• unspoken words; unsettled thoughts

    by  • April 13, 2017 • * Safe for Work *, To You • 4 Comments

    i never understood how you could love me. i was always in constant panic. i was always afraid that you’d leave me if i couldn’t be more. i do not wish to harm anyone. i do not wish to go to my old ways. Im always trying to take on multiple roles in attempt to become “more”… only to realize none of them were my passion and nothing had been completed. i love you. Honestly besides you and any form of art … nothing mattered anymore to me. i felt as if i was running out of options and if i continued being so weak you’d leave. i should have confided in you but i was afraid i would just sound like i was complaining. (hence my distance and silence) I just really valued your opinion. I dabbed into my old ways but could never stick because i was scared to be put away and lose my only passion.

    Your flaws? I pointed them out because i love those flaws. Why do you think i was all up on you all the time. I realistically started my cuddling addiction with you. I know the blood seemed to creep me out still but i was more worried that we didn’t know wtf was going on. I was honestly scared for you. I just knew you didn’t want to make a big deal of it so i said the bare minimum. I got past it the first time i said “eww” and you gave me the run down lol. i felt so immature. I point you out because i only see the beauty in you. I pointed you out because you’re different. I pointed you out because i wanted you to see it too. I loved every cell that made you. they say after 90 days you are a whole new person, cell wise. So everyday i held onto you.

    A problem? You were my biggest ally the entire time. I get jealous and overprotective because… i am possessive. You are not mine. You belong to you in every way… but you stole my heart that summer. I tried to fight it but i couldn’t fight it with you. So i gave in. I love who you are loved who you loved because thats what made you… as hard as that is to believe. i also was always waiting for the moment that you came telling me they used you, again. I couldn’t let you get hurt. I couldn’t let it happy to MY baby. Not when she is my lifeline. Not when she is the sun in my sky. The cadence of my life. I hate seeing you cry. I hate when you hid your tears…
    especially when i caused them.

    I want to fix us but you have to be willing to also. the ball is in your court. im down. although… i know i do not deserve your hand right now. my “actions” have verified that. i want us to grow from this and talk again. you really are my best friend. you already know i will not hurt you. i never have done something to purposefully hurt you. I can see why youd think that though. If it makes you feel better … know i will not approach you if i make you feel threatened. I’ll increase my efforts to stay away. do not be afraid. i am no threat.

    oh how i I love you; but i hated myself

    i love that you love to piss me off. I love that i could look in your eyes and lose my train of thought. how you would sing in the morning. i love telling my family how much i love you and i wouldnt trade you for anything. Even how you guys would gang up on me. I could keep going but i rather say it to your face.

    I hated myself because i never felt like id ever be enough. I hated that i was so good a fucking up. i hated that my best efforts end up in disappointment. i hated that i had given up on our first adventure. i hated that i didnt even try. i hated that i wasnt there. i hated that i basically made you do it. i hated myself. i felt like you hated me too. and no matter how hard i danced that night i couldnt shake off that pain. To this day i wish i could trade places with either one of you to take the pain. I couldnt. so i held onto you. or at least what was left. trying to stand tall for you and alleviate some of the pain ive caused. ive carried that with me for so long. the last soul taken. my biggest demon. my dumbest decision.

    im sure we’d have an awkward silence here.

    Im not playing the victim. I never should have been a attacker. I am. I know im wrong. I cant dwell in my mistakes anymore. I have accepted the consequences of my actions. I am still striving to learn from them daily. I wanted to grow up long ago. Now i need to.
    Because that wall had been built for years. you broke in. you know more than anybody. when you left… the wall came crumbling down. i caught all the feels lol. i had to face who i really was in the mirror. it took a while but i realized i wasnt looking at myself. i was looking a mere reflection of me. i was looking a conflicted spirit. torn between who he thought he’d become, demons of what he’d done, and who he really is. ive been needing help. im getting it. its long overdue.

    only with love,
    x

    P.S.
    if you think they meant so much to me then why am i only pestering you? I sent many messages i regret … none of them to you. I only ran to them to back away from you. Alot of regrets none of them you. you can keep my heart; ill keep happy thoughts of you.

    Related Post

    4 Responses to unspoken words; unsettled thoughts

    1. Dark Angel
      April 13, 2017 at 10:10 pm

      It’s good to hear that you’re getting the help you need.

      You can now work on yourself and let this person go in peace to live their life in peace and happiness.

      Dark Angel




      0



      0
    2. R
      May 1, 2017 at 5:23 pm

      I may be twisting this to my own situation, but just in case.
      First of all, I’ll love you for eternity. That hasn’t changed.

      “I only ran to them to back away from you.”
      How are we supposed to mend when you’ve run back to them? You’re giving me every wrong impression here. I’ve stayed away because you ran back to them. It’s not in my court at all. We’re in the same place as where we started, but everything has changed. I’m waiting with all the patience I can muster, hurting like you wouldn’t believe.




      0



      0
      • Author @ R
        May 2, 2017 at 8:16 pm

        In case its you. But its not.
        (I know you don’t like poetry … )

        Just because I left does not mean I am gone.
        You call it weak but i call it holding on.

        Im not looking for impression
        Im just learning my lesson
        To never forsake you
        You’ve always been a blessing

        I understand your pain
        and how it can not be tamed
        even though the source
        Is not only me to blame

        I’ve restarted my life
        took a chance and rolled the dice
        though things are nice
        Id rather be on ice

        because when i ran
        i hoped you’d understand
        i never would leave you
        without reaching out a hand

        my hands getting cold
        my hearts growning old
        you say you still love me
        now that statements bold

        you know where i am
        just check all my spam
        if love was a factor
        why are you so cold mam?

        so trust me I’ll wait
        till my expiration date
        hopefully my lungs
        make it to 88

        if not then just know
        i love you though
        and if it means anything
        i wont let you go.

        But speaking of leaving

        You know why i left
        If i didn’t grow up
        Id have nothing left

        you told me move on
        i packed my shit and moved along
        but my heart keeps on beating to the same old song

        you tell me to go
        then you tell me to wait
        you tell me to hurry
        then you say its too late

        what do i do?
        what can i prove?
        how far should i go?
        to show my love for you.

        I was just taught that if somebody leaves then give them space.
        I hope your pain goes away soon.




        0



        0
      • A
        May 8, 2017 at 6:18 am

        Where is the place we started?

        I need to know. So we can meet there and start mending.

        Now you have the ball again ????




        1



        0

    Leave a Reply