Dear Alice in Wonderland,
I think about you all day but i don’t know if you feel the same anymore. I unfriended you because i miss you. I know that sounds stupid but read me out (see what i did there?). When we first kissed i was so stoked. How could this amazing person love me when i barely love myself? How does everything make since with her? How in the hell is she motivating me to be better? I decided I would protect you with my life if need be. If i only had $20 id spend 19 on you just to see you come back to life when you were full. I got so comfortable with you that I would dismiss a party just to sit in silence and be at peace knowing eventually you’d be home. At the beginning of the end i tried to act unphased. We both know how i reacted in private. I didn’t leave that couch for about a week, crying myself to sleep, moving only for rotation or go to work. Every time i opened my phone id see you. It only broke me down more and more… to the point where i told my “friends” to not speak of you. Even when i did my best to keep the distance i would still say to myself hey I think she would like this… only to realize that I couldn’t call you. Because every time I did it seems like I was just holding you back from doing you. I know I said that I would never leave again … unless you came with me but when you left me I got the idea that you weren’t planning on ever looking back. Two things that you told me keep popping up in my head. “I can’t love you the way that you want to be loved.” “I’ve made a decision and I’m not going back on it; no more back and forth.” I had to respect that. Hell, i asked how you felt. That was the first time that I realized love was not only an option; but also an addiction. I had been overdosing for so long that i forgot how to live. Everyone would call me the hardest of workers and whenever I was with you I was just at peace knowing that you where in my general vicinity. Sometimes I would be grumpy because life wasn’t going as planned and I knew that you weren’t happy. Sometimes I would be grumpy because didn’t feel like I knew how to make you happy anymore. I didn’t know where to take you anymore. I just wanted us to go off and create our own adventure. An adventure where we would meet new people everyday with every step. As the days passed on after you left I realized that I was becoming a burden. You already had a new life, you’d be doing better, and i know you can take on any project. Whilst i had only two options; sink or swim. I chose to stop emptying bottles and get my life on track also. There are men out there who are able to spoil you and pamper you and love you in ways i cant do living this way. Just like the last times i will always be supportive of any relationship if he lets you be the princess you are. Please understand it may be difficult at first. You already know that all it would take is a text and I’d drop everything to find my way back to you. Proven. I told you that I would stay single for a while after we broke up. Not to be loose… because i don’t yearn for that lifestyle anymore. (It isn’t fair to anybody.) Only because I never expect you to take me back if I don’t grow up, stop being codependent, and grind like i should have been doing. I may be leaving but i swear you must have packed my heart too. Now I really wish i could have brought big baby with me. Please, kiss her for me. I’m so glad you got her in time. I smiled so hard when i saw her. I love you… no no no im in love with you. It doesn’t matter how far i am. i will never give up. i can only give you the space you asked for to breathe.
and alice… you’re the best person that i’ve ever met. i literally had the best moments on my entire life with you. A lot of the time we weren’t sober… but my love for you has never been a fragment of my imagination.
I really hope you aren’t
reading this right now.
if so are you okay?