• Endless desire

    by  • May 21, 2017 • * Safe for Work *, To You • 49 Comments

    My hearts muse,

    Yes, I’ve said I was done countless times. I, as you must be, have grown tired of the ritual tap dance around the subject of unilateral want. I just ask if all I thought I heard was not heard, misread, or just flat made up in my mind. I thought I felt a return of my internal heat and heard words of a returned desire. Now I question my own ability to decipher what I lived. Was there anything there? It won’t change a thing in our worlds. I’m not going to suddenly appear in your life again, as much as I am sometimes drawn to. Maybe it is just some stupid misread on my part but the continual evasion has always haunted me. I would love to know your inner workings intimately, not in a sexual sense but in a best friend kind of way. The lengthy separation and absence of communication created a knowledge black hole for us both, possibly too deep to fill in this lifetime. The main question stands, what was I? Please be direct and don’t worry about hurting my feelings, I am without pride in this matter anymore. I’ve felt like a three ring idiot for too long and really need to hear cold hard facts.

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    49 Responses to Endless desire

    1. me
      May 22, 2017 at 5:33 am

      K-, You are not crazy, I felt the same. And just like you, i doubted you felt the same way.
      I was totally in love with you.
      d-




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    2. L
      May 22, 2017 at 7:39 pm

      I found you watching me, so many times, and I pretended not to notice, but it affected me. The intensity of your gaze, I’ve never felt anything like it.

      When I returned your gaze, when I let you know that yes, I knew, and I too felt this. Whatever this was. This thing that I had never experienced in my life, and I wondered if I were to ever find again.

      Would I always regret not reaching out?

      Yes. I wish more than anything that I could simply ask you, what was in your thoughts? What drew you to me? Why could we not stop finding our gazes coming back to each other.




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    3. Delusional
      May 23, 2017 at 12:56 am

      Author seem very certain their person is on this site and knows it’s for them.




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    4. Sweetness
      May 26, 2017 at 9:08 pm

      If this was my person i would say…..You were an unexpected person I fell in Love with and still after all this time I still am




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    5. Me
      May 27, 2017 at 10:13 pm

      You were and still are on my mind after all this time, even though we are out of touch. You were someone for whom I felt a sense of familiarity not long after when we met. Someone to whom I grew desire to be my friend and more then that. Unfortunately, some life circumstances and maybe past hurts were pulling me the other direction as well. I tried to open up to you a little, but you seemed kind of surprised. Later, when things became more obvious to both of us, I felt like I lost your attetion … I also understand the settings we met were not as favorable, your hands were kind of tied. But what did you expect from me, to completely chase after you?




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    6. Not the snide
      May 30, 2017 at 12:28 pm

      Even though you are not my someone I thank you for all the responses. It just goes to show that none of us are ever truly alone.




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      • faith
        May 31, 2017 at 8:31 pm

        That is true, we are not alone. Still it gets hard sometimes when in this very vulnerable place in life. I hope hearing the other women’s voices might give u courage to try anyway. You might be surprised.




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    7. burned out
      June 2, 2017 at 6:18 am

      I bet you have your hard facts already. It’s the heart that doesn’t want to listen.




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    8. Snide
      June 3, 2017 at 2:01 pm

      Do I love you? Yes
      Are we meant to be? I don’t know
      Am I in love with you? I don’t know this either.
      what you have really become in life, I only saw a tad of
      All the things life has thrown at us has changed us from when we were in high school and college
      Trust issues you have them?
      I have learned that I now trust no one
      I also have very few people i can call “friend”
      Aquatances ….. Lots
      So to say drop your life and fly away with me
      Could never happen
      I would like to be friends, real friends before I could state anything different
      But here’s the catch
      You have a life and I would NEVER ask you to leave it!
      So again…
      Do I love you? Yes
      I am a true friend who loves you




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    9. Jason
      June 5, 2017 at 12:50 pm

      Hey there my muse of recent years,

      That was wordy for you and really does bring clarity to the world in which we live. I wore my heart on my sleeve and was probably a bit too wordy about it but I would take back nothing at all. You, unfortunately or not, were the birthplace of my desire and even with all that has occurred, I would wish for no other to hold that place. The pull towards you has never decreased even with all the time spent in different places, and our lives paths amazingly never crossed. So true friend, do not be surprised by a future notice of intent to stop by and fill in the blanks of time. Although I don’t post much here anymore, I always look for your nickname. Wordy enough…… Love you kid.




