• I’d like you to use your whole ass.

    by  • July 4, 2017 • Marriage • 37 Comments

    I have not the heart to tell you that I settled for you. I’ve always known this, and for years I had myself convinced that I could be married to a friend, because that’s what we are—friends. But now you want me to *want* you. I can’t. I just can’t.

    Perhaps this would all be easier for you if I was actually mistreating you in any way. I could yell and call you some names and stomp around the house when you don’t bother to vacuum or do the dishes. This sort of pettiness is easier to handle than the real, fundamental problem that keeps us both lonely in this relationship. We don’t really connect. Not in the way that counts. Yet you appear to be too consumed with the idea that I can be your primary source of happiness in life to realize it.

    This is all my fault. The truth is that by the time we met I was so worn from years of loneliness, trying out different women and abandoning them like half-completed projects on a workbench in the garage when it was clear that I felt no spark of recognition in them, that I thought it was just time to be loved. And you are so good at this. In that superficial, physical way that frequently substitutes itself for a soul connection that relationship “experts” claim can be created or reclaimed with the correct behaviors (and which so many of us know is bullshit), you can do this for a person who is receptive to it. I am not. Not anymore. I’ve tried to tell you this but you aren’t listening.

    So, as I wait for the last component of my exit strategy to fall into place, I will continue to love you as best I can in all of the ways that feel honest. No, I’m probably not going to touch you—this is not honest of me. But I will care for you. I will continue to pleasantly interact, make you laugh, and release you of any of the silly expectations we tend to create for our partners so that you won’t have to do those things and wonder why you are even bothering. And I will try to soften my approach when I use the important moments that arise between us to help you understand the following things—

    1) It is impossible to love someone who does not love their own self.
    2) Therapeutic behaviors in a relationship does not a connection make.
    3) You deserve to be loved by someone who organically wants you.

    I have little doubt that there exists some probable universe wherein I continued to self-medicate and we still happily half-ass our relationships with each other and other people. I’m sorry that you got stuck here, but I do hold a silent hope that because this is where you live, with sober me who values clarity above safety, you’ll see that you are destined for better things. I do love you and I want you to be happy all by yourself. I want you to start using your whole ass.

    37 Responses to I’d like you to use your whole ass.

    1. Thank you
      July 6, 2017 at 9:04 am

      I know it’s not about me.
      I’m so happy for you.

      • What if ?
        May 16, 2018 at 11:58 pm

        It is about you? I Letter describes your very average unhappy relationship. Lots of them I know, sad life for all.

      • Greg
        June 27, 2018 at 8:04 pm

        I was glad at the time that it was about your wife. That you were finally going to leave. That was a year ago. And I thought it the year before that and that and that. A broken heart every time. Again and again and again. I love yoy. Do what you gotta do. Be happy. Be whatever is you. Take care.

    2. To the jerk who wrote...
      July 6, 2017 at 9:06 am

      This kind of letters creep me out. Just be f*cking honest with her! Preparing to leave without telling her. She might love you with half of her ass, it’s easy to see you are a complete asshole! And a narcissist for sure, leave her soon! She is better off without you! The rest of the world would be too if you ask me!

      • The jerk who wrote this
        July 6, 2017 at 1:27 pm

        You’re filling in a lot of blanks there. Beware that knee-jerk intuition. So frequently does it lead us to wreck ourselves before we check ourselves.

    3. To the jerk who wrote this comment
      July 6, 2017 at 5:38 pm

      Dude sounds pretty kind to me.
      I’m sorry for referring to you as a jerk in the Name section. I am not one to know if you are or aren’t. I feel really bad about it. Sorry.

    4. Hummm
      July 12, 2017 at 1:57 am

      This is some bullshit! You married someone you weren’t in love with or attached too? Now you realize it’s not gonna work!? Well, go figure. My god what is wrong with people! I’m sure she’ll be real happy you wasted her life and time with your selfishness and self pity. Get a grip and know kindly stay out of the dating pool. Knowing narcissistic behavior like your does need therapy.

