I have not the heart to tell you that I settled for you. I’ve always known this, and for years I had myself convinced that I could be married to a friend, because that’s what we are—friends. But now you want me to *want* you. I can’t. I just can’t.
Perhaps this would all be easier for you if I was actually mistreating you in any way. I could yell and call you some names and stomp around the house when you don’t bother to vacuum or do the dishes. This sort of pettiness is easier to handle than the real, fundamental problem that keeps us both lonely in this relationship. We don’t really connect. Not in the way that counts. Yet you appear to be too consumed with the idea that I can be your primary source of happiness in life to realize it.
This is all my fault. The truth is that by the time we met I was so worn from years of loneliness, trying out different women and abandoning them like half-completed projects on a workbench in the garage when it was clear that I felt no spark of recognition in them, that I thought it was just time to be loved. And you are so good at this. In that superficial, physical way that frequently substitutes itself for a soul connection that relationship “experts” claim can be created or reclaimed with the correct behaviors (and which so many of us know is bullshit), you can do this for a person who is receptive to it. I am not. Not anymore. I’ve tried to tell you this but you aren’t listening.
So, as I wait for the last component of my exit strategy to fall into place, I will continue to love you as best I can in all of the ways that feel honest. No, I’m probably not going to touch you—this is not honest of me. But I will care for you. I will continue to pleasantly interact, make you laugh, and release you of any of the silly expectations we tend to create for our partners so that you won’t have to do those things and wonder why you are even bothering. And I will try to soften my approach when I use the important moments that arise between us to help you understand the following things—
1) It is impossible to love someone who does not love their own self.
2) Therapeutic behaviors in a relationship does not a connection make.
3) You deserve to be loved by someone who organically wants you.
I have little doubt that there exists some probable universe wherein I continued to self-medicate and we still happily half-ass our relationships with each other and other people. I’m sorry that you got stuck here, but I do hold a silent hope that because this is where you live, with sober me who values clarity above safety, you’ll see that you are destined for better things. I do love you and I want you to be happy all by yourself. I want you to start using your whole ass.