I’m angry.. I’m sad, heartbroken.. pissed, full of regret .. still in love .. and disgusted.
When we first got together, everything was perfect.. we had the best dates, the best nights out and I couldn’t think of being away from you. Sex was amazing..well the connection was amazing. I rarely ever came, but when you are me it.. man! That shot was awesome!
I stuck by you. I stayed with you for two years. You got me pregnant while you were unemployed and I was always hopeful.. we stuck it out..you got a job just like I knew you would.. we had a beautiful Abby.. I thought we would get married. Have a family. But that didn’t seem to be true. When I was pregnant you told me that you weren’t attracted to me. After I had our baby, you told me you weren’t attracted to me like you used to be. We stopped having sex. We started arguing more. Things changed dramatically.
You told me at 1:30 a.m. You weren’t in love with me but you had love for me. By 3:30am I’d had half of my shit packed and was on to the baby’s clothes. By the next day pieces of furniture were out the apartment. Something clicked in my mind after you said those words to me. ” don’t stay until the next day. Leave now.. and take that beautiful creation with you.
My heart is shattered. I’m sure the pieces will be glued together at some point. But now all I see is darkness, until our child makes me laugh and smile.
I’m jealous of families I see outside walking around. Looking perfect. And I- I’m alone. Nah, I have family that loves me and is helping me though this process. I have angels watching over me, that are guiding me. But I’m alone. I’m not with the man I love..or the man I thought loved me.
I have a child that adores me, and I’m grateful for you. For you coming along to help me make him. I’m grateful for that little baby.
But you. I love you and I hate you. I hate you. I love you. You make me sick. I shouldn’t even give you a space in my mind. One day another man will love me. Adore me and I’m hopeful.
That’s all I can be.