      • Hey, look.
        July 16, 2017 at 12:51 am

        I get that for you this story fits the paradigm of a Lifetime movie but as with every letter that appears on this website there is an actual, complicated mess of personal history that your anonymous perspective wouldn’t be able to extract from this content alone. I hope no anonymous voices who would actually take offense to your unattractive words run into you here.

        • tied to the bed- November 2016
          June 3, 2018 at 10:47 pm

          Did you write that one?

    5. Lacy G.
      May 13, 2018 at 1:27 pm

      I could have written this. Go find your happy, dude.

      • I agree with Lacy G
        May 15, 2018 at 5:50 pm

        Just do it.

      • I agree...to this bs so it keeps happening.
        June 27, 2018 at 4:43 pm

        What did I do this time Lacy G? Comment on this letter? That you wrote? What good would it do now admitting anything? People that admit stuff are just doing it to…..

        Dude? Fuck…this.shit.

        • Excuse me?
          July 2, 2018 at 11:52 am

          Lacy’s not allowed to post her opinion? Why?

          • @excuse me?
            July 4, 2018 at 2:38 pm

            Yes. Lacy is not allowed to post her opinion. Why? Because you used the circular opinion statement. You should look in to why saying that to anyone ever is a really silly response.

            • Right
              July 7, 2018 at 2:24 pm

              Or wrong and so clearly.

            • Replies NOT allowed!
              July 8, 2018 at 12:00 pm

              Hmmm, let me guess. You also think it’s people not guns that kill, global warning is fake news, affordable healthcare for all = communism , all journalists (and Hillary) should be locked up.

    6. courageously open letter
      May 16, 2018 at 10:56 am

      To be so brutally honest with oneself, as the author is in this confessional letter , that takes strength. I admire honesty.

      How is the author?

      • Insider
        May 24, 2018 at 1:51 pm

        He’s still in this relationship and honesty is not something I see him utilizing anytime soon.

        • Outsider
          May 31, 2018 at 3:13 pm

          Is this the author or the wife replying?

          • Boring
            June 3, 2018 at 1:47 pm

            Same old same old dude that writes letters here to himself and replies to himself to keep his letter current for some sad reason lol..But best of all he then upvotes all his replies…seen it all before… boring

            • Clearly
              June 4, 2018 at 8:52 pm

              He’ll either find the courage to speak up about his usage of this site over the years.
              Or he won’t.
              If he did? It would be such a…..a….. Lookin for right word…
              Relief. It would squash so much stupid emotional yuck.
              I’ve tried and he’s denied.

          • @ outsider
            June 5, 2018 at 12:10 am

            That’s the desperate wife. She’s also threatened to use tinder, hoping to rekindle some passion that’s lost. Like Eric and Ashely, Jason and Cindy, or Bundle and Miranda, they all communicate with each other on here. Why they do, I do not know, perhaps they like to see their words in print.

            Wishing them all true happiness and the very best of good luck.

    7. Imagining
      May 17, 2018 at 11:04 am

      If you are really close great friends, sharing same interests, on the same wave length, intellectually well matched with amazing conversations, inspiring thought exchanges, I say this could be great marriage.

      • Wondering
        May 17, 2018 at 8:25 pm

        I don’t think it works like this. Friendship in relationship is great, but it needs to be more than that. Besides, man don’t choose or use intellect when falling in love. They just do.
        I just feel sad for the author that from the beginning he was deceiving himself and then to be his life partner. No wonder that woman feels insecure about herself, she probably never felt loved by him. And, of course that make me even feel sadder for the woman.
        Makes me wonder if this union is even valid? ( I don’t mean by law)

        • @ wondering
          May 29, 2018 at 12:42 am

          I disagree as there can be great chemistry between two people based on a deep intellectual connection, cerebral or spiritual bond that goes deeper than the mere physical. By way of words minds can intermingle without ever touching, words is their way of lovemaking. #loveletters

          • wondering
            May 29, 2018 at 6:08 pm

            If you actually read my post, you would noticed that is not physical attraction I am talking about. Feeling of love isn’t formed in the head per se. Look, intellect and other attributes of that special someone is like cherry on the top of the cake.
            The same way you don’t fall in love with every, in your opinion attractive person you come across, as you won’t fall in love with every person you have engaging, interesting conversations. Or do you?

