Falling asleep, pleading with my mind to take me elsewhere
I would say you’re always on my mind, but you’re in it. You own it. You are it.
The last time I saw you, the anniversary today
My head so clouded with the drugs they gave me, but it still being clear in what it needed
So I came into where I was not welcome, wearing the sky’s energy
I wasn’t my usual red aura that day. I was blue. Soft. The sky falling apart at your feet where you were praying.
The feelings of it still run through me. And if I could crush it up and inject it into my veins, I would. It would kill me. But I would love to die feeling that way.
I needed to not have this in my head. Closing my eyes, wanting black out sleep. But the realm of the spiritual had other ideas. Things it wanted to bring me to. Scenarios of exactly what happened. But so strongly that I was so deep under, so bad that I could not even feel that it was a nightmare. It was but it wasn’t. The nightmare is what I crave, but what sets me ablaze. The smoke coating the walls of my room and charring my pillows.
Walking into where we all used to go, me crying. My dark eye makeup I used to wear running down my cheeks. You standing talking to someone. You seeing me. Saying my name and following me inside. Sitting at a booth.
Me motioning if I could hug you, because this was after all of this time, I wanted you so much but was unsure if you would accept it. You wrapping your arms around me as I just kept trying to pull you closer, just my natural reaction. My eyes stinging with tears and my hands not being able to feel you enough. My senses flooded with the feeling of you, the smell of your skin, my body fading into yours. You then telling me softly, “don’t touch me like that.” Me releasing and feeling bad. You quickly saying, “only because someone is watching.”
Which is exactly what happened a year ago in so many ways. It raining and me trying to say in so many words that I loved you. You saying in so many words that you knew I did. Me asking you to go somewhere more private. You saying someone was watching.
I didn’t know that would be the last time I saw you. I’m trying to move forward, but you’re making that incredibly difficult. I still feel your presence. I want to see you somewhere. I want to see you again. I need your reaction to seeing me. Good or bad. I need it. Preferably bad so I can let go. So I can feel the pain, all of it that I have locked away, so I can accept the truth and allow myself to hurt.
The way today went. The storms. The heavy rainfall. Like it was responding to the energy of this day.
I shed more of you everyday. But setbacks like this bring me back to face you.
Incredibly upset to have seen you, but could not be more euphoric. The best dreams in the form of nightmares. Pleasurably painful. As it always was.