I love you to pieces. I love you when you laugh, when you cry, when you’re on the verge of hysteria and you’re calling me at 2am to feel normal again. I’m not sure if the word “care” fits anymore. It started as care but things changed so fast the more I got to know you. The more flaws i saw, the more i loved you. I loved you to pieces. Sometimes I think I think I still do.
I hate you. I hate the way you twist my heart and squeeze it so tight I can’t breathe anymore. You take my breath away, differently than all the movies portray it. You make me feel so weak, up at 12am watching for you, any sign that you might love me the same. I hate the way you tell me I’m important to you. I hate the way you say you need me, because for that moment, I blindly believe it. Every. Fucking. Time. If you love me, you would know what to do.
That’s not true. I love you, but I hate myself.
I hate the way I fell in love with something that I knew was never mine. I hate the way I actually thought I could erase 2 years of pain from your mind because still, even after all this time you still love her. You blindly follow her, then despair about no one caring for you. Remember when you would tell me all your wishes, and I would agree and add things that you forgot, because I understand you? Remember when we’d both fall silent, laying down simply listening to the beautiful quiet around us? I would imagine those wishes, counting on my fingers the number of them that I could make come true. There wasn’t one thing I wouldn’t do for you. Is this considered obsession now? Writing about you on an obscure website with pain in my heart and tears in my eyes, I can’t say I ever imagined I’d be one of those people.
Well, the truth is, everything about you guys hurts me. Every time you mention her name I feel myself sinking, because I think I always knew that you would never be mine. And it hurts because I know I’ll always be right here, smiling for you and hoping maybe you’d smile too. I keep telling myself all I want is for you to be happy, so why am I so sad when you smile at her? I love you to pieces; I hate you more than anything.