an open relationship, and yes, something had just happened with that girl I’d been telling you about. I had said I was going through something, that I needed your understanding. But I shouldn’t have been the way I was that night. I shouldn’t have asked you to take care of things yourself. I should have been more present.
The next time you were in Delhi, you asked me to come to the airport. We’d just said bye that morning, but I should’ve come anyway. Instead, I calculated time. I’ll only get about fifteen minutes with you at the airport, I thought. But today I wish I’d had those fifteen minutes. The last time I saw you before everything changed was that morning, when I sent you off in a huff because we’d been talking about ending this relationship and you had said you wanted a fresh start in Prague. If I’d come to the airport, we’d have said a very different goodbye. I can’t believe you came, you’d have said. Of course I did, I’d have said. And we’d have carried that breathless disbelief instead of this huffy pause. What made things worse was that your text-friend, that girl you didn’t really know, met you at the airport instead. Then you went to Hampi together. That hurt, and I can’t help feeling like if I’d come to the airport, you wouldn’t have wanted her at the airport. You wouldn’t have gone with her to Hampi. I regret this so much. Why didn’t I come?
I wonder how you’d feel if you read this.