First, I am angry. Actually, let me rephrase that.
Secondly, I am angry. First, I am hurt. So beyond hurt. And you tell me that you know how much you hurt me, that you understand the damage you’ve done, but I often wonder if that’s true. Because you sure as hell don’t act like it. And this hurt, and your seeming unwillingness to actually make things right with me, ultimately make me angry.
Yes, I decided to stay with you. Give you another chance. And, we have Emma now and that makes everything so different. But you seriously act as if losing me and our life together is either not an option somehow or at least not a priority. And that makes me so angry. Because yes, I decided to stay. But that is a decision I think about every day, and question all the time, and fuck you if you think you can’t lose me. Because if things don’t change I don’t really think there’s enough anymore for me to stay.
You act as if you’ve paid your dues and I need to just move on and act like everything is fine. You tell me you’re hurt now because you don’t feel like I love you anymore. You say it feels like you’re just a co-parent and not my husband. You say that you’ve been “doing everything”, being nice to me and being a good dad.
You want to know what I really think? I think that it doesn’t matter if you don’t feel loved, because the reason you feel that way is that you cheated on me. You hurt me so so much. And it’s like you don’t even fucking get it. You don’t feel loved right now? You don’t feel like a husband? Well guess what, that’s one of the consequences of the awful, heartbreaking decision you made to put our relationship last on your list of priorities that night. I think that being “nice” to me and being a “good dad” are NOT FUCKING ENOUGH. Jesus Christ, I would expect those things from you if you hadn’t cheated. Honestly, those seem like the bare minimum a husband can do. That’s seriously all you’re trying to do and you’re fucking surprised that I’m not over it, and haven’t forgiven you or trust you again? I’m sorry but that’s a fucking joke.
Some days I want to just leave because you obviously don’t get it and I feel like I deserve to be with someone who 1. Would never betray me like you have, and 2. Would actually try to make things right, and make amends, and fight for our relationship. And then I tell myself that I still envision a future with you, that we have a baby, that at some point you’ll actually do what you need to to make hinges right, and so I stay. But my patience is running thin. You seem to expect me to make fixing our relationship a priority even though you haven’t done the same. Sorry, but that doesn’t work for me. I’ve put in way more time and effort to get help for us than you have, and I’m worried you never will.
So, I am angry. Because you’ve hurt me and betrayed me and now act like I’m the one who’s in the wrong. And I seriously can’t take much more of this.