It baffles me how easily people can shake from their mind what they know and don’t want to remember.
We all do it; but I wish we didn’t.
How can you not see I’m getting worse, not better?
How can so many people know I’ve been on the edge and not just maybe shoot me a text sometimes to make sure I haven’t gone through with it?
How can my own mother convince herself that I’m some brat who’s just lazy and pretend my entire family doesn’t have a history of mental illness?
Yeah my grades have been good. But that’s because it’s all I’ve been clinging to. That doesn’t mean I’m functional. That doesn’t mean you can latch onto that and say hey, she’ll be fine, and ignore other symptoms.
I bounce back and forth between trying to hide it and trying to call for help.
And nobody notices either way.
I guess I’m just the girl who cried wolf to you guys, right? You say you think about killing yourself enough but don’t actually do it and people just get comfortable with thinking it’s never going to happen. But if you actually remind them that it could, its just too much for them, they can’t live with you anymore, and for their sake you have to take it all back and lie, lie, lie. You have to pretend that knowing you’re a burden to them doesn’t kill you and make you feel more hopeless than ever. Because that would sound like an accusation. People always want you to tell them how you feel, until it gets a little uncomfortable.
Yeah, I know I need help. I wish it was that simple. I wish I could just stroll outside and bam, therapist. But none of you have to live with my mother. It’s really easy to say I need to pull myself up by bootstraps and just tell her when you don’t have a clue what goes through my head. Even the more sympathetic (bless them) refuse to think about the complexity. Because its hard.
I’m not going to kill myself because I could never do that to any of you. I go to write the note and I can never get through it because I know who’s going to read it. But isn’t the fact that I’m living for other people so much of the time pretty fucked up?
I just don’t think I needed to exist in the first place. I didn’t ask for this shit.
I’m trying so fucking hard.
Go easy on me.