• I’ve Never Forgotten

    by  • June 25, 2017 • * Safe for Work *, Thoughts • 2 Comments

    I used to dream about him randomly from time to time, but the thoughts that were supposed to buried for eternity resurfaced and know I cannot get him off of my mind. My son. He never breathed a breath of air, he did not even have a gender or a body. I let him down, I let him die. I swear I wanted him, but somehow I killed him. It was my stress level, or my hormones, or maybe the drugs and alcohol I consumed. He never got a chance and it was my fault. I made bad choices and then killed a human being. I do not know how I know it is him. An 8 yr. old blonde and spunky child with bright green eyes. I hear his laugh and how he says, “mommy, I love you”. Ever since the reestablishment of the issue, I see him in my dreams. I spend a wonderful dream day with him at the park, in the swimming pool, getting ice cream, laughing when I tuck him in bed. I get so attached. My son, my baby, my love. And then I wake up, and he is no more until the next evening. Being separated from what I love, night after night. Lately, the game has been stepped up. I see him in those around me. I work all day around kids and I keep seeing him and he says “mommy, why can’t you see me?” Then I realize that I am day dreaming and it is not him. I didn’t know a gender or anything…not even a heartbeat, but the guilt remains. The guilt and then the pain.

    2 Responses to I’ve Never Forgotten

    1. A fellow travelers wish
      June 26, 2017 at 8:48 am

      Our first pregnancy ended with my wife screaming from the bathroom, a miscarriage. That was 25 years ago and I remember it as though it was yesterday. The subsequent pregnancy was tough but we just witnessed his university walk for his degree. It never leaves, blaming yourself solves nothing and if you open your vision, these dreams could be Gods way of telling you to forgive yourself. Your inner distress and pain is part of the healing process, it’s what makes us human. You will be an amazing mom, give yourself that chance. You are in my prayers.

      • Thank you
        July 1, 2017 at 6:50 pm

        Thank you for your kind comments. I was raped in college and drank copious amounts of alcohol and prescription drugs to cope. Then I found out that I was 5 weeks pregnant. I realized that I could step up and be a single mom shortly after. Then I got the news of miscarraige. Now I work with children every day and I do not take a single moment for granted.

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