• What to do when I die of cancer

    by  • March 28, 2017 • * Safe for Work *, Acceptance • 1 Comment

    What happens if I die.

    What will you do when I die of cancer.

    First of all, I don’t want you to worry. For the longest time, I was scared of dying, scared that my time on earth was so limited and that every moment was a fleeting one. This rattled through my brain ad triggered something deep in my soul. I would think that since I was going to die anyway, there was no reason to keep on living.With everything else that was going on around me, I just shut down completely and refused to allow myself to be happy. When the happy moments did come, I would tell myself that they were only temporary. This caused me to spiral down further into a circle of self deprivation of happiness until I could no longer function.I went through life surviving but not really living. I had become a destructive person that didn’t care if I lived to see next week. I would sabotage myself from being happy and I did things that were horrible for me in the long run. I feel some of those effects even now. I don’t know what got me out of it, but once I did, I felt disgusted at who I was. I didn’t know who I was. Depression had been who I was for so long that I didn’t know who I was without it. I was scared. And yet I know that I couldn’t go back, no matter how scared I was. There were people that were dying, people taken so young, and there are people that are in such horrible situations that they pray to their god that they can continue to live, even if just for a couple more days. I could take for granted and purposefully try to take away this gift that so many others beg for. I couldn’t take those years away, but I could learn from them and make sure that the rest of my life is lived out in a way that would make all those people proud. When I came to terms with this, I slowly worked my way back into life. I started living again, I started to be happy again. I started to look forward to things and make longterm plans. And I’m still trying. It’s not easy to think like that all the time, especially at night when I’m alone with my thoughts. They creep in and try to take over. They cloud my head and the only thing I can think of is how to destroy myself. I knew that once I started, it would be hard to stop. But now I know that I’m stronger then I ever knew. I can beat it and fill my thoughts with happiness and love instead of giving in. Sometimes though, I don’t. I lose the war in my head and looking at the scars afterwards breaks me down inside. I hate the person that I had become, with so many issues and so unpredictable that it shoved my further in the grave I had been digging for myself. It took a lot, and still takes a lot, to remember the promise I had made. It fills my with strength and reminds that I am beautiful. It reminds me that I am worthy of love. It reminds me that I’m the person I am because of my past mistakes and that the person that came out of that mess is gorgeous. And so here we are. For the longest time, I was scared of dying. And for the first time in a long time, I have regained that fear. But this time, I’m scared because I’m happy with where I am. I’ve spent so many moments listening to my loved ones laughter, seeing their smiles and feeling their love. I spent so many moments with my friends, goofing off and realizing that we loved each other so much that we were like a family. And if I were to die, right now, I would be goddamn terrified. I would miss all of the people that surround me and regret all the time that I wasted. I would wish for more time on this earth to make a difference, to have an impact on someone’s life. But I know that everyone who’s souls I’ve touched will keep me in their hearts and that takes some people an entire lifetime to do. I would die, not knowing what would happen, but I would be happy with the peace I made with myself.

    And if I don’t die right now, then I’ll keep living. You can’t stop functioning just because you’re scared of dying, because at that point, you aren’t even living anymore. Since we all die at some point, why not make sure that you live every single day of your life the way you would want your last day to be. Make up after you fight, don’t hold grudges, take all the chances you can take and be kind. You can’t take back any past moments, but you can choose what you’ll do in past moments.

    So if you’re wondering what to do if I die, I’ll tell you. Smile.Remember all the times we’ve spent together. Know that I lived my life without letting my cancer define me. Learn from my mistakes and live your life with my in your mind, reminding you that you can die at any point of your life, so you have to enjoy every moment. I love you and I always will carry you in my heart, no matter what turns life decides to make.

    One Response to What to do when I die of cancer

    1. A Scientist
      March 30, 2017 at 11:07 am

      Hi. Somebody needed to reach out to tell you that they had read this. Those of us who have never been diagnosed with cancer cannot empathize with your struggle, even if we have lost a loved one to it. Perhaps it is wrong to join you in your morbidity but the regular visitors of this website yearn for an honesty in here that they can’t get out there, so I will momentarily indulge you in that, even if I find myself hoping that somebody I will never know manages to beat it–

      I hope that you will see the value in your own words and use the time you have to make your life memorable and impactful, leaving those who survive you with something to smile about, as you say, when your time comes. The perspective you have now comes but once in a lifetime, forced upon by nature’s inherent cruelty, a contrast that no reasonable person would ever wish for. Use it. Hate it. Revere it. Whatever gets you through the day. Be enveloped by the joy when it comes so you may forget the uncertainties. Know that in the meantime the readers herein will silently root for your case to appear among the statistics of survivors.

      Take so much care.

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