• Still Here

    by  • April 17, 2017 • * Safe for Work *, To You • 14 Comments

    I follow this site a little too closely. Any one of these could be from you. You might hate me, you might love me, it might be both. Or neither. It’s cruel to myself really, but I can hardly cope without some form of communication from you. The thought of you hating me is easier to handle than having turned into nothing to you at all. I wish you would talk to me.

    I constantly try to remind myself that you had to leave. There’s nothing I could do. I understand why, but that doesn’t make it hurt any less. I still blame myself. I didn’t do enough or I was too much. You may have tried to tell me otherwise, but all I can see are faults of mine. It has never stopped me thinking that you would eventually come back though. That what we had was real. The most beautiful thing I will ever know. You have never left my mind. You feel like home to me in a way that no one ever has.

    I don’t know that I’m any kind of thought to you at all anymore. I don’t know what has gone on in the eternity that has passed. I don’t know how you feel. I do know that you were broken. I hope you’re finding your way through. I’ll always hope that for you. For myself too. I don’t know about you, but it’s really hard to imagine that for myself right now. Not like this. Not without you. I’m still shattered, and the world isn’t helping. I’ve just kept my head down, blindly pushing forward. I’ve never stopped wishing, hoping, pleading for you to come back.

    Please come back to me. We have a lot of repairs to make, a lot of work to do, but I’ve never questioned our ability to get through this, to get through everything. You’re still the only one I want.

    I love you so much
    I miss you so much

    14 Responses to Still Here

    1. Redstringoffate
      April 17, 2017 at 5:52 pm

      I feel like this letter applies to me but that’s just crazy talk. Now isn’t it?

      Love S

      • The Road Less Travelled
        April 21, 2017 at 3:10 pm

        Love is crazy. We do things for the first time or many a pleasurable spontaneous action packed adventures that we treasure. Our memories, ones shared with the One we love is forever beautiful as is the limitless rays of light that is her, you, friends, family & most importantly ourselves…

        • Cello lame
          April 22, 2017 at 9:07 am

          I’d rather not have a memory in this case. He manipulated me and she gave me herpes which makes me want to kill every inch of him and her. Smash everything and kill their light. Beautiful? No. Not in the least bit.

          • Well.
            April 24, 2017 at 4:56 pm

            Totally understand your anger and it’s fully justified. I hope things get better for you. That would make me want to kill every inch of someone too.

            • Cello lame
              April 26, 2017 at 7:43 am

              People think it’s a joke when you love someone and they betray you. It’s not. Thanks for the kind words.

    2. Dark Angel
      April 18, 2017 at 10:54 am

      It’s said that some people come into your life for a reason, a season or for a lifetime.

      I too miss someone that I thought would be in my works for a lifetime but realize it was just meant to be a for a season. When Love and trust are gone, you have to move on , no matter how much it hurts.

      Take care
      Dark Angel

      • ~ C ~
        April 19, 2017 at 1:57 am

        Dark Angel… it’s good advice. Similar to something I wrote to my ex. Funny; heard it from Madea’s live play. Funny poignant, and a little silly to chase the blues.https://youtu.be/WJ-aWRVm9uQ?list=PLx9stNOaaQrFYLl-js0f-50wTv0tuzgmt

      • Pain without love
        April 19, 2017 at 10:35 am

        Such beautiful words, filled with much sorrow. I understand your pain.

    3. Well.
      April 19, 2017 at 3:48 pm

      Why are women always waiting for the men that hurt them to come back? So many of these men by their actions, prove they don’t care. If he has ignored you, called you any names, hung up on you, walked away, refused to speak to you, cheated on you etc etc then he doesn’t CARE and he will continue to act in these ways if he comes back. These men are great with the smooth talk and being with them is like drinking champagne but they are almost ALWAYS cowards who have no resilience to work through problems in relationships and bail at the first sign of discord. When you say WE have a lot of work to do – most men are only willing if YOU do all the work and they stay the same. You’ll exhaust yourself trying to work things out with someone like that. Most men see women as revolving doors – easy come, easy go. Porn etc has given the impression to them that there is a great line up of available women just waiting to have sex with them. Why in the hell would they put in work when they can just move on and pretend you don’t exist? The only time they pretend to work on the relationship is when they feel they may lose half ‘their’ assets. Bitter? No, realistic.

      • ~ C ~
        April 22, 2017 at 10:53 pm

        Thank you for putting it so bluntly and asking the why of it all. Helps to reinforce the question in my mind and one step closer to clarity and freedom of mind.

      • Tearied Eyed Me.
        April 23, 2017 at 6:27 am

        Bitter, realistic, maybe. The truth is all that matters. Words said sometimes shouldn’t have been voiced. I’ve done this, no more though & never shall I. Regardless if right or wrong. Both making things worse to no return. Let the pain go. Women equally no better or worse. Both must admit to themselves at some level we are at fault to a degree? I’m sorry. Men have feelings too. Hearts broken. Especially when what you wrote is personally at me. Shall I say your name & call you out. Its ok. Answer me this? Why is it ok for women to say piercing words, knowingly hurt him yet when he says what he feels back, or expresses himself, he is at fault & much worse. Every love I’ve known has done this. I’ve asked many men on this subject too. But what would I know.

