• I love

    by  • June 1, 2017 • * Safe for Work *, Yearning • 1 Comment

    All I feel is emptiness and sadness. I think you are the most perfect human being ever, yet I am nothing to you. I knew not to trust you, yet I let you into my heart and just as expected it, you are crushing it until every last piece is shattered. I have loved you for five years, I’m not sure why. Was it because you liked me first? Why can’t I stop thinking about you? We weren’t even together, which is embarrassing – a mere six months or so. Yet you have been a barrier for any experience I have had. I love you, yet I hate myself for it And I don’t even know what you were doing in all that time – you could have been off with other girls for all I know. I wish I could shake off the dull ache responding in my heart, beaten I am, I am like a rusty metal gong. Why can’t I let all the others love me. Why has Mum been let down twice. It’s not fair. Why are there so many homeless people? I feel so insignificant with any help I can give them. I hate going out in public because it reminds me of the cruel world. I am scared of failure. Of rejection. Am I just the same as everyone else? We are ALL fish swimming in the same fish bowl – there is no two. Only unity. How morbidly demoralizing. We are all the same. Everyone feels pain, numbs the pain, plasters on a smile, grits their teeth and moves on, whilst promptly ignoring others’ cries.
    I have so much love in my heart and I feel it all ultimately weighs down. Back to the metal gong again. Clang. Clang. Clang. When will this world set everyone free?
    Why can’t we all just love?
    I want to go back. I want to curl up in Dad’s arms and for him to read me a story. I want to go walking in the bluebell wood. I want to go for bike rides but this time without Dad shouting at Mum. I want to cry away all my sadness. I want to hug everyone so tight all their broken pieces fit together. I want to bring everyone back to their families because it’s not fair. God, please look after everyone on earth and also with you.
    I want to feel the sound of the ocean, whistling past my ears. Wave after wave. The salty sea water feels tingly on my tongue. The sharp gravel pulsates into the soles of my feet.
    I am, I am.

    One Response to I love

    1. @ author
      June 2, 2017 at 1:30 pm

      Let’s go walk the beach together at sunset. Would be a great place to get that long, tight hug and to talk a bit. It would at least be a start up of what friends we already are. I don’t expect anything from you. We don’t have to be more than what we want. We would go with the flow. I know the possibilities of you and me face to face again are slim to none, but if we were to reunite what better place than the beach at sunset? We would sit for hours maybe not even saying any words. Remember we were like that. Could be in the same place together alone just enjoying the company and no pressures of conversation. I miss you. I’m no one to be afraid of. If anything you intimidate me a little. Your just to good to be true. I was raised their is no such thing. To me you are perfect, even when you think it’s a flaw. I just can’t say anything bad about you. I have nothing I could come up with. Not even the way you hide. That’s perfect aswell. I guess when the piece fits it fits.

      Love, Me

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