So what does this mean? What are you trying to say? What are you trying to accomplish? To torture me from afar, to cause me any amount of pain or confusion you can all while not even being in my life? You are the reason that tonight my head has been swimming with questions that I know can’t be answered.
You miss me. You wish I would return. What does that mean? Why not say it to me? Why say it to her, after all of this time? I don’t know what could have possibly come over you to do such a thing. I guess to send me a message. To make my head spin. To cause me pain.
There would be no other reason. Unless you mean it of course. Which could only be in a sick mentality. You miss having me there to mess with, you miss the way things were when I was putty in your hands. Which of course would make some degree of sense, when you’re someone like you.
But when the words were spoken to me I broke. I haven’t cried in so long. You, caused the floodgates to open. I couldn’t move. I didn’t know what to do. Everything felt wrong and uncomfortable and nothing could have felt worse. I felt as though I was brought back to those days.
It was the first day of warm weather. And along with the heat wave also brought you. I haven’t had to deal with you since last time. And now not only was I in the heat I was brought back to your words and turning them over again and again. I guess there isn’t a real answer.
But what a shock. How could she talk to you, after all you did to me? How could you make it out like you hated me, me fearing that if I ever saw you anywhere you’d turn away from me and my heart would break, and then go and act like nothing is wrong, so much so that you say you miss me?
What am I supposed to do with those words? I just sat and cried. I try so hard and succeed at never showing emotion. But today was hard for me to begin with. And no one got it. No one understood. How dare I be upset, how dare I show any pain?
How could I possibly care about what that woman has to say. Why should I care? But what I don’t say is the truth because I can’t say it. And if I did I know words don’t exist for the truth, the intensity, how much of me has been lost in that situation. Nothing could ever convey it properly.
I know there’s nothing I can do. Nothing I’d even want to do because I’ve come too far. But your words have disturbed me and left me confused. Disrupting my life as you always did. I need to shake this from me, because I refuse to wonder. I can’t analyze you. I can analyze everyone and everything else, but you are immune to my ability.
I just need to sleep, and let go. For what is done is done. And a weak attempt at continuation is not going to hinder me.