My Dearest N,
Why haven’t you left my mind and my heart yet? I keep trying to come up with answers as to why you had to hurt me the way you did but I just keep coming up with more puzzling questions. It’s been a little over three months. Three months since we parted ways. Three months since I finally took the red pill and was no longer shrouded from seeing the parts of you that all the girls who were unfortunate enough to get caught up in your PATHETICALLY PLAYED game knew to be true. The parts of you that I wish I had known about earlier. The parts of you that I wish I never realized were such a cornerstone of who you are, and, the parts that are constantly making me feel like beating myself up for not having known better.
The saddest part of you continuing to play the same pathetic hurtful game with yet more innocent girls that you will eventually inevitably destroy, IS THAT YOU WILL NEVER EVER KNOW WHAT IT IS LIKE TO ACTUALLY WIN.
I can’t wrap my head around how you slept every night, right after your final daily reminder that you loved me, knowing that the longer you kept this up, the more I’d hurt if I found out. How the hell did you just shrug off listening to me open up to you about my biggest fears, most paralyzing vulnerabilities, and most traumatic past experiences while in the back of your mind, you knew that if I found out what (or, in this case WHO) it was that you were actually hiding from me, you’d be the one responsible for me hurting most of all?
Especially in me opening up to you about the sexual trauma I went through, how in the hell did you still think you could get away with violating me the way that you did? In fact, I’ll say it– the way you violated me, physically, emotionally, and spiritually, shattered my soul in more ways that what all my past experiences of being sexually violated combined ever did. You took what you wanted from me without giving a sh*t about how much it would irreparably hurt me. Let me help you understand. Maybe if I do, I can sway you to actually give a sh*t for once. So that the next girl that steps into your web doesn’t leave even remotely as FUBAR as I did.
Because of you, I am no longer able to be alone in the presence of straight men.
Because of you, I have completely lost my heterosexuality and to be honest- I really, really don’t miss it. I can’t ever fathom the idea of ever sleeping with a man again.
Because of you, I can’t even look at a scantily clad man without having my past trauma be triggered yet again.
Because of you, I am scared shitless to ever trust again. All it did was make me feel like a complete moron for giving it to you.
Because of you, my PTSD came back and attacked me with a vengeance I had never seen before. I had to go back to therapy and get back on psychotropic medications that ended up giving me horrible side effects. I had to go to countless massage, acupuncture, and body talk sessions, just to attempt to decrease my fibromyalgia stress pains enough to push through my days. Only the strongest dab hits provided me with any kind of lasting relief. If only you knew how scary facing the sexual trauma based PTSD fog really is-WELL let me try to clue you in. Its like that scene in Lord of the rings where Frodo and Sam go through that foggy swamp saturated with tortured spirits of the dead, not knowing where the swamp ended or when and if the fog will ever lift. Its like going through a minefield with compromised vision and compromised agility. You fumble and fall into one of countless death traps, and then before you even realize it, you’re back down the rabbit hole of re-experiencing all your worst traumas that you fought for your entire life to escape and forget.
YET, despite how much you hurt me, what happened between us made it possible for me to finally be able do something that I was convinced I would never ever be capable of doing–Loving THE HELL out of myself. Loving myself in all the ways you never ever loved me.
Yes, you caused me a great deal of pain. And yes, I’m fully aware that I never deserved it. And yet, I guess it took the unprecedented level of pain, betrayal, and hurt you caused me to finally get through to me. It took what you did to me to finally realize that me not being able to love myself was in no way something to take lightly. So thank you for finally making it possible, because, honestly, being able to finally be compassionate and loving towards myself will always be worth it- no matter what the cost of pain it took me to get there.
Like I said earlier, what you did to me did indeed leave me f*cked up beyond all recognition (FUBAR), but maybe me now not being able to recognize who I was before and during the time you were a part of my life is not a bad thing at all. Maybe I didn’t want to repair and restore myself to who I was back then. Maybe letting myself completely fall apart so I could start over and put myself back together, in way that completely challenged everything about who I thought I was, was actually the best thing I’ve ever done for myself.
I’m no longer the girl who thinks she is inherently inadequate and less than. I am no longer the girl who was stuck in the vicious and endless cycle of basing my self-worth off of other people’s attention, affection, and approval. I am no longer the girl that lives in petrifying fear of the next traumatic experience that will end up being the last-straw kind of experience that I couldn’t possibly recover from. I’m no longer the girl who will settle for other people’s crumbs…
Instead, I’m now the girl who will throw those crumbs back in their faces and bake my own delicious (vegan) cake for myself. I am the girl who finally realizes and believes in my own invaluable and infallible strength and wisdom I’ve acquired directly and solely from surviving my most heart-wrenching experiences. I’m now the girl who knows she can survive anything, because I survived you being the one to shatter my soul. Realize, N, that in doing so, you only forced me to rebuild and redefine it into something way more powerful, indestructible, and self-compassionate than I ever fathomed it could become.
Because of you I’m no longer afraid of loving myself first.
Because of you I’ve become the kind of woman I’ve always wanted to be but never thought I could ever be. One that finally realizes her own immense worth as resilient, capable, and irreplaceable. One that now is able to let go of all of her resentment towards herself and others and instead be able to embrace the tremendous liberation that forgiveness has provided her.
You’ve now taught me that the only way for me be able to truly forgive and love others is through being able to fully forgive and love myself. I didn’t think I’ve ever see myself writing this, but I guess that does indeed make me better off for having known you. I want you to know that your hurtful actions towards me did not create an emotionally damaged, self-sabotaging monster; They created in myself the kind of radically fearless yet unconditionally compassionate woman I always wished I could become.
Thank you for making that possible. Maybe the excruciating emotional agony you inflicted on me through your actions was exactly what it took to do so. Yes, maybe much less of it would have sufficed, but without any amount of it I would not be who and where I am now. I really do believe anyone that happens to cross my path in my life does so for a reason and for a specific purpose. Maybe yours just didn’t turn out to be what I expected as being the lasting love of my life, yet, it most certainly did turn out to be something of far greater value: the one that finally made it possible for me to access my own love for my own life. And for that, I will be forever grateful to have known you. For the rest of my life, this will always be how I remember you and how I will sum up the story of us. And, for that, I will always love you.