• Significant figures

    by  • March 23, 2017 • * Safe for Work *, Happy • 6 Comments

    I love you so much and wish for the life of me that I could tell you. Forgive this. Forgive me. Growing up with an alternative sexuality necessitates the painful integration of deceptive social patterns. At some point in adulthood keeping the peace becomes preferable to stepping overtly toward gratification. The contrast is too troublesome to give it the attention it really deserves.

    I feel too complicated to do anything useful. Yet this is one of those shared personality markers that draws me unto you so strongly. Your complexity intrigues me. Ten years ago it wasn’t uncommon to stay up until four in the morning solving problems for classes, happily congratulating myself for reaching a stage where the fascination for solution-resistant situations had turned from the emotional barf of adolescence to a refined intellectualism. You have made me regress to that primordial thing that alludes description and it feels wonderful.

    When we are near one another I feel something powerful. A current of being that I never feel with others. They’re still important to me but you are extraordinary. Your wit. Your talent. Your insane intuition that identifies what is so important to me. You’re so sexy. My God, you’re so attractive. I really could hug you forever.

    If we both really want it it will happen. You know that, right? Sometimes I want to use this forum to command you to come closer but that is inappropriate and selfish of me. It is important to allow. To let those we love the most to float through life undisturbed with the grace that ignited the soul in the first place. And I’m not even supposed to believe in these things.

    I will say right here that I want us to touch lips. Hands. Bodies. To spend another 45 minutes tenderly running my fingers through your hair, lulling you to sleep when your disappointment won’t leave you alone. So often do I play with these ideas that the current of well-being will not remove its right hand from my pants. I am so ecstatic that I can still feel stuff like this. So happy to have found you under a rock in the back yard. So excited to think that in a few hours you will be back and the mere possibility will exist again.

    I love you. I can’t say it out there so for now I will tell you here. I can be content with the idea that in so many ways do we already have each other, but I would be lying if I said I didn’t want more.

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    6 Responses to Significant figures

    1. Thank you
      March 24, 2017 at 5:33 pm

      Communication totally kills relationships:/




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      • Yeah.
        March 25, 2017 at 7:28 pm

        Totally…




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    2. Author
      March 25, 2017 at 7:48 pm

      No, thank you. For identifying the prevailing problem in here and out there. This letter is not a response. It posted in the same update as the one that has convinced me. I haven’t known what to think but believe it is time to talk. I have decided to abandon the rambling for some instructions (see new entry “Meet me?”) . Please. Come meet me.




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      • Nope. Nevermind.
        March 27, 2017 at 8:10 pm

        I wasn’t thinking. That’s the best I can do.




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    3. Bubbles
      March 28, 2017 at 5:51 pm

      This is exactly the way I feel; however, I think we’ve been put in each other’s paths for so long we get confused and delusional. A new day has the right idea: pennames. All the regulars should get one. I used to comment as one, but don’t much anymore due to the details I’ve posted in my letters and responses. Anywho… I think I’ll go by Bubbles from now on… I am bubbly “out there” as you keep calling it. And I told my person I love the Katy Perry song Living in a Bubble and the next update here was that video… Got me wishing it were from them to me. But that is my imagination tearing my heart apart again…

      My person makes me feel like that too though. You describe it beautifully. Takes my breath away, makes me nervous and calm, so kind, the accidental brushing of skin is electric. He makes me feel alive. And I feel so aware of him. I feel that he is aware of me and how I’m feeling and what I’m needing at all times. He is amazing.




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      • Author
        March 30, 2017 at 10:11 am

        Very thoughtful and relatable. Some of us on here are definitely following the content of other regulars. It’s bound to happen when we come here with similar stories and there is but a short list of reasons that we would resort to using a webspace like this to communicate with people we already know and can reach out there. Your pen name idea is food for thought but then I’d have to wonder how easy it would become for us all to start ignoring each other when chasing the voice of a stranger on here could suit a different purpose that is also important: to ease some of the loneliness that brings us back.

        This is probably asking a lot but personally I wouldn’t mind if the admin publicly posted some analytics for this website so that we could see how many visitors it gets every month and how many of them are unique. It would probably help those of us who feel taunted by other voices keep a better perspective about the improbability of us knowing the source of content that seems familiar like your song, which I agree is lovely.

        I spent some time out there with my other last night. Although I have read something that popped up on here recently to make me (strongly) believe that she is here when I look at her actual face I just couldn’t imagine that she really is. Or that if she is I would even be the reason. I frequently wish that we saw each other more often than we do so that a healthier attachment could set in and force my adolescent wantings to slow their row a bit. All in good time, I suppose.

        Anonymous hugs from The Scientist.




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