• Depression

    by  • May 21, 2017 • Marriage • 0 Comments

    I am gong to sum this up as little as possible and hope I can gather some advise from people. A short story about myself. I grew up in foster care. I was 18 when I joined the ARMY. My military occupation specialty was Infantry. Before I joined I was dating my HS sweet heart. She is a very beautiful, smart woman who a self-reliance person. After completing basic training, she attended my graduation. By that time I know I wanted to marry her. When I got to Fort Campbell, Kentucky, she secretly left home and got married just outside of base. We were unstoppable and madly in love with each other.

    She made me feel alive and wanted. Every night, I would get a goodnight and a kiss. I would get spontaneous love letters. She reminded me everyday I left that door to be careful and to think about her. When I leave for a field problem, I would find my favorite snacks tuck away with a love letter, with her my favorite perfume. I would run home every night excited to see my wife.

    My first deployment was Kosovo in 2001. It was after 9/11 in late September when I got the Dear John letter. I felt hopeless and cried myself to sleep at times. I love my best friend, my love, and the only person who cared about me. Coming home from that deployment was horrible. I could see everyone being loved by his or her family, kids and spouses. It is the worse feeling, coming home to no one.

    After Kosovo, I was on my own. Stayed single and did not depended on anyone. I left for Iraq in January of 2003, and came home wounded with multiple gunshots in my right arm. My next to kin was blank and I came home to no one.

    I went back to home to see my sister and I met my current wife through a good friend. Six month later I found out she is pregnant. I’m not happy but I have my responsibly and will do my part. 14 years later, with 3 kids, I am struggling with the worse depression.

    With what I have seen in Iraq, and done I feel my internal pain of PTSD. And honestly I can control it but what I cant control anymore, and I feel I don’t deserve this but I can’t find the exit to my depression. It’s been two years since my wife told me she loved me. My wife does not like to hold my hand, or properly communicate. When she does communicate its about her and her day. It’s never about how my day is going or how she can help me feel more positive. When I leave for training, I can be gone for weeks, and she wont even text me. I would have to start the conversation. Not a “hello “or” I hope your having a good day”. Not an “ I miss you” or “ I love you”, no love letter, hug, or kiss on the cheek. When I’m sick, I am on my own. When I need help, I am on my own.

    I am a very depressed, insecure individual fighting for my life. It all started in 2005 when I found a letter address to her ex. It was all about how she made the wrong decision and wishes she could go back to him. We just had a kid and it got ugly to the point cops got called. I was bruised and cops wanted me to press charges. I should have listen but my love for her was there.
    Fast forward to present times, she has friends she talks to but I’m so jealous of them. She talks to two guys, who one is married to her best friend and the other is her best friend. I’m so jealous because she sends them pictures of herself, and sometimes pictures I never received in my lifetime. The communication is daily with “ how are you” or “ how’s your day”. I can’t even get a fuckin “ hello”.

    Back in 2013 I found out she was having an emotional affair. They both deny it but who would send pictures, text message and email about having sex with each other one day. She signs up for a Jasmine account to make extra money, openly playing with herself in front of a computer. I can’t even make love to my wife because she doesn’t want to.

    Overall there is more to this story. The false claims to why we don’t have sex is because she was abused as a child and feels I force myself on her. When times are good we do have sex but it’s not passionate. It’s not what I wanted from the start of my relationship with her.

    What I want is to love my wife. Open the doors for her. Help her with our daily tasks. Go on vacation and enjoy life. I want to hold her hand, kiss her and make love to her passionately. When we look at each other, I want to see us smile. I want to hug her and tell her how beautiful she is and how luck I am. I want to massage her, I want to wake up next to her feeling secured and loved.

    I can’t take this much longer and I can’t leave her because of my kids. I can’t face my kid’s unhappiness as long as I still love my wife. I prayed and prayed that my life can be turned. I want to feel alive

    Jh3502@yahoo.com

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