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      • snide
        June 6, 2017 at 1:42 pm

        Love you too jh




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        • Over this shit
          June 7, 2017 at 9:51 pm

          Snide and Jason = same person writing back and forth to himself to feel special.
          Deny away……… were all idiots here after all that wouldn’t know a thing… Whatever…
          Good luck with the fantasy.




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          • Snide
            June 11, 2017 at 3:33 am

            Too bad you’re wrong!!!
            We are two different people
            You are such a contortionist I should sell tickets!




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            • I call BS
              June 14, 2017 at 1:44 am

              Contortionist that’s very “wordy” of you snide or did you get yourself mixed up with Jason




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    10. Jason
      June 6, 2017 at 11:32 am

      New car? I like the color….




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      • snide
        June 8, 2017 at 3:14 am

        YES ????
        Wish I knew you were here. I miss your hugs.




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    11. Forever enthralled.
      June 9, 2017 at 9:10 am

      Why does your last message make me feel like I’m 18 again. I thought I had worked this out but I guess not…… Love you CJ




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      • Snide
        June 11, 2017 at 3:35 am

        I love you too JH ????




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    12. Over your shit douche
      June 12, 2017 at 4:59 am

      Dear “over”,

      You caught me genius…. You should call Oprah, you make Dr. Phil look like a douche. Oh, that’s right, he is a douche. Oh well, your relegated to second seat douche. Keep trying though, I know you can do it. You are a high function douche.




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      • I call BS
        June 14, 2017 at 1:50 am

        I guess you had to wait a whole day in between snide and Jason posts so it didn’t look so obvious……too funny.




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    13. M.e.
      June 13, 2017 at 7:09 am

      Phil?




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    14. In the end,it will always be a exit missed
      June 16, 2017 at 5:07 am

      My snide,

      It amazes me how these people get involved in something they have no idea about. Jeeez, I’m not even sure what I should be feeling or doing about how I feel. Does any of it really matter? Damned if I know. Life is nuts kid. I do see your earlier point of how our lives have changed who we were and, sadly, there is a blank spot. Nobody is to blame, I couldn’t ask her to understand us when I don’t even understand us so that wouldn’t have been fair. I really do know,100%, that you would have prevented a marriage if we had stayed in touch. I would have wanted to pursue you even if you didn’t want me too. That’s on me kid. So no matter what you think the motivation was, it was me feeling you were unobtainable and running away from an anticipated rejection. I knew she was right kid. To this day she says I settled for her because I couldn’t be with you and I say “your wrong” but my gut says otherwise. So to life’s left and right turns I say no use crying over spilled milk and we go onward through the night.




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      • Snide
        June 20, 2017 at 3:15 am

        JH, you are correct. I would of put the stop on your marriage. I would of fought your brain. We as you and I go, we need to “fix the hurting” of all that come in our paths. Not good for ourselves but “that’s ok” we helped someone fell better.we feel great we helped someone but we got lost in all our helping.
        But we lost a ton too. You and I have always put ourselves? in the back seat, we can work on ourselves and feelings? later. Too bad we never did!
        But you didn’t need to walk away again
        I really miss you all I had growing up, was you and Audrey and she’s too much of the party girl, I’m not that!
        Once her husband passed she’s different. So now I have my granddaughter she’s my best friend. Guess she will keep me young!
        Love you J wish you were around sometimes I just need someone my own age to talk with




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    15. Wandering in the fog of my making
      June 22, 2017 at 5:10 am

