You are probably wondering why I have chosen now to type what I am about to say. Well, I guess I just needed a bit of closure for myself. It is also killing me not to be able to tell you how I feel. I have been carrying these feelings around for some time now (since we last saw each other), and I kept hoping they would dissipate. Sadly, they have not. It’s funny ….people always describe grief in stages. The word “stages” is so misleading. Stages seem to indicate that one goes neatly from one to the next. That is not the case (at least not with me). While I know now that I should have saw it coming. I must say I was completely shocked and in disbelief. In the days and weeks following the last time we saw each other, I completely went numb. I couldn’t/wouldn’t allow myself to believe that this time it was truly over. Hearing you say that it was over and how it was unlike any other time that we broke up felt like a punch to the solar plexus. The feeling of an unimaginable void in my heart and world was almost too much to bear. The amount of despair was often paralyzing.
Obviously, the days and months that followed were mostly spent reviewing. The non-stop 24/7 perpetual movie (of us) from November 10, 2012 leading to that day in August. Oh, how I have played that day in August over and over. My mind was consumed with all the moments that we shared (good and bad). However, I told myself (on so many occasions) that this constant torture of reminiscing was maddening and needed to stop, but I also thought it was a necessary process. Our movie needed to be played (in my head) in an effort to sift through the ruins. To cry about the good times, get angry about the bad times and acknowledge where it all went wrong. I have been on both sides of a break-up, but never has any failed relationship even begun to come close to the level of loss, regret and overwhelming sadness that ours did. This is not to say that I have no accepted the outcome of our relationship. However, the heartache does not end at acceptance.
To this day, when I close my eyes at night, I can feel your arm around me, your breath on my neck, and I can hear your voice whispering “I love you.” I can’t even count how many times I have sat across from my gf having dinner and my mind goes to you. Everything reminds me of you. No matter what I am doing, my mind always drifts to you. I recently went out to dinner (to a place that you and I have frequented). We were seated directly next to the table that we last sat at. As I sat across from the woman who loves me completely and wants to marry me (faults and all) lol my mind went were it always goes….right back to you. I remembered what you ordered, what you drank, what you were wearing. I remembered more often than not, just how difficult it was to sit across from you without touching you ever moment. When I would look into your eyes and you would smile…..you melted me. It was always a challenge to sit across from you in public and not kiss you.
I truly loved you. You were the only woman that I could sit in silence with for hours and not be bored. Every moment that I spent just looking into your eyes, holding your hand and kissing those beautiful lips is a memory that I will hold forever. I still remember how I felt when you would lock arms with me, as we walked into a store or down the street. That feeling has never been (nor do I suspect will be ) duplicated. Making love to you was the most incredible feeling I have ever felt. The closeness, passion and level of trust was never anything I took lightly. I know you stated that you don’t allow yourself to picture images of that nature with me and anyone else, but I don’t know how NOT to. How do I realistically know you are in a relationship, but deny what realistically happens in relationships? Believe me, the last thing that I want to do is conjure up those images, but as emotionally/mentally torturous as those images are, I can’t help but wonder if she touches you with the same passion and love that I did. Your body was one of the most beautiful bodies that I have ever had the pleasure to make love to.
I am so confused by the amount of feelings that I still hold for you. Sometimes I pray that it will STOP, just so the pain will finally subside. But then I can’t help but be intoxicated by the thought of you thinking about me too. Whenever I receive a text from you, my body as such a physical reaction to even seeing your name come up on my phone. My heart beats fast, a smile immediately appears on my face, and my mind races even before I tap onto your name to read the text. Do you know how many times I have had to fight the urge to tell you that I love you? That I have always loved you. That I will never STOP loving you. That I think of you so often it scares me. That I miss you more than I could have even imagined. That I walk into places that were once “our place,” and I literarily scan the room looking for you. Wanting so desperately to see you again, but knowing that if I do it would crush me.
Wishing that I were that person what you are sitting across from to be me. The void left in my heart will never be filled. I lay awake at night softly saying your name. Wondering if you are thinking of me? I have replayed our close/intimate moments with tears streaming down my face. I lay there sobbing for hours trying to picture the last time we made love. Feeling like such a fool for not knowing that that was going to be the last time. I try and remember the last time I kissed you. Did I kiss you with the passion and love that I have always had for you? Did I convey the love that I had for you with the last time I hugged you? I find myself wishing I had that last time back. However, truth be told….had I known…I may not have ever let go.
We talk about those “gates.” And that we hope to find the answers to all of the Why’s in life. But as I am sitting here typing this letter to you, I have come to realize that it doesn’t matter why or what the reason is that we are not together. All that matters is that I had one life to live and I spent the first 37 years searching for the love of my life, followed by the next 3 and a half years having the love of my life, and now I have the rest of my life (however many years I have left) missing, wondering, aching, fantasizing, wishing that I had just one more day with YOU. God, what I wouldn’t give to open my door and see you standing there again. Or hearing my phone ring and it being you on the other end. We may never had married each other the way we once pictured, but for me, I still picture us on that beach.
Okay, so I am going to end here. I dare not even re-read this letter (even for grammatical errors etc.) for fear that I will delete it and not have the guts to post. I hope and pray that if you read this… that you keep this between us? You have no idea how hard it was sitting down and trying to get the words out (as best as I could) through the tears. I promise to never write again my feelings or to ever bring this letter up to anyone. I am hoping and praying that you find it within you to keep this between us. I just needed you to know that I still love you. I always have and I always will. You have my heart!
Truly, madly, deeply –