I love you… but not the way you want me to, not the way you love me. I’m pretty sure you sense that. It’s probably a major cause of your paranoid jealousy, maybe even more so than being betrayed in past relationships.
I love you as a friend. I thought that would be enough. I had certainly never felt more for anyone, and I was old enough to think that’s the most I would ever feel.
Maybe it still is enough – I don’t know. What I feel for J is probably not real. In a year, perhaps I’ll look back and wonder at myself, that I could have so much room in my thoughts and my heart for someone else.
The problem is that my doubts did not start with J. They’ve been there since the beginning. I made a choice, as logically as I could, based on the information I had available at the time. That choice was supposed to be irrevocable, to drive away the doubts, but it didn’t flip a switch in my brain or my heart – I continued being the same noncommittal, rather fickle and selfish person that I am.
When I look back at the last several years, the entire course of our relationship, there’s been no point at which I would have been distraught to see you go. I feel like I’ve been just waiting the entire time for something to happen, something significant enough for me to just walk away, but instead, our life together keeps gradually deteriorating. We each occasionally make efforts at fixing things between us, but mostly we’re just keeping busy and hoping things will get better with time.
I write things like this, and then think to myself, I’m overstating – it’s not that bad. We could still work this out. I’m not at my most rational right now, due in part to my infatuation with J. Now is not the time to make such a monumental decision.
But it may be the only time I’m willing to face the reality of our situation and consider whether there might be something better. All I can promise right now is that I won’t cheat and I won’t lie.