I sometimes daydream that when the one mutual acquaintance we both have texts me, its secretly you checking in on me pretending to be him. I sometimes daydream whatever I say to him is repeated back to you. But I know better. You were never so worried about your pride that you would go to the length of snagging someone else’s phone and sending messages. Besides its been nearly two years and you have never once shown any action that you had second thoughts or regrets.
This is my nightmare really. You are gone and everyday feels like the first day you were not there all over again. It’s funny the first few months I told myself I would not dwell in this loss but I am unable to shake my own nature. Besides I am too afraid to ever trust anyone again due to the near assurance that everyone leaves you: some on purpose and some without their control, but still you are abandoned.
No, my love, you did make it worse. I can try to overcome this fear and I continue to try and let you go but you are gone and I am alone. There is no one in this world to assist in this recovery because I will not allow them too. That would mean trusting them as I did you. The only person in this world I can trust is myself. Everyone else hasn’t a chance.
I wish you would read this. I wish you read every LENS I have posted. But you would never be here and I sent you all of the letters I wrote over 6 months and nothing. Nothing freed me and you never saw my gesture as anything more than an inconvenience. It allowed you to placate your actions in a simple e-mail. Months I cried and toiled over what I sent you and a single reply which could not have taken you more than a few moments… You never saw the time, you never saw the effort, you never understood what it was that I gave to you.
I am older everyday the wrinkles show more the greys become more apparent and I know time is not on my side. No one has really raised an eyebrow in my direction and I have seen no one that sparks an interest in me either.
I remember reading other LENS’ of 5 years apart 8 years apart and swearing I would not be that person. I am headed in that direction and at least I think I understand why they cannot let go of the ones they loved and lost: Fear. It is not that their lost love was the one and only and no one could ever compare. It is the fear of starting over. The fear of knowing you are letting another stranger in again in order to get to know them better. Its the fear that the loss will come again. Or maybe all of these fears are my own to bare.
You are gone. Is that me facing my worst fear? Your departure from my daily routine? I still wake up and for a few moments it feels like I am waking to a nightmare. I don’t exactly understand how I let you in this much. How I ever allowed someone to have this much influence on my life that there absence follows me everyday. But I did and its done.
Missing and loving are words that hardly cover the loss I feel. I can only hope that time begins to assist in the fading of our memory.
I love you and I miss you. That does not change.