            • @ wonder
              May 30, 2018 at 1:42 pm

              Your reply is intriguing. I wished we could speak. There would be a lot to talk about.

          • Been there too
            May 30, 2018 at 10:27 am

            LOL words is their way of lovemaking? Seriously? It takes all components of what you have said or eventually one, or both, will feel very, very alone at times and it will never stop until it steps into reality.
            Nothing is worth missing out on a touch!
            Just my ten cents, of course.

    8. Been there
      May 17, 2018 at 11:30 pm

      done that. About fifteen long years, none of which I regret since I know myself better now than most.
      An exit and a new beginning after, may not always be easy but well worth it.
      I for one don’t even want to imagine spending the remaining years of my life just in a settled blah and rather enjoy who I trully am and with whom I want – even if that is not in conformity with other mindsets,

      Best wishes to you and remember we have one life to live in the now. Tomorrow is not granted for anyone.

      • what about her?
        July 7, 2018 at 9:18 pm

        None of which YOU regret. because of course, it’s all about you.

    9. Today's Most Read Ass
      May 18, 2018 at 12:45 pm


      • ThoughtPolice
        June 20, 2018 at 12:25 am

        @ Insider and Clearly, who posted:

        ” He’s still in this relationship and honesty is not something I see him utilizing anytime soon. … He’ll either find the courage to speak up about his usage of this site over the years.Or he won’t.If he did? It would be such a…..a….. Lookin for right word…Relief. It would squash so much stupid emotional yuck.I’ve tried and he’s denied.”

        Your comments are reminiscent of G. Orwell’s “1984”.
        Why does he need to speak up? Do you believe in freedom of thought? Do you consider it a crime to write creatively, a misdemeanor to express yourself ? Maybe a possessive and controlling personality iS the reason a thought and otherwise shackled husband seeks to somehow release his unhappiness by freely expressing his true feelings emotions dreams and hopes on the last place he is able to do so, under the protective cover of an anonymous on-line website. This has nothing to do with, as you call it, ‘lack of courage’ , essentially adding insult to injury. What else is the husband to do when the wife created a quasi fascist household atmosphere in which he , and most likely all other occupants under the roof, aren’t permitted do so in actual life.

        Life under the strict watch of an *internet stalking* thought police inspector must be beyond sad and depressing.

        • Insider&clearly
          June 25, 2018 at 5:18 pm

          He’s not supposed to cheat on said wife and stay with her whilst madly in love with another.
          He’s not supposed to do THAT.
          I don’t know what he should though.

          That’s your life. Just so ya know…it affects more than you…

          -not your wife and definitely not thought police. We simply share different parts to the same exact storyline because life is THAT coincidental.

          Life is not sad or depressing. However, sure, I’m a little bored as I check out this site right now.

          • thoughts
            June 29, 2018 at 11:40 am

            How DO you know that the author is cheating and madly in love with another? WHERE in the letter does the husband say THAT? Do you have this ‘insider’ information because you are his wife? Just curious.

    10. your 10 cents
      June 22, 2018 at 1:20 pm

      Obviously, you never have had the life experience of meeting your *reciprocal* soul mate or mutual love of each other’s life.

      Only now do I realize, and understand, that this is NOT something everybody gets given as a life experience.

      Like true love, you can’t *look* for it,

      Like a soul connection, you can’t *create* it.

      It’s something that *happens* to you.

      And it never fades aways …

      The connection you have in this is unlike anything I have ever felt , it’s that overpowering, a force so potent that it’s an upside you are not right next to each other.

      It’s rare unique and special, so it’s not your fault for failing to understand how this can be.

      Until this life changing experience happened to me, just like you, I too would have dismissed it as stupid and not possible.

    11. For crying out loud
      July 10, 2018 at 11:44 pm

      “So, as I wait for the last component of my exit strategy to fall into place, I will continue to love you as best I can in all of the ways that feel honest” and “I’m sorry you got stuck here. Seriously? You are the one keeping here there. She doesn’t even know that this is how you feel cause you don’t have the balls to tell her, yet you post it on a anonymous site Instead. Set her free!!!
      Set her free!!!
      Set her free!!!

