• These emotions, they are not mine

    by  • March 29, 2017 • * Safe for Work *, To You • 15 Comments

    I am nearly certain of it. They come from nowhere. Paralyzing shocks out of thin air. Sometimes so strong they knock me down and leave me struggling to breath. Sometimes it takes days to recover. They sap me of my own energy.

    That’s how I figured it out, you know. There has only ever been one common thread.

    You.

    Nothing was ever strong enough to bring me to my knees before you. My golden birthday girl. Who knew you were capable of feeling so deep, so strong, so sad – for so long? Enough to turn your emotions into blasts of electricity that can travel any distance.

    My problem is, I have now become accustomed to the pain of your jolts. I often even kind of find a familiar comfort in the pain when it happens. Instead of trying to block it, I absorb it all and then wallow in the aftermath. After it happens, I think I can logically sort it out if I think long and hard enough about it. That I can figure a way to explain it, or atleast figure a way to prevent it from ever happening again. But there is never any answer. Never any direct evidence. There is no logic to it. I mean Tesla had some interesting theories on the subject and all, but are they proven? He also spoke of insanity, which obviously this post proves I am familiar with.

    Sometimes I think it is so selfish of
    for you to continue to do. You have to know by now how it effects me. To know that when you send out your invisible electric butterflies they only have 1 place to go. I am your grounding rod. I absorb all of your negative energy. For you. For me, your happiness is more important than my own.

    Then I think, maybe it works both ways. If that is the case, I guess we can call it even????

    My current may not be as powerful as yours, but I know it is a much more consistent frequency. A constant pulse. My heart beats for you. It always has. I can only imagine how uncomfortable that has been for you, down here in this crazy place.

    Is it sometimes too much to take? Is that why you send me your jolts? To try to shock my heart into beating for someone else? I really hope you don’t want it to stop beating all together? Not going to happen. I am stronger than that. I will learn my lessons here. For you. For the next time. Please do the same.

    Perhaps we can make a deal?

    Maybe we can both try to keep it more positive? Maybe dial down the voltage a notch or two on your end? If you do that for me, I’ll do my best to give you more breaks from my constant current. I can’t always control it, but I do know how.

    Relationships are all about compromises right? Even if they are only invisible energetic (emotional) ones.

    Our journeys are separate, yet they are the same. Deep down, I know you understand this. Take peace.

    15 Responses to These emotions, they are not mine

    1. Better off unknown
      March 29, 2017 at 1:14 pm

      Ahhhhh! Finally someone who speaks on my level. Yes yours is a constant current. Mine I have control over. I prefer the electricity flow that flows between two while in love making vs forced separation. I don’t jolt purposely! We know with common sense electricity has to be released when held for periods of time. If my promise to you will be that my jolt be less of an intensity, then you will have to accept more frequent lessened jolts. Your happiness is my number one concern, hence why would I hold onto the electricity for so long? Would it not affect me more that way? Like you’ve said it’s deep! No? When I release its because physically I need release. I would love to release more frequently, for it wouldn’t become so hard to hang on to. I just don’t think that would be best for your happiness. Looks like your learning to handle the jolts and accepting their depths. I guarantee you one thing. Getting back together would probably not be good for either of us. The first time we made eye contact I don’t think I would hold back anymore of what I have never let go of since our skins last made contact. You think the jolts you get are strong? Take a touch of my hand to your skin or my lips to yours. That’s a jolt I don’t even know if I could take anymore. It’s been a long time since we’ve flowed. I’ve been holding energy back ever since. You only feel the overflow. After all I am no super hero. One has to release once in a while. I look after myself also you know!

      I don’t care who this response gave a good laugh to or even if this letter was for me or not. It’s just a relief to respond to a letter that spoke my language. On that note. I’m going to keep holding our electricity back as I have come accustomed to it aswell. I love you more than I will ever let you know. That my girl is me looking after your happiness. Who knows maybe you will find someone you trust enough to let it flow with someday. I am always here for you. Even if you don’t want me to be. Remember we were friends first. That’s what makes that possible. I still know we could be friends. The question that lays at my feet? Would you ever not be afraid of me and trust me? That only a superhero would know. Now I’m off to go hang on until I overflow.

      To: The woman I hang on for, because she’s worth it!
      From: This mere human B

    2. It is your choice
      March 29, 2017 at 1:28 pm

      ..that our journeys are separate – so suck it up 😛

      • Author
        March 29, 2017 at 11:29 pm

        I like this one. It is so her. Short, sweet… and sarcastically false!