      I had stopped by and spent way too short a time with you, I was making my way back to my truck when you kinda bounced out to say goodbye and your body was talking to me, no it was screaming to me. You probably do not remember that moment but, as is my way, I will never forget it. Every part of you told me to stay and I could not. I completely agree with you kid on our blessings or curses when it comes to our never making time or even thinking of our needs, wants, or desires for just us. I don’t mean the you and I together us, just the singular you and I us. The together us seems to be a hazy fantasy of my making and no matter what my craving for you meant to me, it was not the same for you I fear. That day I spoke of, took a still smoldering ember and ignited a flame of intense desire that had burned so quietly for so long. I now have to accept that, even if (huge if) there was some small thought in your mind that I was a desire of yours, it had a momentary lifespan and had a DNR order on it. I won’t dwell there kid, God knows I have penned enough of that dream and I’m pretty sure your done with that. That said I would still wear you like a hat. Can’t help myself….
      My fear in seeing you is born of the above….
      Could I ever see you in a different light?
      Would I be able to flip a switch to change from desire to devour you to just see you and talk?
      I still believe deep down somewhere that, for that nano-second, you felt an urge and I’m afraid that thought would color my visit and here we go again….
      I do want to have that closeness we share from our past but I am unsure if I would not just get more confused and end up alienating you in the process. This and the fact that we both have our own paths to navigate and how does one shoehorn them together?
      It is called the “Jesus Complex” and I think we are both victims and conqureres of decisions, really bad and really good, we have made. That is a novel already written with no editing possible, no rewrite to be asked for or given.
      It’s funny, not really, that your situation is a lot like mine and yet sharing them, with the exception of writing here, is all but impossible.
      I will be going it alone for a week this summer and a week in early fall and have had numerous thoughts and plans about you only to find myself arguing with me over the rights and wrongs involved, the what is real and what is nots in this head of mine. I’m pretty damn sure I will have a woulda, shoulda moment as I look back.
      So through all this have I lost you kid? Did you pass out ?
      Who would blame you?
      Way too long me thinks…..
      Love you and still……




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      • Awwwwwwww
        June 26, 2017 at 1:23 am

        So so sweet you both use the same “writing” style and intonation you both just have to be soul mates!




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      • Snide
        June 28, 2017 at 12:19 am

        Two different weeks???
        Will you at least stop by and this time show your face???
        If not enjoy your time
        Still looking to be in the Pacific Ocean
        NASA I’m coming back!
        If not there, I dream of Jeanie
        And a lot closer to here but not my first choice
        Maybe that could help you if I’m not that close
        Love jh you will always have a part of me




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    16. MSE
      June 22, 2017 at 12:20 pm

      Phil




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    17. Me
      June 26, 2017 at 9:01 am

      For you who thinks this is just a psycho ranting alone, good for you. What a smart lad you are, all your Starbucks friends must be riveted by your immense intellect.




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      • Here you go
        June 26, 2017 at 3:54 pm

        I gave you a like vote so don’t have to keep coming back to this thread and doing it yourself, after all validation is everything right?!




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      • Snide
        June 28, 2017 at 12:30 am

        Too funny jh
        If you’re ever near pppl
        Please come see me, gate 6 will call me
        I’ll come out maybe do lunch/brunch miss you
        Sorry not too wordy




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    18. Jason
      June 29, 2017 at 3:55 am

      So your retiring? And moving away? Holy shit that is a lot to absorb. Easier on me? Really kid? Distance was never the issue but you do crystilize the real issue here and I should have accepted it when I was much younger. Now it just feels like a bunch of foolish whining and I abhor whining. It’s been years now since we reconnected and countless pages of writing, countless hours of thought, countless days of confusion under my roof and it all boils down to a boys flight of fantasy and a mans inability to keep his perspective. I had not stopped by twice, that entry was about the time I came over 5-6 years ago when we, check that, when I first started down this path of completely misreading things. I saw something that just didn’t exist and used that as a foundation to construct this stream of thought. Like building a house on a cloud, it has collapsed to reality. Bummer. All is not lost though, I will always have the thoughts and the fantasy, that’s really all I had anyhow so it is just the process of learning that and acceptance at long last. Rereading above, your looking to transfer? If so, or for whatever the reason your departing, good luck kid. You know I wish you nothing but happiness and content in your life. No more whining, I promise. I’m off the grid for a couple of weeks as of 7/1 as we are traveling south to look for our final home to live out our lives at. I will always love you Cin and I am really sorry this got so out of hand in my head. I would still like to see you at least once more. I’ve got 6-7 years working left, God willing, so this is just an exploration vacation. If they post a reply by Sat., that is if you reply, I will stay tuned.




