I had convinced myself that after that one big heart break, I was never going to feel that kind of love again. I purposely kept clear of relationships so I would never have to feel that amount of pain again either. I was doing so well, that was until you came along. I don’t know what it was about you, but you made me feel like a teenage girl all over again. Every time my phone buzzed and your name lit up the screen, i’d jump. When you called, i’d have to calm myself down before answering just so you wouldn’t hear my heart beating out of my chest through the phone.
Month 3: We finally met. Face to face. This time I didn’t have a barrier to stop you from hearing my heart racing or to keep you from seeing how nervous you made me. You were right there. I would have given anything for this one day to last just a little bit longer. I didn’t want you to leave. Had I not had a stomach full of butterflies I probably would have grabbed you hand and asked you to stay.
Month 7: Things were deep now. I was meeting your family and friends and vice versa. You had become a highlight. And I was telling everyone about you. Things were so good. And that one night, sitting across the table from you, I caught your eye and it hit me – I had fallen in love with you. Completely and unintentionally. Somewhere along the line I had let my guard down, and fallen in love with you.
Month 10: Silence. Nothing. I would text you. No reply. Tried calling you. Voicemail. And just like that, you were gone. A ghost. And I was laying in bed all night, wide awake trying to figure out what it was I had done or said to make you just – disappear. I had become so exhausted that I eventually did fall asleep. Only at the time, I sometimes wish I hadn’t woken. Woken to see you had just posted photo’s of your weekend away with her. Confusion doesn’t even begin to describe. Had I just imagined that past 10 months?
Month 11: Every time my phone buzzed and the screen lit up i’d hoped it was you. It never was. I picked up my phone, typed you a message then put my phone down again – I never had the courage to send it. I didn’t want to think about you sitting on the other end reading it and the hitting delete. I wasn’t angry at you. I was angry at myself. I knew what love could do. I knew that letting my guard down was a huge risk. You were a risk I was willing to take. My heart on the other hand – probably shouldn’t have risked that. I feel like I had just mended that last tiny crack in it … Only to have it shattered again. Back at square one.
Month 14: “I’m sorry, I was scared.” 5 words. That’s it. That’s all it took for me to forgive you. You spent the next few days explaining to me why. You too had started to fall in love. You got scared. I believed every word. And we started over, right where we left off. Both of us knowing now how we felt about each other. Agreeing that we’d take it slow, take our time.
Month 18: Silence. Yet again. This time there was no pictures. No texts. No calls. Silence. This time I sent you a text. I waited the next 2 months for a reply. It never came.
Today (Month 22): I don’t know why and I probably never will. Even know i’m finding it hard to put the words together. I’m sorry Sunshine. I wanted to be enough, I did. More than anything. I wanted to be the one you were proud of. The one you wanted to light up your phone. The one that made you feel like a teenage boy. The one that would some day take your name.
But more than anything – I just want wanted you to love me back.