    12. End it , don't mend it ?!
      July 19, 2018 at 4:43 am

      “Mend it, don’t end it” has long been the conservative mantra governing many a struggling marriage. But now, the research we’ve long needed to shoot a cupid’s arrow through the stultifying notion that any marriage is better than none is here.
      A long-term study of 373 married couples conducted by the universities of Nevada and Michigan has confirmed what the emotionally astute among us have always suspected: that constant strife does not lead to a happy life – and that sisyphean arguments about core issues such as children, money, in-laws and leisure activities all negatively activate the release of stress hormones, cause inflammation in the body and changes in appetite regulation, and compromise the functioning of the immune system.Of course, this doesn’t immediately overturn a body of evidence that suggests marriage can have demonstrable benefits for both straight and LGBT couples alike – as Rosie Shrout, who presented the evidence at the International Association for Relationship Research conference, has herself said. But marriage’s benefits aren’t automatically conferred on couples by the mere act of walking up the aisle – “it’s what spouses do for each other throughout the marriage” that counts.
      For decades, research showing that most marriage was better than no marriage – particularly for men – has been heavily promoted by rightwing campaign groups such as Marriage Foundation. They have argued that keeping a ring on it contributes to better economic health and personal welfare, and that unmarried couples with children – one fifth of parent/child households – are responsible for more than half of all family breakdowns, which brings its own social malaise.
      But their “mend it, don’t end it” mantra has rarely offered the appropriately detailed strategy needed to keep a long-term relationship going, especially when it comes to managing attachment styles, conflict over core values, issues around fertility and sex, and the ultimate passion-killer, money – or the lack of it. Instead “facts” such as “children are more likely to have a smartphone than a father” and that “children – especially boys – need father figures”, or “only 9% of couples who break up have a high-conflict relationship – ie arguing a lot” have formed the bedrock of their high-minded advice.
      It’s time to overhaul this Victorian allegiance to marriage at whatever the cost. It’s a known fact among therapists that couples that are conflict-avoidant are just as likely as, if not more likely than, those that regularly fight to face relationship difficulties. In the case of abuse, neglect or serial infidelity, it seems many people don’t walk away soon enough. According to the Office of National Statistics, one woman in four experiences domestic abuse in her lifetime and in England and Wales two women are killed each week by a current or former partner, while women in their 60s are only around half as likely to seek a divorce as men because of financial worries, even when they are deeply unhappy. From a personal perspective, as a child witness to several parental divorces, I’ve always found deeply patronising the notion that people “walk away too soon” from failing relationships and damage their kids in the process. Trust me, I was never happier than when my parents were out of their multiple acrimonious marriages. And far from putting me off, if anything it’s made me more determined to have a good go myself. It’s also made me acutely aware that a marriage at whatever cost is simply not worth it – and that life after a bad marriage can be brilliant.
      Having written a book on the history of relationships that charts how rights for women and LGBT individuals, and greater emotional literacy, have improved this once patriarchal institution, I appreciate that it’s true that some “failed” relationships could, and can, be fixed with professional help, funds permitting. But calling time on a relationship where boundaries are being regularly transgressed or where one party simply isn’t in love with the other would be, in the eyes of many a therapist, a successful negotiation out of the amorous “contract”. We don’t need to keep people married any more than we need to keep them in work they hate – and it’s vitally liberating to both public health and personal freedom that we let people divorce at will. Far from worrying about “the marriage crisis”, we should welcome scientific evidence that a bad marriage can be as physically damaging as too much drinking or chronic work stress, and take the opportunity to really re-evaluate what we mean by relationship health. Strong personal boundaries, clear, honest communication, and a union in which both parties feel able to be heard and respected for their differences form the bedrock of the kind of relationship that helps people – and society – thrive. Whatever the legal status of your partnership, it’s time for us to let go of the notion that “mend it, don’t end it” must prevail.

      Hmmmm …

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