• I Love You

    by  • May 9, 2017 • * Safe for Work *, Regret • 2 Comments

    Dear A,
    I love you. Yes I know you don’t believe in love. I do. Someone is always more special than anyone. You are that. I never wanted to be attached to you but I did. I loved you before I saw you. I love you for all your explicit jokes. I love you for all your wisdom. I love you for silly jokes. And most of all for the way you restored normalcy in my life. I have anxiety issues and I would never be able to tell you this. I don’t want to lose you. But ever since you got to know I have anxiety all I can think about is how you only see me as a person with anxiety. Someone who is weak and vulnerable. Someone who is unstable. I know you care. But only from a patient’s point of view. It’s? easy to arouse your sympathy and I hate it. I hate sympathies. It’s not your fault I know. I wish I was normal. Someone with a normal calm mind. I wish I didn’t have low self esteem and inferiority complexes. I wish I wasn’t ugly physically. That is the root of my anxiety. So many years have passed with me and my anxiety that now it is hard for me to accept your friendship. I feel triggered every time you ask me if I am fine. I start weeping at the moment you tell me that you’re here. Ironical isn’t it? I needed someone and when you’re here, I have to distance myself. I am sorry. I am afraid of needing you so much that I will crush you. And that’s why I have chosen to go away. I cannot cut ties altogether but I will distance myself mentally. Choose short conversations. And lie every time you ask me if I am fine. I would not ever tell you this. I would be happy and in agony at the same time. What a fucked up girl I am. I wish I was normal. I love you and I can’t even have your friendship. And the only reason for that is me.

    2 Responses to I Love You

    1. @author
      May 10, 2017 at 7:38 am

      I am here for you. I accept all of you. Not out of sympathy, but because I love you and accept you as you are. Everything about you is gorgeous. Even your over active thinking. Your low self esteem is more normal than you realize. 70% of the world’s population have that issue. I fall into that category aswell. Many things I would change about myself if I could. The difference between you and I in this area is that I know that people don’t see us as we see us. We are our own worst critics. You shouldn’t let that control you and push people away. I personally don’t look at my flaws as a bad thing. It’s what makes me me! I let the people who love me for me love me because they accept my flaws and all. I love you because I find beauty in you and every gorgeous flaw of yours. To me what you call flaw I call characteristics. I would really love it if we were close. I would love if you were a part of my life, daily. I fell hard for you and I do care deeply for you. More than I have cared for anyone. I don’t just say that so you open a door you shut. I still love you when your hiding. I accept that’s what you needed and wanted to do. I accept that I may have to love you hiding for the rest of our lifetime. That’s how much I love you. I won’t force you to open a door. I don’t run after you because I don’t care. I don’t run after you because I care enough to let you do what you feel you need to do and if that’s shut a door and hide then so be it. Do I think your weak and vulnerable? On the contrary! I think your a very strong and gorgeous woman who loves with everything she has when she finds someone she can love. I am honored to have had a taste of what love you give. I felt it and still do feel it. I give you space because I respect your choices. I do feel like our paths crossed for a reason. I do believe we have something very rare and special even if you never open the door. I will tell you one thing. You have a friend for life on the other side of the door. If and when you decide you can trust me. Then you will open the door. If we are able to be a part of each other’s lives I want it to be because you want to, not because I ran after you and forced you too. I find you fascinating. I would love to be able to learn more of you. I miss you daily. I think of you daily. I hunger for your hugs that made me feel loved and I feel you felt mine for you. You are very loved and I am blessed to have met such a wonderfully imperfect human being, who’s flaws make her the most gorgeous woman in the world. You are wanted and needed and I’m not talking sexually! If I had a wish I would wish you could trust me after all the hurt this world and myself ( unintentional on my end) have put you through. I would wish you opened the door. Remember friends forever no matter what is what we promised each other. Even if the door remains shut. I keep my promises. I love you more than you know. I think you know that already and thatsee what I hang on to. Your no dummy. You are a very bright individual. I am aware of that. I can see through the masks. You’ve shown me already.

    2. John Smith (yes really!)
      May 11, 2017 at 9:13 am

      I’m sorry for your pain. If it does indeed appear that he can’t return your love, I hope you can find a way to accept that. I also hope that you will find a way to acknowledge and embrace your feelings for him. The capacity to love someone without being loved in return can be a powerful tool for self healing. I have had similar unrequited feelings for a woman. I thought I would not be able to survive such a situation. I did a lot of thinking and writing about her and my feelings. I can’t predict how this will turn out for you, but I was able to learn a lot about myself by accepting and trying to understand my feelings. Good luck to you.

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