• I’d like you to use your whole ass.

    by  • July 4, 2017 • Marriage • 14 Comments

    I have not the heart to tell you that I settled for you. I’ve always known this, and for years I had myself convinced that I could be married to a friend, because that’s what we are—friends. But now you want me to *want* you. I can’t. I just can’t.

    Perhaps this would all be easier for you if I was actually mistreating you in any way. I could yell and call you some names and stomp around the house when you don’t bother to vacuum or do the dishes. This sort of pettiness is easier to handle than the real, fundamental problem that keeps us both lonely in this relationship. We don’t really connect. Not in the way that counts. Yet you appear to be too consumed with the idea that I can be your primary source of happiness in life to realize it.

    This is all my fault. The truth is that by the time we met I was so worn from years of loneliness, trying out different women and abandoning them like half-completed projects on a workbench in the garage when it was clear that I felt no spark of recognition in them, that I thought it was just time to be loved. And you are so good at this. In that superficial, physical way that frequently substitutes itself for a soul connection that relationship “experts” claim can be created or reclaimed with the correct behaviors (and which so many of us know is bullshit), you can do this for a person who is receptive to it. I am not. Not anymore. I’ve tried to tell you this but you aren’t listening.

    So, as I wait for the last component of my exit strategy to fall into place, I will continue to love you as best I can in all of the ways that feel honest. No, I’m probably not going to touch you—this is not honest of me. But I will care for you. I will continue to pleasantly interact, make you laugh, and release you of any of the silly expectations we tend to create for our partners so that you won’t have to do those things and wonder why you are even bothering. And I will try to soften my approach when I use the important moments that arise between us to help you understand the following things—

    1) It is impossible to love someone who does not love their own self.
    2) Therapeutic behaviors in a relationship does not a connection make.
    3) You deserve to be loved by someone who organically wants you.

    I have little doubt that there exists some probable universe wherein I continued to self-medicate and we still happily half-ass our relationships with each other and other people. I’m sorry that you got stuck here, but I do hold a silent hope that because this is where you live, with sober me who values clarity above safety, you’ll see that you are destined for better things. I do love you and I want you to be happy all by yourself. I want you to start using your whole ass.

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    14 Responses to I’d like you to use your whole ass.

    1. Thank you
      July 6, 2017 at 9:04 am

      I know it’s not about me.
      I’m so happy for you.


      • What if ?
        May 16, 2018 at 11:58 pm

        It is about you? I Letter describes your very average unhappy relationship. Lots of them I know, sad life for all.


    2. To the jerk who wrote...
      July 6, 2017 at 9:06 am

      This kind of letters creep me out. Just be f*cking honest with her! Preparing to leave without telling her. She might love you with half of her ass, it’s easy to see you are a complete asshole! And a narcissist for sure, leave her soon! She is better off without you! The rest of the world would be too if you ask me!


      • The jerk who wrote this
        July 6, 2017 at 1:27 pm

        You’re filling in a lot of blanks there. Beware that knee-jerk intuition. So frequently does it lead us to wreck ourselves before we check ourselves.


    3. To the jerk who wrote this comment
      July 6, 2017 at 5:38 pm

      Dude sounds pretty kind to me.
      I’m sorry for referring to you as a jerk in the Name section. I am not one to know if you are or aren’t. I feel really bad about it. Sorry.


    4. Hummm
      July 12, 2017 at 1:57 am

      This is some bullshit! You married someone you weren’t in love with or attached too? Now you realize it’s not gonna work!? Well, go figure. My god what is wrong with people! I’m sure she’ll be real happy you wasted her life and time with your selfishness and self pity. Get a grip and know kindly stay out of the dating pool. Knowing narcissistic behavior like your does need therapy.


      • Hey, look.
        July 16, 2017 at 12:51 am

        I get that for you this story fits the paradigm of a Lifetime movie but as with every letter that appears on this website there is an actual, complicated mess of personal history that your anonymous perspective wouldn’t be able to extract from this content alone. I hope no anonymous voices who would actually take offense to your unattractive words run into you here.


    5. Lacy G.
      May 13, 2018 at 1:27 pm

      I could have written this. Go find your happy, dude.


      • I agree with Lacy G
        May 15, 2018 at 5:50 pm

        Just do it.


    6. courageously open letter
      May 16, 2018 at 10:56 am

      To be so brutally honest with oneself, as the author is in this confessional letter , that takes strength. I admire honesty.

      How is the author?


    7. Imagining
      May 17, 2018 at 11:04 am

      If you are really close great friends, sharing same interests, on the same wave length, intellectually well matched with amazing conversations, inspiring thought exchanges, I say this could be great marriage.


      • Wondering
        May 17, 2018 at 8:25 pm

        I don’t think it works like this. Friendship in relationship is great, but it needs to be more than that. Besides, man don’t choose or use intellect when falling in love. They just do.
        I just feel sad for the author that from the beginning he was deceiving himself and then to be his life partner. No wonder that woman feels insecure about herself, she probably never felt loved by him. And, of course that make me even feel sadder for the woman.
        Makes me wonder if this union is even valid? ( I don’t mean by law)


    8. Been there
      May 17, 2018 at 11:30 pm

      done that. About fifteen long years, none of which I regret since I know myself better now than most.
      An exit and a new beginning after, may not always be easy but well worth it.
      I for one don’t even want to imagine spending the remaining years of my life just in a settled blah and rather enjoy who I trully am and with whom I want – even if that is not in conformity with other mindsets,

      Best wishes to you and remember we have one life to live in the now. Tomorrow is not granted for anyone.


    9. Today's Most Read Ass
      May 18, 2018 at 12:45 pm




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