I’ve been having nightmares again. Ever since it all closed in on me Friday. Ever since I knew for sure it was all over. I fought. I grabbed at the very essence of you with everything I had in me. I reached deep into my knowledge of words and tried to craft them into speaking the way I would with writing, but with even more clarity. Even more power.
It wiped me out. Instead of me being the one with the power, it attacked me instead. My words came back on me and everything in me broke from holding on so tightly as I was taken for such a painful ride. I was dragged, pulled apart, chewed up and spit out.
I have known for a long time. Just how over everything is. But to give it your all, to try and make sense of things, and not be able to, slams down hard the reality of it all. The air was knocked right from me and I don’t think I’ve been able to breathe properly since. Which is why I’m not sleeping properly. My body can’t trust myself to breathe long enough to relax.
So it keeps it in focus with pain. It knows I don’t deal with any of it. So it has to surface somewhere, and it screams from my subconscious just how prominent it is. I try and push it away. But the force is too strong.
It scares me because I can see for miles just how much damage has been done. Just when you think you’ve found the end there’s more. And you haven’t even dealt with anything from the beginning. It’s too much. So you run. And you ignore. But you can’t do that forever.
The weather is getting warm again. It’s another thing that shows me. Everything began last summer. It’s been going on for too long. Everything has been a mess for so long. And it hasn’t shown any signs of getting better. And now I know for sure there is nothing I can do to change it.
It’s a strange dynamic. In a way, life is better than it ever has been because I’m away from the abuse. But it also isn’t because it all just continues from afar, and those I love are still there. I’m just so officially gone, from everywhere. Every trace of me gone. Anyone from the past wouldn’t even know where to find me. And that is a good yet unbelievable thing.
It’s all moving into that phase of hazy hot chaos I remember so well. And I know already, it’s just part two. You can embrace what’s coming also by knowing exactly what’s there. It isn’t pessimism. It’s just seeing things for how they are, being logical.
Nothing has faded from my memory. It is like I remember more details everyday. And I believe its from trauma blocking things out. Which does show progress on my part. Getting to a point where my mind is letting things come to the surface. But yet it also just reminds me of time. And how it is going by.
It has all been hard. But it has been necessary. And I can at this point say living is something I don’t want to give up anymore. I have such a story to tell. A scary, factual account of my experiences.