• I drove by again…

    by  • March 23, 2017 • * Safe for Work *, Acceptance • 11 Comments

    Why?
    Not sure…
    What was going to be accomplished?
    Don’t know….
    Did it bring any comfort?
    I think it brought something up from within…
    Does it confuse you, going there?
    A little, kinda off center, thinking far too much…
    Do you know there is 0 chance of receprosity of your feelings?
    Yeah, have forever…
    How is it you still do what you do?
    I don’t really know, maybe to relinquish is to surrender to time…
    So you do understand that what your doing is childish behavior?
    Oh I think I get that, yet still…
    If you could pick an alternate universe, would you?
    Too many variables, Y’s in the roads to travel, time machines don’t exist, great idea for an old movie but not the reality of life…
    So what is the ultimate moral of the story?
    Nothing will change, I will work for too many more years, eventually retire, move away, hopefully have enough time to enjoy a quiet lake down south for the remainder of my life, and when I am called I hope to go with a full heart that will still have notched out place for the memories of the times I drove by…..

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    11 Responses to I drove by again…

    1. snide irving
      March 25, 2017 at 4:33 pm

      I wish I knew when you are there
      I miss you too




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    2. @me
      March 27, 2017 at 5:31 am

      Sweet thought and I do appreciate it. Have no idea why you would have any desire to deal with the craziness that comes with the package. I have figured, or at least think I have, that some things are better left unsaid and unapproached. I only get confused and I already have dealt with my share of that. Working out a lifetime of mixed emotions, completely my own head trip and doing, does not take place quickly, I have come to find out. It is really unfortunate that it took this form in the end, although in hindsight it had no other route to take. I have gone back and reread every word I have put down and I can honestly say I had lost my sight on reality. I truly became enraptured in my own narrative and you became the woman I invented. I didn’t bother doing a reality check on your feelings and I am quite a bit wordier then you so I never saw the stop sign to apply the brakes. Again, I didn’t need help getting there. So I am sorry to have cast you in an unwanted role and I will strive to be more rational about what the definition of friends is. Not sure what all this means moving forward, still sorting it out. I’m pretty damn sure it can’t be what it was though, that didn’t work a little bit. If and when I get a grip on things you will know. Thank you for keeping a watch here and knowing when it’s me and I am sorry for the discomfort I had to have caused by my self indulgence. “There is no fool like an old fool” suddenly has a meaning.




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      • snide irving
        April 5, 2017 at 4:04 pm

        Because friends don’t give up on friends
        Love you always




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    3. Waking from a dream
      April 7, 2017 at 8:23 am

      It was a case of short arms on the merry go round always just out of reach of the brass ring but that was a child’s ride and, with all our dust laden holdings of youth, can be remembered but never relived. The reality of 30 years of separation is that we are not the same people we once were and well intentioned but naive stories do not resurrect that which never was built. Our collective construction of lives never took the others into account, save for a few errant thoughts every few years. The intersection was hundreds of miles back and really brief at best. Hell you didn’t even store the memory of our only time together. That should have been my red flag but I choose to ignore fact for fantasy. No complaining though, that was 100% on me and my void of reality. We were at workplace low spots simultaneously and that, unaddressed, led to the chasm between us which then led to my really fucked up, self pity driven decision process which leads to here. I have found myself deliberating to continue past my exit on numerous occasions and, while it still confuses me at times, I know deep inside it is best just to bear right and head home. You will always be the warm breeze teasing the limbs and rustling the leaves of that tree of my youth, never to be held for more than a moment in time. But with the Fall and Winter of life’s seasons upon us it is best to only seek the sun of our here and now. I will never ask the whys and when’s anymore as the answers are already engraved in stone.




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      • snide irving
        April 15, 2017 at 4:34 am

        Am I really that confusing? I just wanted my best friend back, you were taken from me because of someone elses lack in self respect and maturity.having someone tell you “never talk” to me again???
        You didn’t ask me to marry you! You never even looked at me that way when we were kids.
        We were just friends MY BEST FRIEND
        So because I love you that much I did
        You did because you wanted to prove your love to your wife
        But hates the problem
        We never fought to be friends
        We looked for years for each other you found me
        WHY????
        BECAUSE WE ARE BEST FRIENDS!!!!
        I will love you always




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    4. Forever discounted
      April 10, 2017 at 5:01 am

      “Not water under the bridge”
      A unilateral opinion, understood but still deserves it time in the light.




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    5. Mr
      April 16, 2017 at 10:19 am

      Yes, you were always that confusing. You were always involved with someone and while I know you know deep down how I felt about you I never felt it was reciprocal and so I never felt emboldened to be anything more than a friend. All past history now, for a multitude of reasons. I did love you in a way past friendly way but never saw a glint of the same so I filed it under never happening. The one time I was able to actually have you as a lover went unnoticed by you and this was the final nail. It would have been a full circle if not for that reality and it closed the door on future thoughts. Yes your right on all the ” what happened next” part but I had no reason to consider us in the equation. The inside of all that time period is really very deep and I am guilty of trying to mend lives destroyed by a scumbag husband and father without really thinking of all the ramifications it would have. Then I started to become that’s scumbag and hated myself for it. No need for hating anyone in the picture as it has no bearing on where we are. I would love to be able to tell this all face to face but I still feel as though it would just confuse me, not you, which is only more confusing and depressing to me. Once a love is seared into a heart, young as it was, the scar tissue is forever there and flares up from time to time. The scary thing to me is I knew how you felt even years later and I still would have devoured you if there was the slightest provocation.




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    6. ~ C ~
      April 18, 2017 at 9:53 pm

      S? (male)




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    7. Me
      April 19, 2017 at 5:21 am

      No




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    8. Time out of Mind
      April 20, 2017 at 7:12 pm

      Ah, thank you. Sometimes I get hopeful about this. But reality is it’s time to put that hope away, and nurture myself and other hopes. Peaceout! 🙂 ~ C ~




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    9. Me
      April 22, 2017 at 8:56 am

      I really have to confess I didn’t understand the question “time out of mind”. This is not an easy way to express a life.




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