The hardest thing in this life is living when I find myself wanting to be somewhere else. Somewhere with you.
I consider myself quite blessed that the hardest thing in my life is missing the one I love. I know it could be worse and I often smile at the absurdity of it all. As long as my happy moments match the sad ones I am fine. Tis balance. Tis life.
My childlike curiosity has been returning and it makes me happy. That is where I find zest.
In case you have been wandering, yes I do still occasionally find myself trying to solve your puzzle. Our puzzle. Find the answer. The lesson. The finality. So I can officially let it go, move on, and make the best of my place here – without you. Ego weak, looking for strength.
They say be patient. Stay positive. Do the work. Maybe in another lifetime…
…They are stupid …
… Because at the end of every day my heart just wants to go home. No matter how hard I try, I can’t control my heart. It gets heavy without you. Life gets heavy without you. Especially on these long sleepless nights. That is when I go to look at the stars, as I am doing right now. I smile at the magnitude. The possibilities.
You once asked what it was that I missed.
I answered wrong.
The heart does not know words. It only feels.
Mine felt yours.
I know your heart is pure (more often than not). I know it still occasionally beats for me. No matter how long gone, I know that mine next to yours, is still my home. Albeit brief, that was the only place it ever really felt completely full, like nothing was missing.
That is what I miss most.
To say you are perfect would be a lie. If you were, I would not have seen you. Your imperfections, your thorns, your cover, your wall, your complexity – the sweet mixed with the sour. You are a brat and you know it! But that was the glimmer that caught my eye and drew me in. Curious fellow, I am. What I miss is your heart. That is what I fell in love with.
You probably do not remember, because you were sleeping, but the last time I held you, I could not sleep. I felt my heart beating in unity with yours. The same frequency. 528hz perhaps? It was beautiful and that is when I realized without a doubt that I loved you. My heart made a silent promise to yours that it would find you again and beat next to yours once more.
That never happened and mine breaks a little every day it does not.
That’s a lot of heart breaks! Ego weak, heart strong. It always puts itself back together. Never worry about that.
My constant-lation prize is that I can still occasionally feel your distant unconscious vibrations, calling me in.
I do not know when or how, but I know our day will come.
Fais de beaux rêves, mon amour…