I’ve been feeling blue.
Like the ocean. The different colors it so stunningly always owns. Clear. Murky. Blue. All of it. In every form you never say it isn’t beautiful. It responds to nature. It holds it’s own strength, it’s power, it’s need to stay soft but yet will take you under within a moment’s notice.
I am the essence. I have tried to stay soft. I am gentle natured. I have always been told that. But yet I’ve been told I carry the weight of the world on my shoulders. And so does the ocean. It has to. It carries the pain of this earth. It carries death, pain, heartache, contentment. The strongest of storms. But it fights to stay in it’s welcoming state. When it welcomes everyone to it, as a place for rest.
I don’t want to be the disastrous waters that cannot be a place of peace. Underneath there is a war. The deeper you go the more you see. But you won’t make it to the bottom. There is too much. You will lose your sense of sight. Your oxygen. So stay at my surface, where I can comfort you with the waves. You can come in, let me wrap myself around you. But don’t go under. I can’t allow that.
I can’t watch the stars fall from your eyes as you’re brought into my world of chaos. Because once you enter, you’re under, and you can’t ever go. It becomes you. You become me, and you feel my pain. I have caused enough tsunamis in the heads of those I love. I remember the sea sickness I caused. That stayed with you for so long.
But you recently returned, because you’ve healed. You’re still apart of it all which stays in my head. I can’t let you get any deeper. I want you with me. I want to be able to express my pain. I want to scream at those on land, the truths of what goes on in the depths.
But no matter how much pain I feel, I would never bring anyone to my level. To fill someone I love with the polluted water, never.
I have been feeling all of it for so long. And the sky promises me it will soon be clear. I’m starting to not believe it. I’m not sure who I believe. Everything is so uncertain.
I want to retreat. To stay away. To throw myself under for awhile and not surface until I fix everything. But I can’t singlehandedly stop this battle. Because I am the target.
I am the ocean. I feel it all. I have to fight it all.
So to say I’ve been feeling blue, is correct but too lightly spoken.
This is the ocean speaking, softly, even in the midst of these cyclones.