When it rains it pours, it was said.
Desperately trying to allow myself to breathe, instructing myself through relaxing. Breathe in, breathe out. Relax. You are safe. You are okay. You need to rest.
The dreams that remind me of everything. The things they have to say, I can’t argue with them. I am grabbed by my hair, and thrown to the ground. Voices yelling to me that I need to see. My eyes held open and my head turned to look at everything I turn away from. Flashes of the very worst and the very best, the best being ripped apart and placed around me. Like a mockery of flower petals, this isn’t beautiful. This isn’t for growth. This is torture.
And there it is again. After a night of what felt like a battle. The pounding on the door shaking me from contentment. Bringing me right back to every moment. To every day. To every voice. To her voice inviting them in like they were friends. Offering them refreshments as they beat their way into my safety, pulling my skin from my arms and wearing it around their necks like medals as I tried to fight.
But this was a whole new scene. All while being the same emotionally exhausting part playing again. The one you have to pause and try and catch your breath. The one where you close your eyes and say thank god this isn’t real. But in this, this is the real life.
You wonder how. How the laws of the realm could allow this. How could this be an ongoing thing. Who’s going to stop this? Where are they to step up? There is a terrible imbalance going on. And it needs to be put to an end.
Shaking in my place of safety, as it then becomes polluted with the air of the destruction. That doesn’t leave easily. It piles up as another thing you have to fight. But not even having time to deal with what came before it. The next blow coming way too fast.
It’s not that you don’t expect it. This just isn’t the kind of events you can prepare for.
Brought back to square one, but even lower down. How does one ever get out of this now?
Where did my home go? Where is the love that once existed? When did I become the child of chaos itself and nothing more? Just here as the target.
I never wanted this. I thought I wanted to save you. But you can self destruct all you want. You’re sending bombs here, you’re taking yourself out with it. And for what? What belief justifies this? Give it up.
But even then, I’ll still destroy you. Before you even have the chance to do it yourself.
And I’ll do it by succeeding. I’ll do it by living, not being afraid of anything. As you sit back alone, reaping the repercussions of the war you caused. Deteriorating into nothing but the dust, resembling everything you burnt down. But next to that will be me. The imperium.
With no regrets of allowing you to burn.