        • Well.
          April 24, 2017 at 4:51 pm

          It’s not OK for anyone to say piercing words. Women or men. I lived through a 2 decade marriage where I never said a word back but was on the receiving end of dreadful name calling – I finally cracked and that is the one fight all my kids remember. The next relationship I put up with name calling AGAIN but this time I was infatuated and loved him so much but I KNEW he had seriously flawed resolution skills. I once called him a name back and it was then I knew instead of pulling him up to my level – he was dragging me down to his. I had to leave. I have worked and worked throughout my life to be a respectful and willing dispute resolver that doesn’t involve annihilating the person in front of me – my children will tell you they are not afraid to talk about anything with me. I expect the same skills and respect back. I have never met a man who was respectful when the chips were down – they all go for nuclear type communication the minute they see a problem. I’m not going to be on the receiving end of that because someone hasn’t put the same amount of work into themselves or developing themselves as I have. I won’t wait around anymore for them to fix themselves either – men are great at saying they are ‘trying’ to grow and improve at respectful communication but they actually do NO actions to support that skill set growing. Not even read a book or see a psychologist or do a class. Actions always speak louder than words. I expect to be treated with the respect I give. So in answer to you – it isn’t OK for men or women to carry on like that and BOTH should be left if they are not actively working on becoming respectful in their communication.

          Men also are a LOT scarier when they are saying what they want back – they are intimidating in the way they communicate when they are angry. You should not discount how it feels to be half the size of someone and have them shouting and spitting in your face. It’s terrifying. The minute someone has you acting in ways that are bringing you down to their level – it’s time to walk away. Relationships should help you be a better person – not a worse one. Silent treatment, walking away and ignoring are also forms of abuse I will no longer put up with. If you can’t be an adult and fact the situation with me then you don’t deserve to be with me. I’m not playing dumb power games. Egos need to be checked at the door.

          You can say my name and call me out – I’ve done nothing I’m ashamed of. I learnt very early on in life that if I behaved in ways that make me proud and I do my best then I don’t have to spend time with regret and shame. It’s not hard to be a good person, a good friend, to not cheat, to not call people names, to treat people respectfully. I don’t understand why it’s so hard for others. I stay away from people who find it is hard work for them to be nice, respectful or to not cheat. There is something wrong with them.

          • Long Winded Version
            April 27, 2017 at 12:41 pm

            I’m sorry you’ve been traumatized like so many of us. Yes your right in what you’ve said. I could still say who he & you maybe. For I’m not him. A short yet unforgettable beautiful passionate love(for me at least) that was made in heaven. I shall always be thankful for. It destroyed me too. For both of us failed each other in different ways. Both fantastic at communicating & both not addressing the others needs & acting in how we should have by growing stronger from the hurdles we call life making our core foundation unbreakable. She is simply the definition of love. I’ll admit for the first time here. She broke my heart & soul that I wasn’t me anymore. She forgets that for the first half of our journey I lifted her spirits from a place of utter darkness into the limitless angelic light that she is & always had. It took a Man that saw the inner light from the very first conversation. Yes, the chemistry so finite, that a flame ignited instantaneously for both & we both vehemently saw blu magnetic mirrors that drew us in willingly like in hyper drive. That is where both forgot to co-pilot the controls & flow at a gentle speed our waters lapping the banks of the river safely, thus ensuring a everlasting eco system that is harmonious & sustainable
            I did do what many don’t do as you stated..seeing a psychiatrist, she made me hold a teddy bear lol, I learnt all my mistakes & the flaws that hurt the ones I love.& myself. Talking about it at group meetings, apologizing to those I mistreated. Doing what I promised I’d do. The hardest one was learning to truly listen & then put myself in their shoes so I’d understand from a different perspective. Which is vital to grow. For any man, learning to love yourself & not lose yourself in her by doing what we are passionate about, setting boundaries, promising each other to love thy self so we can hand in hand forever keep our spirits soaring entwined. I can prattle on for eternity(a ring she wore on her LH given by a former flame). I have remained single since by choice for I never wanted to repeat the hurt I caused. My body became my,temple physically too. The fittest I’ve ever been. People can change & grow. I still slip from time to time. Yet I automatically am aware, apologize & avoid what once spewed forth from my mouth to now a momentary thought. Thank you for allowing me to see I’m on the right journey. One that has been a sober one. A life changing one. I have never seen her since. She’s in my thoughts everyday. No one forgets any of those we love who to me mean much. May your life be one of happiness, adventures that make the heart race, find & be the love we choose to live.

            • Well.
              April 29, 2017 at 12:10 am

              Yes, anybody can change. But change is hard and only those with character ever really manage it, without backsliding. I’m glad you got the help you needed to grow. I too saw/see a psychologist – have at different times throughout my life. I correct myself from time to time when I”m veering off track.

              The last man I loved (the only one if truth be told) had me so far off track, that it’s taken twice as long to get back on track as the time I spent with him. He had a devastating impact on my life.

              May your life be filled with love and acceptance. It is too late for me – I have no desire to put myself in the line of a freight train ever again and do not believe the adage that it’s better to have loved and lost etc etc. I wish I had never loved and I have no intention of doing so again.

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