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    19. Jason
      June 29, 2017 at 4:08 am

      Dear haters,

      I truly hope you have enjoyed pissing on the salad. I really don’t understand why you feel so inclined to weigh in on things, boredom I guess but it is a bit pathetic. Face to face you would be silent I’m sure. Bomb throwers are never brave, just so self indulgent and miserable in thier own skin that they have to spread the pain out to cope. Kharma is a bitch. Your bound to step in the shit you deposit. Good luck with that. Passages were never intended to be reviewed by you anyhow. I wish you light into your dark world and the love and desire I have felt for this woman for a lifetime.




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      • snide
        July 1, 2017 at 2:53 am

        Is fusion the future???
        Can’t guarantee pppl will be going anywhere I too have 6/7 years
        But no more snow I have always hated that shit!!
        Time to never see it again
        Hate the clod, hate east coast (this high up)after 60 years I’m so done
        Show me the palm trees.
        Call/email me at work sometime
        I have a friend selling my house and I’m looking at Keck or Cape Canaveral
        Both gave me offers
        Love you j wish you were around to really talk this is the clif notes




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    20. No Longer Jason
      July 18, 2017 at 12:37 pm

      In Closing:

      There will never be enough time to fill in the gaps and voids of our collective lives so I sadly must admit my misguided, unwanted attention was a whole lot of mist. You know how I feel and I now have fully accepted the facts of what foolishness feels like. I am truly sorry for putting you in the goofy positions I did and for the pain I opened the door for gladly, at the time.I know you will find your feet in warm sand and I wish you happiness and a love that awakens your inner desires as mine were. I have exhausted the English language here and found myself staring at my own tail but I also learned a lot of what burns inside me. For that I thank you. I will miss this, I’m sure, but it needs to close. Seems unreal to see the words as I type them but here they are. Goodbye Cindy, I will never forget you or the love I felt or the want that consumed me for so long but I have to give up bothering you and torturing me. Wherever you land I know you will survive and thrive but take time to love again kid. It is an amazing feeling…..




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      • snide
        July 19, 2017 at 11:03 pm

        Why do you break my heart???
        I always thought you were mine!
        This was gonna be forever. you promised you would always be there
        Hope all your dreams come true for you too!
        Guess everyone needs a good long cry
        Love you forever Jack




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      • Me
        July 21, 2017 at 5:35 am

        Not entirely sure why, and no disrespect to the author, but the ‘Jason and Cindy/Snide’ story feels scripted , both characters being written by just one person, one author.
        Not that this in any way diminishes the poetic value of this letter exchange …
        I always enjoy reading Jason’s letters.
        With very Best wishes to Jason.




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        • Think so
          July 23, 2017 at 5:51 pm

          Not that it really matters but Jason never uses the reply button but snide ( as if a women would choose that ugly name as a handle anyway) always does…I’m thinking its because Jason’s been caught out before with the auto fill name when he responds….. lols




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          • 1 of 2
            August 5, 2017 at 3:20 pm

            The nickname goes back to high school days. Why hate so much? Are you that uncomfortable in your own skin? Long, complex, and eventually very sad story which I have chosen to lay bare on these pages. A ton of pain has accompanied these notes.




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        • snide
          July 24, 2017 at 3:28 pm

          No two different people, sorry
          But very old friends. We met in 5th grade
          He was my first real boyfriend




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        • Jason's thoughts
          August 5, 2017 at 3:07 pm

          At least you enjoyed it. If scripted, it was chiseled long, long ago and it is two individuals and I can use reply when I choose to. Thank you for your wishes.




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      • @no longer Jason
        July 24, 2017 at 4:10 am

        Just Snide now then
        Or still assuming we are all stupid?




