• No father for Father’s day

    by  • June 18, 2017 • * Safe for Work *, Parents • 0 Comments

    The title is no father on fathers day, but that’s a lie. I have a father, or had at least. You didn’t die, you didn’t move to a different state, you just stopped being my dad. You were never perfect, you had your own personal demons you had to deal with, and I tried to use that as your excuse. It seemed like as a child I was in love with the idea if having you as my dad that I overlooked your lies and bullshit. I wanted you so desperately. I have a step father, he took your place in raising me but it was never right, we never had a “daddy-daughter” relationship, it never filled the void that you left behind. You tried to be a good father at first, and from what I hear you did okay, but you remarried, and started a new family when I was to young to even know what was about to happen. You pushed me aside. Your new family obviously needed you more, they deserved you more I guess. I just have to keep explaining to myself over and over and over again that it’s not my fault, that everything happened for a reason. That you lived thirty minutes from me but never had time to come say hi. That’s just so hard to do when you have a step daughter just a few years older than me, and you managed to stay in her life. You managed to be at all of her birthday parties, to go to all of her softball games. Why was I not good enough? What did I do wrong? You tried to keep a bullshit lie going that you miss me and that I’m always your baby girl, but you never delivered. I didn’t want money, or things, I wanted my father. I wanted my protector, my rock, the man that’s supposed to show me what a real man is and teach me how to fish and change a tire. I wanted a dad. I got your eyes, your smile, your hair and your laugh but I never got your love. When I finally got old enough to realize you where never going to change, and that I would never actually be apart of your life you just stopped trying. It was to awkward. You don’t even know who I am. Father’s day never gets easier, I see all these happy families celebrating their fathers, and I’m jealous beyond belief. I cry and I pout and I self pitty but the truth is I did just fine with out you. I am doing great, I am living my life not free of vice, but pretty damn well. I am in college and I am a self supporting adult who loves life and I, for the most part, am happy. So thank you, for breaking me, for making me realize that I don’t “need” anyone, for showing me that sometimes at no fault of my own fucked up shit happens. Thank you for being a no good shitty father, one day I will stop being angry at you, one day I will let it all go, but not today. Not on fathers day.

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