I need help. I don’t know how to cope. And I’m scared.
I’m afraid to post this even though I’m 99% sure the people involved don’t even know this website exists.
But if you’re reading this, I’m sorry. No one will know. I just had to vent someplace. I’m so sorry.
To my [metaphorical] brother:
I wanted to tell me everything that you did. I wanted you to and I’m glad you did. And I know you didn’t want me to bare any weight that I couldn’t, but it just isn’t that easy. I can’t just not let these things affect me. I am extremely empathetic and I can’t help but feel true sorrow for my friends. For the people I love, it deeply affects me when I see that they are suffering.
I knew you were suffering, and I knew you weren’t telling me, but you used improv to let me know that you knew. You knew that I knew you were suffering. And you finally told my why.
And I know you knew how I felt deep down. You could see through me. You knew when I was upset with you, and you knew when I was disappointed with you. And I finally told you why.
We almost reached maximum truth. You said there’s still more to tell me. Your most awful truths and I can’t imagine what could be worse than what you already told me. You’re having an affair with a girl half your age and your leaving your wife before the semester ends. You’re leaving me, and her (at least I hope to fucking god you are). You’re just going to go back to the UK and I think I’m the only one who knows. Or one of very few. The only thing that could possibly be worse than what you already told me is that you could potentially be abandoning your child. I don’t know if there’s a baby but that’s the most realistic thing I could think of. I don’t think you’re suicidal. I guess you could have hurt your wife. But I’d like to believe it would never go that far. Other than that I can’t imagine what it could be. What could be worse than violating the vows of your marriage and not feeling sorry for it? Or I suppose that’s subjective. What you think is worse might now be what I think is worse. I’ll find out soon enough.
I still have some maximum truth to share with you. I love you, and you love me. You’re my brother. Or at least you are now. My crush on you derives from my own issues. I’ve had a lot of bad experiences with men, and I feel like if a man doesn’t want me sexually, then I’m not good enough. I know that isn’t true, and I never wanted to be involved with an affair with you. I wouldn’t have been able to handle the weight of something like that, and I don’t know how she can deal with that. I hate her. She shows no remorse for having a hand is destroying a marriage. As much as you say she didn’t, she took advantage of you when you were vulnerable. I hate that. She partook in the affair and you don’t even feel sorry for it. Why do you love her?
And why do I care? Why does this make me so jealous? I don’t want it but I do. I feel like because you never had a crush on me that I don’t mean as much to you. I feel like that means that I’m not good enough for anyone. Maybe if I was prettier and skinnier and funnier. I know it isn’t true. I know you think very highly of me and you said that there are times when you look up to me. That means the fucking world to me and I’m caught on being jealous of something I know I don’t actually want deep down. That’s my problem to fix, but I’m still going to tell you.
And I’m going to tell you that as much as I love you, thinking of what you’re doing to your wife makes me physically sick to my stomach. I’ve been cheated on, and cheating was what ended my parent’s marriage. This is entirely different but the same transgression, and I hate knowing that someone I looked up to so much could do such a thing. And I guess in a lot of ways I’m reliving the trauma of being cheated on. I feel like it’s happening to me even though it isn’t. I feel betrayed by you. And I feel abandoned because you’re leaving. I know why you’re leaving and I know it’s for the best, but it still fucking hurts man. You’ve become my family over the last two years and I feel like you’re abandoning me. It’s not goodbye forever, I know. But it still feels that way.
I just don’t know what to do. You said don’t carry anything I can’t. But I literally can’t do that. I don’t know how. How do I just let this go and stop carrying it?
From the few people I’ve vaguely talked with, all of them are very upset that you confided in me, forcing me to take on this weight. But I pushed you to do it. I know I did. I knew you were suffering because you were afraid to force someone else to bare this weight. You were torturing yourself, using unhealthy coping mechanisms to avoid putting the weight on someone else. I want to help you. I hated knowing you were preventing yourself from saying so many things out loud and you were self destructing. I couldn’t watch that happen. I couldn’t let you suffer anymore than you had to so I took some of the weight away. Because I love you. I don’t know what other reason I can give for wanting to know things that I cannot handle emotionally.
Perhaps I’m just an emotional masochist. I live for the pain and beauty of relationships like these. I just want to be our number one that you turn to in your hour of need. I want to be the shoulder to cry on and the one to hold your hand and look at you as you look at me and as we both wonder what’s going to happen next. And I was that. I was that person. We held each other for minutes on end and stared at each other smiling through tears. I don’t know if I ever felt more connected to a person than I had in that moment. It makes is so hard because I love you so much and yet I’m so deeply ashamed and hurt because of you.
I don’t know what to do with myself, but I do know this: I won’t abandon you. I promise. I won’t abandon you even if that means being a 20 year old handling the failing marriage of two forty year olds. Even if it means not being able to look at my professor that I spend 6+ hours a week with because I want to cry for her. Even if it means feeling sick when I think of you and her. Even if it means crying whenever I talk or even think about it too much. I’m not going to leave you at one of your most vulnerable points. I’m not going to leave you because we’ve almost reached maximum truth and I won’t violate your trust. I love you.
I love you.
I love you so much, brother.
And because you love me I’m going to suffer. And I accept.