I don’t want to be sitting around thinking about you, ruminating on the past, yet here I am. It’s where and how I have been for the past few days. It’s funny, because your memory has been buried so deep within me for the longest time. And now, suddenly, here it is again. You’ve been on my mind, no matter what I do, I can’t seem to shake the thought of you. I wonder if this is because it’s come to my attention that you are now permanently someone else’s. I guess, somewhere inside of me, I never imagined this happening. It could be that I always had this wild thought that you would never stop thinking of me. But that’s selfish of me. It’s selfish because I pushed you away for one specific reason – I didn’t want you to think of me. I’m looking deep to find the reason why you won’t leave my mind. Is it jealousy? Maybe. Is it something stupid, something so silly and ridiculous that I can barely stand to type it out? Possibly. I’m beginning to look back at little moments here and there; moments from when we were together, moments when we weren’t, and moments from in between. Sometimes I think it was you who really tore us apart. Which sounds ridiculous, considering you were, of course, part of “us.” Please don’t be hurt by this, because sometimes I think it was me too. I think what’s bothering me is that I am realizing so many things when it’s too late. Maybe it was us that tore us apart. I remember thinking how it seemed cyclic -we ended our relationship where we had started it. I also remember the night we tried sparking our old flame, where we used to use flames for….other things. I guess I was always looking for deeper meanings in little things like that; maybe it gave me a better understanding as to why things happened the way they did. Sometimes I have this vague feeling of knowing the right person at the wrong time. I think we were both too immature for what we wanted, or perhaps, what we could have been. Sometimes I remember the way you made me laugh, the way you’d never let anyone tear me down, the way you’d play music for me. But I also remember how petty you could be. I remember arguments that made no sense, the way you always had to be right. I find myself feeling confused – part of me is happy to say I have found what I’ve always wanted. And yet, I still think about what could have been. What if we tried harder? What if we had corrected our mistakes? “What if” are toxic words when put together. It makes you feel like maybe you’ve taken the wrong avenue. Maybe we did. Or maybe walking away from each other was the best choice. Look how far we’ve both come; we’re both a far cry from the people we were seven years ago. But who’s to say that we did this alone? I’d like to think that we made each other better, despite the things that went south. I wish I could reach out to you. I find myself wishing for closure so often. I wish we could talk, or better yet, I wish we could communicate. We were never good at that, and I think that’s how we got here. It’s hard for me to admit that I love you, because part of me always will. But in the same vein, it would be remiss of me to not mention how you’ve helped me to grow. There are days when I wish things had gone differently. And yes, it pains me to admit to this. Sometimes I imagine the younger versions of us, the one who thought we’d always be invincible. I wish I could sit the past versions of us down and tell them, “appreciate this now. It won’t be your forever.” It’s a shame that we grew into two people who could have had something beautiful. Sometimes I think if we had met now, instead of as teenagers, things would be different. I think what bothers me the most is that we let our demons defeat us. After a while we stopped fighting for what we had, and started fighting against it. We never made the right moves when our pawns were ready. Instead we let insecurity, lies, pettiness, and anger take the lead. I wonder if you think these things too. I wonder if a memory of ours pops into your head and makes you think of the person you once loved. I wonder if you think about what we could of been. But maybe that’s silly of me to think. You have the life we always dreamed of, but you have it with someone else. And that, well, that kills me the most.