• Hello, Old Friend

    by  • April 30, 2017 • * Safe for Work *, Depression • 0 Comments

    It’s been awhile since we last spoke. Things have been good since then for the most part. I mean, don’t get me wrong, there have been many bumps along the way since I saw you last. Lauren came and left again, but for good this time. I think that we both know why. Ultimately I believe it to be for the best. She deserves someone who will love her more than I ever could; I just wish she would see that. I also met someone else, and I guess that’s the reason I’m writing you. Well, not because I met her, but because of everything she has done to me. My life was turned upside down the moment she walked into the room. From that point, nothing would ever be the same again; or so I thought, because here I am talking to you. Things were good for so long with her. Days felt like weeks, and weeks felt like hours when I was with her. Time didn’t make any sense at all. There wasn’t so much passion; so much fire; so much pain. It’s funny how those things often go hand in hand, but you know, I am here because I let myself fall into the same position again. What position is that, you may ask? Second. I continue to feel second best, even after I give everything of myself. I know that we could be perfect together, as she is everything I think I have ever wanted, but at the same time she destroys me like a tornado destroys a house made of hay. I think I may even love her, even after everything we have been through. But the hard part of that is, she won’t let herself love me. You see, to her, I am the cause for so much of her pain, when in reality it was a release. I guess pain and freedom are not atonymous in this circumstance. Because of that, I have never been an option, even though she has felt the same fire that ignited the spark in the first place three months ago. Such a short time, but what a life has been lived in it. However, of course you know, that things do not end well since I am writing you again. Today, she told me that she was finally done. She said “you have been so good to me, but I do not know what to do with that and I have to push you away.” Am I angry? No. Am I hurt? Of course. I began the conversation saying I couldn’t do this anymore; so do I have a right to be hurt? I believe I do. Did I know better? I believe I did. However, none of that matters now old friend. The only thing that matters is that it’s over again, and here I am, in last place. But, as I’ve said, you know that, otherwise I wouldn’t be writing you. For now we shall keep it that way – just writing. I’m not ready to meet you yet. But that doesn’t mean I’m okay. How can I be? All I can do is pretend; as I have been for so long. Goodnight old friend. I won’t meet you today. I know some day it will come, but not and today.

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