I told myself I wasn’t going to do this. I begged myself not to do this. I know how much you women detest actual honesty, despite all your protestations to the contrary. After all, look how far being honest has gotten me. But here I am writing this letter, even though I know I will lose favor with both of you. If nothing else let us all take a moment and acknowledge yet another demonstration of my well-documented penchant for self-sabotage.
Now, I’m not stupid enough to genuinely believe you two have never talked about me. Nor am I near arrogant enough to believe that I could create some kind of competition between you. If nothing else I say the rest of this letter resonates in any way, I hope you’ll both believe that the very last thing I want is to interfere with your relationship in any way. Now, without further ado…
Yes, you are the front runner. You should know by now that your reign atop my heart’s power rankings has continued uninterrupted since the first time I met you. I still believe you are the most beautiful woman I have ever laid my eyes on. You are my goddess, ever praiseworthy and yet perpetually unattainable.
I love you, I always have, and at least a part of me always will. Love is permanent for me. It is ‘no matter what’. And you earned that, albeit a long time ago. The problem is, you know that, a little too well. Remember when you used to implore me not to let people use me up and walk all over me? And yet, over the years, no one has ever taken me for granted as much as you do. I honestly wonder if you can even see that. I never asked to be the most important part of your life, but you don’t make me feel important to you at all. For awhile now it seems like you’ve been testing the boundaries of whether I would ever leave you for good. Just because it hasn’t happened yet doesn’t mean it never will. Please think about all this.
I hope you noticed I’m labeling you as “A2” instead of “B”. You deserve better than that, though I’m quite sure that provides you little comfort. It’s really not your fault, and I’m not just saying that. You just don’t have tenure yet the way she does. Regardless, you have made quite the case for yourself so far. Your sex appeal is undeniable. In truth, I don’t know if anyone gets my blood pumping in certain areas the way you do. To say I want you is an understatement. Physically, I wouldn’t change a thing about you. But I want you to know, that since our orbits came back into contact with each other, it’s become a lot more than that.
I don’t love you. Not right now, I’m sorry. Like I said before love is permanent for me and I just don’t know you well enough to give you that at this time. I hope you can agree with me that love encompasses everything about another human being, not just physical attraction. For what it’s worth, since the beginning of my infatuation with her, there have been, I won’t say many, but several before you, very attractive women who have expressed some level of interest in me. You are the only one for whom I can say I honestly think I could love you someday. Over time, I have developed genuine feelings for you. I really like what I’ve seen of you so far, not just on the outside, but the inside too. You are clearly intelligent, and I like your sense of humor. Most of all, you are nice to me. Some people think that reflects weakness, but ‘they’ couldn’t be more wrong. It shows true character to treat people with respect, and I have gained a lot of admiration for you because of this. In the spirit of absolute honesty, I have to say I’d like to see a little more ambition from you, and a little less repeated insistence about how content you are with your single, independent lifestyle. Maybe I’m wrong about you, but I tend to believe that what a person proclaims about their self the most loudly is actually their biggest insecurity. That being said, I really do want to get you know you more. I hope, in spite of your inevitably negative reaction to this letter, that you will let me. Lower you guard and let yourself be vulnerable for me. Nothing, and I mean nothing is more appealing than that. In fact, that was how she won my heart, once upon a time.
Right now, I’m sure you are both justifiably upset with me. That’s fine, if there’s one thing I’ve become really good at, it’s being alone. And I fully recognize I might have just guaranteed that fate for the foreseeable future. I’m ok with losing entirely with both of you if it means I never had to compromise who I am as a person. I am transparent, I am honest to a fault, and I am both empathetic and sympathetic of the position I have put you in, particularly given your friendship. My greatest hope for this situation is that, regardless of the outcome, whether I end up with either of you or neither of you, we can still all be friends. I am very grateful to have been fortunate enough to meet both of you, and I hope after some time had passed you can both accept me for the awkward, self-sabotaging, good-intentioned asshole I am.