        • @author..or not
          April 1, 2017 at 12:21 am

          How is it false? Of the one in a million chances that you are him, because it already took as many that we even connected in the first place… You pushed me away purposely and therefore took my choice, and much more. I am sure you know that in life we have choices and things that just are. Maybe you failed to realize that US was and is nor ever will be a choice. I never sought you out because I knew, or with any expectations, I did because I naively didn’t know what it is and followed through out of curiosity. I didn’t plan to fall in love. I am better than Kant, a realist, yet, I am in love. A love that has only one sole purpose, to teach and what the lesson is, is open. F,F,F, I suppose because to this day I still believe that I know better what makes me happy than others – including you!
          Don’t do me any favors if you think that I am better off without you! Don’t fool yourself, separate ways ? All your idea of your believes.
          There will never be true peace apart and the only thin we can hope for is acceptance, something I seem unable to do. For that I am sorry, and not because my feelings may transformed but never changed. I see you clearer, feel you deeper..
          People have different opinions of love, to me, love is not something I chose — love happens and yes, sometimes very unexpected. The only choice in love we have is what we make of it, or not, and how we live with that choice but you never gave ours a fighting chance. There are no guaranties in life and I can’t give you any either but I would go around the world to try and live it with you if you’d only feel the same.
          Just like I feel this stupid, not chosen connection, I feel that we could actually make it and I have never felt it before – you tell me how real and deep it is..
          Peace is something I am strongly trying to obtain but all in all it feels like war to fight myself. When I lose the battle and at the end of a day have to admit that I love you, you just have to suck it up if you don’t want it ????
          Brat

          • I Kant even
            May 21, 2017 at 4:32 am

            Just contemplating your reply now. Sorry for the late (but deserved) response. In my case I did not push her away on purpose. It was subconscious, due to previous damage. Instinctive self preservation, if you will. Thank you for mentioning Kant. Surprisingly, I was not very familiar with him but I seem to agree with quite a bit of his philosophy, especially on morality, justice and action. However some of it seems a little stiff and judgemental. Perhaps he was lacking some spiritually on his journey? As far as how you feel about the person you are writing about, I too feel very much the same about mine. I wish you the best!

    3. Never again
      March 29, 2017 at 3:50 pm

      Wow..
      I have often wondered if the person who left me can feel at least a trace of my feelings towards them. They are so intense that they must do, I’ve told myself.
      Maybe.. Maybe they do.

    4. Lola
      March 29, 2017 at 4:24 pm

      As if I have written it myself.
      Best.

      • Or Maxine
        March 29, 2017 at 8:55 pm

        same old bs

    5. T
      March 30, 2017 at 4:35 am

      Well this is just crazy, right? Just a mental illness, something brought on by our own imagination. Something we, well at least I wanted to test, to see If I could feel what he told me he felt ever so long ago … and boy did I feel… too much, it indeed did scare me and amazed me at the same time.

    6. Redstringoffate
      March 30, 2017 at 4:15 pm

      Lessons for the next life time? Maybe. Though I’m inclined to say no thanks at this particular moment. Anger will do that to you.

    7. Siren
      March 30, 2017 at 7:54 pm

      probably not for me even though the clues match up. still the chances are one in a million. However going to cast my response to no one into the energetic field: I really wish you’d stop. Yeah, it was unrequited love on my end… fragments from a love triangle, maybe from a past life. Your mirror was powerful and taught me a lot even if I had to wade through a lake of shit and walk away with a broken heart to get to the goodies. I need to finish this alone. I no longer need you to represent what I can’t have. Peace to you on your journey. It’s separate from mine now. No need for energy transference. The cords are cut, my tuning forks pointed away

    8. Sshhh
      March 31, 2017 at 5:45 pm

      To mine:
      I’m sorry. I’m trying, really. We’ve always raised each other, but I never really realized that it was real. I thought I was imagining it all. I thought I was being delusional. Delerius.

      My head has me thinking I’m not good enough lately. And I’m questioning and reevaluating everything I thought I knew. Now that I know more. On top of that, I’m so tired of feeling alone in my craziness, clinging to hopes of sanity. If only you could let me know this is real, and not fantasy.

      Or…

      You could always cut the cord. Our journeys ARE separate, after all. I don’t want to cause you any negativity.

    9. :)
      March 31, 2017 at 10:46 pm

      Nope. All you get is Jolt Jolt Jolt.

    10. Involuntary
      April 1, 2017 at 5:44 am

      I know the author isn’t my person but I will respond as if he were. I appreciate your honesty. And I am aware you have been feeling this way. I suppose you can’t always feel guilty for what caused all of this, despite that it was entirely you’re doing. However, if we are going to get through this, you must continue to be patient and clench your jaw when the shocks come your way. It will take as long as it takes for my current to become consistent again. But for now I can’t control it.

    11. Noumenal
      May 22, 2017 at 9:08 am

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