• Endless desire

    by  • May 21, 2017 • * Safe for Work *, To You • 27 Comments

    My hearts muse,

    Yes, I’ve said I was done countless times. I, as you must be, have grown tired of the ritual tap dance around the subject of unilateral want. I just ask if all I thought I heard was not heard, misread, or just flat made up in my mind. I thought I felt a return of my internal heat and heard words of a returned desire. Now I question my own ability to decipher what I lived. Was there anything there? It won’t change a thing in our worlds. I’m not going to suddenly appear in your life again, as much as I am sometimes drawn to. Maybe it is just some stupid misread on my part but the continual evasion has always haunted me. I would love to know your inner workings intimately, not in a sexual sense but in a best friend kind of way. The lengthy separation and absence of communication created a knowledge black hole for us both, possibly too deep to fill in this lifetime. The main question stands, what was I? Please be direct and don’t worry about hurting my feelings, I am without pride in this matter anymore. I’ve felt like a three ring idiot for too long and really need to hear cold hard facts.

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    27 Responses to Endless desire

    1. me
      May 22, 2017 at 5:33 am

      K-, You are not crazy, I felt the same. And just like you, i doubted you felt the same way.
      I was totally in love with you.
      d-




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    2. L
      May 22, 2017 at 7:39 pm

      I found you watching me, so many times, and I pretended not to notice, but it affected me. The intensity of your gaze, I’ve never felt anything like it.

      When I returned your gaze, when I let you know that yes, I knew, and I too felt this. Whatever this was. This thing that I had never experienced in my life, and I wondered if I were to ever find again.

      Would I always regret not reaching out?

      Yes. I wish more than anything that I could simply ask you, what was in your thoughts? What drew you to me? Why could we not stop finding our gazes coming back to each other.




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    3. Delusional
      May 23, 2017 at 12:56 am

      Author seem very certain their person is on this site and knows it’s for them.




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    4. Sweetness
      May 26, 2017 at 9:08 pm

      If this was my person i would say…..You were an unexpected person I fell in Love with and still after all this time I still am




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    5. Me
      May 27, 2017 at 10:13 pm

      You were and still are on my mind after all this time, even though we are out of touch. You were someone for whom I felt a sense of familiarity not long after when we met. Someone to whom I grew desire to be my friend and more then that. Unfortunately, some life circumstances and maybe past hurts were pulling me the other direction as well. I tried to open up to you a little, but you seemed kind of surprised. Later, when things became more obvious to both of us, I felt like I lost your attetion … I also understand the settings we met were not as favorable, your hands were kind of tied. But what did you expect from me, to completely chase after you?




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    6. Not the snide
      May 30, 2017 at 12:28 pm

      Even though you are not my someone I thank you for all the responses. It just goes to show that none of us are ever truly alone.




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      • faith
        May 31, 2017 at 8:31 pm

        That is true, we are not alone. Still it gets hard sometimes when in this very vulnerable place in life. I hope hearing the other women’s voices might give u courage to try anyway. You might be surprised.




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    7. burned out
      June 2, 2017 at 6:18 am

      I bet you have your hard facts already. It’s the heart that doesn’t want to listen.




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    8. Snide
      June 3, 2017 at 2:01 pm

      Do I love you? Yes
      Are we meant to be? I don’t know
      Am I in love with you? I don’t know this either.
      what you have really become in life, I only saw a tad of
      All the things life has thrown at us has changed us from when we were in high school and college
      Trust issues you have them?
      I have learned that I now trust no one
      I also have very few people i can call “friend”
      Aquatances ….. Lots
      So to say drop your life and fly away with me
      Could never happen
      I would like to be friends, real friends before I could state anything different
      But here’s the catch
      You have a life and I would NEVER ask you to leave it!
      So again…
      Do I love you? Yes
      I am a true friend who loves you




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    9. Jason
      June 5, 2017 at 12:50 pm

      Hey there my muse of recent years,

      That was wordy for you and really does bring clarity to the world in which we live. I wore my heart on my sleeve and was probably a bit too wordy about it but I would take back nothing at all. You, unfortunately or not, were the birthplace of my desire and even with all that has occurred, I would wish for no other to hold that place. The pull towards you has never decreased even with all the time spent in different places, and our lives paths amazingly never crossed. So true friend, do not be surprised by a future notice of intent to stop by and fill in the blanks of time. Although I don’t post much here anymore, I always look for your nickname. Wordy enough…… Love you kid.




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      • snide
        June 6, 2017 at 1:42 pm

        Love you too jh




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        • Over this shit
          June 7, 2017 at 9:51 pm

          Snide and Jason = same person writing back and forth to himself to feel special.
          Deny away……… were all idiots here after all that wouldn’t know a thing… Whatever…
          Good luck with the fantasy.




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          • Snide
            June 11, 2017 at 3:33 am

            Too bad you’re wrong!!!
            We are two different people
            You are such a contortionist I should sell tickets!




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            • I call BS
              June 14, 2017 at 1:44 am

              Contortionist that’s very “wordy” of you snide or did you get yourself mixed up with Jason




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    10. Jason
      June 6, 2017 at 11:32 am

      New car? I like the color….




