Hey. I’m starting to come out the other side, I think. I know I need to let go and really start moving on. In some ways Im trying. All I want to do is hold on to you as tight as I can so I won’t forget. It’s destroying me.
I know it will never be the same. I know its okay for my life to be different now. I won’t say all the shit anout how you wouldn’t want it this way. Of course you wouldn’t. Still you’d be a tad disappointed if I didnt mourn the fuck out of you. Come on, you know it.
I think about what would have happened if I moved out there. You’d be alive. We might have all the troubles you can imagine but I’d have been there. In that moment, and you’d be alive. Now.
Could we have lived our totally independant and completely dependant lives together for the laung haul? I dont know. That never mattered to me. I just always assumed we’d suck the raging fire out of US like crazed addicts and part ways to become what we started as…. friends. Two people that really got eachother doing what they wanted without leashing the other – well, at least not metaphorically.
I could never forsee us bothering eachother with the psychodramas of relationships. So when you said you thought someone’s advice was sound…that some horrible fate might befall US…That we MIGHT become one of those horrible twisted up ‘couples’… I assumed you just weren’t into it, were too much of a pussy to tell me…I was crazy. I’d imagined it and that I had to let it go. There was no way you really thought WE would go there. Right? So you must just want an easy out and are used to being squirrly about exits.
I mean, what happened between us practically every moment we were together couldnt be faked, BUT I’m not big into wearing myself out over what crazy shit might be happening that might make a person say or do a thing. I just accept that it is what it looks like. Done.
When you were so broken up over it and the time apart. Telling me over and over that you loved me and you wished…
I had to make you stop.
Ship sailed. The die was cast.
What I liked about US is that we never played silly games. In fact your absolute laziness towards human relationships was one of the most comforting things about you.
And then in time I really belived you. You really had no idea what you were doing. You were confused.
And me? I was doing my thing everyday. I missed the fuck out of you sometimes but you were there. Right there on the other end of a text or a call exept on another part of the planet. Too far but this works. We’re alright.
And you’re gone…