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    21. AT LONG LAST, QUIET
      July 20, 2017 at 8:30 am

      Holy Shit. Your finally gonna give up this tired act “Jason”. It’s long overdue asshole. That was a never ending pity party boy. Grow some balls.




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    22. Snide Lover in thought alone
      July 24, 2017 at 5:35 am

      You have always told me you don’t dream and I believe you Cin. My dreams were as much smoke and mist as was my chances of fulfilling my cravings and desires for you. Was not meant to be. As far as ” I thought you were mine”, I don’t know what that means. I wore my feelings on my sleeve, didn’t hide a morsel of my want but was met with “just old friends”. I got that, was not all that I felt but I got it and accepted it as our life paths were so different. Remember when I came over and never saw you as a game in the bathroom took precedent, I was pissed but soon realized I was projecting how I felt to how you should have felt and that is just wrong headed. “Forever” has come and, unfortunately, gone. While I burned each moment into memory, it was just another day in the world to you and I was blind to that. I was the moron breaking sacred vows, not you, and it took a major toll but in the end woke me up to the foolish behavior I was acting out. Since the 5th grade you had become ingrained in my soul and I created something from nothing at all. You were always a grade “A” flirt and could twist me around a finger without even knowing it but “the child is grown and the dream is gone”. I am 100% positive you will find yourself in the place you want to be and my only desire now is for you to be swept up in a love and passion like the one I felt for you princess. I know quite a bit of my desire was a physical craving for you but mainly because there was such a long disconnect of our maturing years where we just didn’t know each other as adults. I waxed poetic and I guess you enjoyed hearing it but could not reciprocate because you just didn’t share the feeling. Again, I was blind to that and that is why we need to just say good-bye. I promised myself I wouldn’t even look here again and definitely not reply but your “mine” statement blew me away and here I am being a fool yet again. Whether you realize it or not, and I now believe more not, you did put signs out there that furthered my desire. I sometimes think that it is just part of your DNA or at least it makes me feel less of an idiot to believe that then to think I was just so fucking childish and ignorant to reality. Enough. I ramble again. Screw that “WALL” Cin, tear it down, burn it down, do whatever is needed to accept true heartfelt love. I did, for you and man oh man did I become enthralled. Pain? Yes, years of it. Thoughts of leaving? Yup, countless. Happy and content now? Made a promise to work at it and might still be working at my last breath but will keep on working and yes I have found some peace in the world.
      I know I will swear not to revisit here but I have and will always have a weakness. I love you Cin. Good bye




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    23. Not as intelligent as I thought I might be....
      August 4, 2017 at 4:20 am

      I guess we are done here. I was hoping to get clarity but I guess that is just not going to happen. Unanswered questions, matters of the heart left to wither, and conflicting thoughts just hanging in mid-air. What’s the definition of psychotic ? Doing the same thing time and time again and expecting different results. That about sums me up.




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      • kpun
        August 6, 2017 at 9:41 pm

        oh but you are

        *maybe Becuz there’s a more appropriate place to have this convo?




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      • snide
        August 8, 2017 at 5:17 am

        I’m working on selling my house.
        Getting things set to go.
        You will always find me you know how
        I tried for years but never did.
        Just look down the map, you will see.
        Where my life will be takin’ me
        Love you too, I always will
        I won’t say good-bye
        I’m not that chill
        And yes you will always be mine!!




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        • @me
          August 9, 2017 at 1:49 pm

          A farewell rap, how novel. Nice way to leave things off. Hope he has a good sense of humor. From all I’ve read he’ll need it. Good luck SNIDE,apt name, either Jason is a mess or your leaving something behind.
          Jason, you can always write to me.




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        • Goodbye
          August 9, 2017 at 6:37 pm

          Good-bye Jason
          Good-bye Snide

          You both write goodbye the same way so sweet!! Just sayin…don’t get upset now!




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    24. Hers forever
      August 14, 2017 at 4:28 am

      Actually thought it was in keeping with my muses personality and I loved it. And yes I am a mess. Nothing to look at but a decent heart I think. And no I’m not looking for a pen pal but thanks just the same. And ok on the “be mine” . I guess it will always be a spiritual ownership. Love you kid




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