Look, I can’t actually express this (with good reason). Nevertheless, I must get all of this out. I must express myself somehow, even if it is anonymously. And so, forgetting about any and everyone’s judgement of me, here I go.
You suck. I love you. And I guess that is the basis of this letter. Wait. Let me explain.
I was content within my life. I may not have been entirely happy, but I persevered daily. I was living, trudging through. Then you… with one passing glance, my world flipped upside down and I began to change my views of the world and my life.
Over time, we became friends. You understood me like no one else. I felt like you actually listened when I spoke. I felt so… maybe that is it. I simply felt, and realized that I had been numb for so long. But you, you were the only thing that could make me feel anything anymore. Forgive me, but I may have become addicted to it. I fell. God help me. I took down that wall. That wall that I had put up for protection. I removed every layer for you. I let you in. I was honest. At least to the best of my ability and as best I could be without compromising my integrity.
Since meeting you, I have been at war with myself. My head vs my heart. My head has always won. And men like you have never touched my heart. But I let you. Maybe I just hoped that someone capable of loving so deeply and so purely could love me AND make me feel it. Judging by your reputation and behavior and words towards me, you are only in lust. (And perhaps only because you know of my affections for you).
You are temptation. You are the snake in my Adam and Eve story. The devil. My demon. My dirty little secret. A test.
Aren’t you? I mean, there is no way… nope. None. You play too many games.
But I can’t deny that you are my inspiration to do better, to be better. I can’t deny that I am ecstatically at peace in your presence. I can’t deny that you take my breath away and that it hurts when you push me away. I can’t deny how easily things flow between us. I can’t deny that I care for you. I can’t deny that it hurts to long for you eternally.
On one side of the fence, I have a family and responsibilities. I have mouths who depend on me and integrity to uphold, and a man who says he loves me. (Even though I don’t feel or see it.) On the other, there is you. A gamble. A chance. And you don’t even love me. So, why is this even a question?
I see your potential. You are a king. You really are, but you aren’t my king. It doesn’t matter how badly I had hoped you were. You aren’t. Maybe I am just not good enough to be your queen. You are a lesson I have to learn, I guess. What to search for in another time, another life. (If you believe in that sort of thing.)
Forgive me for the length. I’ve just always been better at expressing myself through writing.
Even though I must let go, I will always love you and I thank you for your strong and beautiful impact on my life.