I used to dream about him randomly from time to time, but the thoughts that were supposed to buried for eternity resurfaced and know I cannot get him off of my mind. My son. He never breathed a breath of air, he did not even have a gender or a body. I let him down, I let him die. I swear I wanted him, but somehow I killed him. It was my stress level, or my hormones, or maybe the drugs and alcohol I consumed. He never got a chance and it was my fault. I made bad choices and then killed a human being. I do not know how I know it is him. An 8 yr. old blonde and spunky child with bright green eyes. I hear his laugh and how he says, “mommy, I love you”. Ever since the reestablishment of the issue, I see him in my dreams. I spend a wonderful dream day with him at the park, in the swimming pool, getting ice cream, laughing when I tuck him in bed. I get so attached. My son, my baby, my love. And then I wake up, and he is no more until the next evening. Being separated from what I love, night after night. Lately, the game has been stepped up. I see him in those around me. I work all day around kids and I keep seeing him and he says “mommy, why can’t you see me?” Then I realize that I am day dreaming and it is not him. I didn’t know a gender or anything…not even a heartbeat, but the guilt remains. The guilt and then the pain.