I hope you’re doing good and a Happy Fathers Day to you.
I’ve had a few tumultuous days. I’ve been thinking about you (too much) and wonder what you’re doing/ if you ever think of me. Anyway, here are the main conclusions I’ve reached:
I think I’m over you (for good, yay) I guess what I’m struggling with is what to think when I think about you. I loved you a lot, a lot, a lot—more than I had ever loved a human being before. You made me happy—you were the only one who made me happy. And I wanted to do everything in my power to make you happy. To everyone else, it seemed like the project was my life and i cared about it way too much– but it was always you. I wanted to do a great job for/ because of you. I don’t ever want to forget that or think that those months and those emotions didn’t happen. But the catch is- now that I don’t feel those emotions anymore (which is actually great) but I’m still clinging on to the past/ the memories/ how much I wanted you.
I miss you, a lot: you were the only person I had regular/proper conversations with—about things I was excited about—I really miss talking to you. For better or for worse (and for reasons you had nothing to do with) I grew really attached to you. I don’t know if its your personality type or the fact that you are really nice, you genuinely cared about me — which very few did. We never said goodbye and I wonder if it was just because you thought it would be awkward, or if it would have hurt you or if you really thought we would/ wanted to meet again. But being away from you has really hurt me. I have often looked at your picture and looked in your eyes. I’ve felt the thrill of joy I first did, then pain, sometimes anger but eventually a numbness. But through it all, I miss you as a friend.
I want to say sorry to the times I made you feel uncomfortable. But at the last meeting, I swear I was distracted by the cut near your lip, I wasn’t wanting to kiss you, although it might’ve seemed like it. I promise I kept my head straight that day.
However, I know you liked me a teeny tiny bit at one point, so I have a request. Even if I never see you again, even if we never talk again—please, please don’t forget me. Please don’t forget/dismiss whatever you felt toward me, no matter how brief it was. Even though it would’ve been wrong and it wouldn’t have worked out anyway even if you felt anything stronger—but please, I hope you accept it as the truth.
Finally, you were a very special person in my life– both personally and professionally. I’ll never understand what happened/ why did it have to happen. But I will always care about you. May God bless you and hold you and your family, always.