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      • snide
        June 8, 2017 at 3:14 am

        YES ????
        Wish I knew you were here. I miss your hugs.




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    11. Forever enthralled.
      June 9, 2017 at 9:10 am

      Why does your last message make me feel like I’m 18 again. I thought I had worked this out but I guess not…… Love you CJ




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      • Snide
        June 11, 2017 at 3:35 am

        I love you too JH ????




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    12. Over your shit douche
      June 12, 2017 at 4:59 am

      Dear “over”,

      You caught me genius…. You should call Oprah, you make Dr. Phil look like a douche. Oh, that’s right, he is a douche. Oh well, your relegated to second seat douche. Keep trying though, I know you can do it. You are a high function douche.




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      • I call BS
        June 14, 2017 at 1:50 am

        I guess you had to wait a whole day in between snide and Jason posts so it didn’t look so obvious……too funny.




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    13. M.e.
      June 13, 2017 at 7:09 am

      Phil?




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    14. In the end,it will always be a exit missed
      June 16, 2017 at 5:07 am

      My snide,

      It amazes me how these people get involved in something they have no idea about. Jeeez, I’m not even sure what I should be feeling or doing about how I feel. Does any of it really matter? Damned if I know. Life is nuts kid. I do see your earlier point of how our lives have changed who we were and, sadly, there is a blank spot. Nobody is to blame, I couldn’t ask her to understand us when I don’t even understand us so that wouldn’t have been fair. I really do know,100%, that you would have prevented a marriage if we had stayed in touch. I would have wanted to pursue you even if you didn’t want me too. That’s on me kid. So no matter what you think the motivation was, it was me feeling you were unobtainable and running away from an anticipated rejection. I knew she was right kid. To this day she says I settled for her because I couldn’t be with you and I say “your wrong” but my gut says otherwise. So to life’s left and right turns I say no use crying over spilled milk and we go onward through the night.




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      • Snide
        June 20, 2017 at 3:15 am

        JH, you are correct. I would of put the stop on your marriage. I would of fought your brain. We as you and I go, we need to “fix the hurting” of all that come in our paths. Not good for ourselves but “that’s ok” we helped someone fell better.we feel great we helped someone but we got lost in all our helping.
        But we lost a ton too. You and I have always put ourselves? in the back seat, we can work on ourselves and feelings? later. Too bad we never did!
        But you didn’t need to walk away again
        I really miss you all I had growing up, was you and Audrey and she’s too much of the party girl, I’m not that!
        Once her husband passed she’s different. So now I have my granddaughter she’s my best friend. Guess she will keep me young!
        Love you J wish you were around sometimes I just need someone my own age to talk with




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    15. Wandering in the fog of my making
      June 22, 2017 at 5:10 am

      I had stopped by and spent way too short a time with you, I was making my way back to my truck when you kinda bounced out to say goodbye and your body was talking to me, no it was screaming to me. You probably do not remember that moment but, as is my way, I will never forget it. Every part of you told me to stay and I could not. I completely agree with you kid on our blessings or curses when it comes to our never making time or even thinking of our needs, wants, or desires for just us. I don’t mean the you and I together us, just the singular you and I us. The together us seems to be a hazy fantasy of my making and no matter what my craving for you meant to me, it was not the same for you I fear. That day I spoke of, took a still smoldering ember and ignited a flame of intense desire that had burned so quietly for so long. I now have to accept that, even if (huge if) there was some small thought in your mind that I was a desire of yours, it had a momentary lifespan and had a DNR order on it. I won’t dwell there kid, God knows I have penned enough of that dream and I’m pretty sure your done with that. That said I would still wear you like a hat. Can’t help myself….
      My fear in seeing you is born of the above….
      Could I ever see you in a different light?
      Would I be able to flip a switch to change from desire to devour you to just see you and talk?
      I still believe deep down somewhere that, for that nano-second, you felt an urge and I’m afraid that thought would color my visit and here we go again….
      I do want to have that closeness we share from our past but I am unsure if I would not just get more confused and end up alienating you in the process. This and the fact that we both have our own paths to navigate and how does one shoehorn them together?
      It is called the “Jesus Complex” and I think we are both victims and conqureres of decisions, really bad and really good, we have made. That is a novel already written with no editing possible, no rewrite to be asked for or given.
      It’s funny, not really, that your situation is a lot like mine and yet sharing them, with the exception of writing here, is all but impossible.
      I will be going it alone for a week this summer and a week in early fall and have had numerous thoughts and plans about you only to find myself arguing with me over the rights and wrongs involved, the what is real and what is nots in this head of mine. I’m pretty damn sure I will have a woulda, shoulda moment as I look back.
      So through all this have I lost you kid? Did you pass out ?
      Who would blame you?
      Way too long me thinks…..
      Love you and still……




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      • Awwwwwwww
        June 26, 2017 at 1:23 am

        So so sweet you both use the same “writing” style and intonation you both just have to be soul mates!




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    16. MSE
      June 22, 2017 at 12:20 pm

      Phil




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    17. Me
      June 26, 2017 at 9:01 am

      For you who thinks this is just a psycho ranting alone, good for you. What a smart lad you are, all your Starbucks friends must be riveted by your immense intellect.




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